• 9 days ago

    I just want to feel happy...

    Hello, this is my first time posting on this site. I think I am on the younger side of people that are on here. I am in college close to graduating. I don't go out and I don't have very many friends. The few friends that I do have I feel like they don't necessarily need to see or talk to me. I am very closed in with my family. I don't have permission to do a lot of things. I cannot go out with my friends without taking a sibling. I feel like my mother doesn't trust me. I feel like she hates me and yet doesn't want to let me go because she also lacks friends. I know it sounds selfish.

    When I was in middle school my crush committed suicide and I was told by a family member that he would go to hell. As years passed I learned to cope with his death. I also figured out my sexuality and found I would never be able to tell my family because they don't believe in sexualities other than straight or gay.

    Most of my relationships have ended with a "you're sweet and loving, but I don't feel it". I had never felt butterflies in my tummy until recently, but that one ended as well because he met my family.
    As I am writing this I feel like everything isn't so bad, but I feel like everything adds up. I feel selfish and yet so undervalued by my family and those around me. I feel like I have to put up a face full of happiness and carelessness so that others don't feel bad or so my family doesn't criticize me. My mother has told me countless times that she and I will never get along and I don't understand why that is. I don't understand why she and I can't have a normal conversation ever. I don't understand why she won't let me leave if my presence bothers her so much. I don't remember a loving hug or kiss from her as a child.

    All she ever does is complain. About me and everyone else around her. She tells me not to hate my dad but she constantly throws negative things about him at me and my relationship with him is falling apart too.

    I am currently on 10 mg paxil once daily. I really want to run from my family. I don't want them around me. They are toxic. And it's really getting to me how easy it is for them to destroy what little happiness I feel. Home and school feel like a burden now, school used to feel like a safe haven for me. It's getting really difficult to maintain my academic record. I'm so sorry if this sounds like I am a brat, I don't mean to.

Responses

  • 9 days ago

    RE: I just want to feel happy...

    What an incredible story -- thank you so much for sharing.

    You need to know that your message sounds so level-headed and, actually, positive. You have your head screwed on right. You just happen to be living within a family with a lot of guardrails. And that's OK. You're in college and at an age when things will inevitably be changing -- when you'll begin making significant life decisions for yourself. You'll stumble but you'll get back up.

    Know that there's a world outside of your family who you will learn from and eventually lean on. And you'll find ways to prioritize your needs against those of your family, particularly your mom.

    Hang in there! You're not alone with a difficult family and tough situations. Know that there's something in your message that shines with hope for the future!
  • 8 days ago

    RE: I just want to feel happy...

    Hi, thank you for sharing your situation and your feelings.

    Maybe what I am going to say will sound wrong, or maybe you will not like it, but it's just the way I see things, and in my opinion and personal experience what works.

    Usually when we have issues with other people (family, friends, whoever), we tend to see all things we would like to change on them, how different we would like them to be, but such a attitude is not beneficial at all, because after all, you will not be able to change these people, and make them what you want them to be. What you CAN change it's your own attitude towards them, you can change what you think and do about them, and that, that is more powerful than anything else.

    Ultimately our happiness depends on us, not our circumstances or people who surround us, it is our decision to be happy, and it depends on how we decide to react.

    Focus on what you can change, focus on what's inside your mind, soul and heart. And learn to love unconditionally, learn to serve and give without expecting anything in exchange, because in doing so lies true and everlasting happiness.

    Best,

    -LLM