• over 1 year ago

    Concerned partner

    Hi all.

    Background: I have been together with my other half for just over a year, engaged since Christmas and living together for the same period of time. I'm 35, she is 31 and at the moment we are both working freelance in the entertainment industry, doing well professionally and looking to buy a house rather than our small flat. I've always known that she has been and sometimes still is struggling with depression. She has been using anti depressants but has very slowly, and after advice from her doctor decreased dosage. As far as I know, there is no bpd or diagnosis other than "depression".

    About four months into the relationship she had what I would describe as a breakdown. We were on holiday and had gone to bed when she started crying. Terrified all of a sudden that I was going to leave her. After a lot of comfort and attempted reassurance, I calmed down and I heard nothing of it again. I asked her about the episode the next day and with apologies, she explained that she would get fits of panic that she wasn't good enough for me, the world etc. "Minor" fits like this happened once or twice again, but not to the same degree.

    We got engaged at Christmas and life seemed to be going very good for us. However, the last three months, generally around "the time of the month" there have been some incidents, I count 5. I generally notice that there is some annoyance going on, and when I ask her whats wrong or if I can help in any way she starts complaining about something. Either something I have done wrong, I'm not doing or something she is unhappy about in her own situation. Her tone of voice gradually gets higher and it is almost as though she works herself up to a frenzy and she explodes in a fit of rage. Her language gets fowl, all that is wrong in the world is my fault and she accuses me of all manner of things, from not caring, secretly wanting to return to my "hundreds of ex girlfriends" and playing her for a fool. None of this is of course true and deep down she knows. I sit there and take it, not sure what to think or believe, though I know what is going on and that it will blow over in 30 minutes to an hour. It's hard. I have no idea how to respond and I feel like my world crashes down around me and that I am the reason she is upset.

    I love her to bits, even when she yells at me, but I don't know how to respond or react when she kicks off, or even if I should. I cried for the first time in 10 years today when she suggested that she might be better off on her own. I want to leave the flat until she cools down, something I almost did today until she threw another unfair insult at me that almost knocked me off my feet. She later thanked me for not leaving.

    When she calms down, her facial expression goes blank, it's almost as if she is drained of energy. Some more time and she "comes to herself" and is sad. She apologises a million times, starts crying and expresses her unending love for me. More than once she has said that she "doesn't know what she would do" if I left her. Something I have in all honesty never considered, in spite of the episodes.

    It hurts to see her struggle, it hurts even more not knowing how to take care of her or even know where to begin helping her. If anyone out there has been in a similar situation, I would gladly hear your two cents.



  • over 1 year ago

    RE: Concerned partner

    She needs to seek help. If you choose to support her through this, that's wonderful of you to do, and it's good for her to have support. But you BOTH can't let this go on. She needs to talk to someone --she clearly has unresolved trauma. The relationship needs to take a 2nd place to her mental health right now. I'm not saying to abandon it, but the focus should be on her getting mentally well, not on your relationship.

    Also NEVER respond to these episodes. If you react with smothering her with love, she will subconsciously know this to get love and attention from you and you are enabling her to continue down this path. Don't respond negatively/yell back/talk abusively back because if she isn't in her right mind, this will only make the situation worse.
  • over 1 year ago

    RE: Concerned partner

    there is a condition where "the time of the month" triggers mental and emotional disorder. You should go to the doctor with her to determine if that is something she may have or if there was ever an official diagnosis.