• I Feel Like I Have Nothing Left

    I dont know what to do anymore. Speaking to a counselor didn't help, when I reach out to family members their solution is to seek counseling. Every day I feel like I am a failure to my family (wife, kids and parents), a failure to myself and to anyone that knows me. Over the years I have developed the ability to put the happiness of everyone around me first. I have this uncanny ability to hide my pain and hurt from the rest of the world so much so that on the numerous occassions in which I checked myself into a mental health facility nobody had any idea it was coming. To everyone around me I was happy and loving life, but deep down I knew I was nothing and hated myself more with each passing second. I know all I do is cause everyone pain and for it I should be in pain as well. The depression and anxiety and bipolar have been there my entire life and nothing has been able to quench their appetite. Every time things are going good for me or something incredible has happened that little monster comes creeping up from deep inside telling me I dont deserve it, I don't deserve to be happy, i dont deserve success. It has such control over me that every time anything good happens i have to find a way to sabotage it and ruin everything. I dont know what else to do anymore. my mind races a million miles per hour and nothing can slow it down. I feel like the lives of those who know me, care about me, and love me, and even those who only knew me for a brief moment eould be better off sans my existence.

Responses

  • 9 days ago

    RE: I Feel Like I Have Nothing Left

    Hi manic_upanddown

    I know you said that you went to counseling, but believe me when I say this, everything that you described of what's going on for you is the exact kind of stuff that can be helped through therapy!

    I have no idea what kind of counselor you saw and for how long, but if you say that it didn't help, then chances are that either 1) you weren't seeing a qualified therapist for what you need, or 2) you didn't give it enough time (and #1) and/or 3) you didn't put in all the work you need to see growth and healing. I don't say that as a put down, but some people just don't realize that it's the client who does the work in therapy, not the therapist. It's the therapists job to guide, teach, nurture, and a whole lot more; but if the client doesn't actually try to apply what they learn, then it's just as well they didn't go.

    Another thing, are you or have you ever been on medication? It's not always easy to find the right med(s) for you, but typically, it can be done. You have to communicate with your doctor so that he/she knows when a med is working and when it's not so that adjustments can be made when needed.

    The bottom line is that what you have tried up to this point hasn't worked for you, right? That doesn't mean that therapy won't work for you - it sometimes is just a matter of finding the right one. If you tried meds and they didn't help - again, that doesn't mean meds won't work for you - but it could mean you weren't on the right one for you or gave it long enough try.

    Don't give up seeking help! There are fantastic therapists out there that you can connect with and grow to trust; but you have to be patient. Therapy is not an overnight treatment. It's hard work, but well worth it!

    If you don't already have one, find a Psychiatrist who can start the process of getting you on meds that could help you. Chances are the first med he/she tries won't work (unless you are fortunate!) but then you try the next one.

    Meds alone aren't enough! You have a lot of self esteem issues, depression, anxiety, etc., and those are things you can work on in therapy to achieve healing and to learn the skills needed to have more control over those things in your life! Medication can't do that.

    I would highly encourage you to find a therapist who is qualified in your areas of need. You could go to https://www.psychologytoday.com/us
    then scroll down a bit where it says "Find a Therapist" and type in your zip code. After you do that, it will show a list of therapists in your area, but on the left side, you can filter the kind of therapist you are looking for. Like, click "Depression" and it will filter only those therapists who work with people with depression, and so on. Then click on the names of who might interest you and read about them. Some have websites you can go to. You can email or call them. If you are limited on income, ask if they do a sliding scale fee (charge according to what you can pay) and ask for a free consultation so you could meet the therapist first.

    Anyway, I'm really sorry that you are struggling so much and feel like you are worthless! Those kinds of thoughts are your depression speaking and they are lies - but lies that you have learned to believe! A good therapist will help you to relearn various thinking patterns that are not helpful for you. When you (or anyone) dwells on those kinds of thoughts, then our emotions believe them, which is why we really FEEL those things. Our feelings don't know the difference between fact and fiction, which is why they believe what your thoughts are telling them!

    I hope you can find a fantastic therapist soon! You will be amazed at what that can do for you! It won't happen overnight, but if you put every ounce of your strength into working on yourself, you WILL see growth and healing! :)

    You DESERVE a life that you love!

    Debbie