• 2 months ago

    Depression sucks.

    Hi, so it’s my first time on a message board. ranting to total
    strangers but maybe it’ll help more.
    i’m 19, and i have chronic depression. i’ve had since i was 13, or at least that’s when it really hit me. it was around the time my little brother passed away. which is a really long story so all i’ll say is it was an accident on his part. my family was falling apart when it happened, my mom isolated herself, my sister cut and my other sister was just away a lot so i was really alone. my brother was my best friend, i talked to him about everything. i’d talk to him about the stuff i feel and felt but he wasn’t there anymore so i had nobody, except i couldn’t let my family fall apart so i pulled together my issues and packed them away so i could help my mom and sisters, which isn’t fair to me because i was now the youngest, but i’d do anything for those idiots.
    i however did become a cutter, i told my sister and she told our mom. it wasn’t taken serious then because my mom couldn’t handle it so she pushed it away, but she did always check for new cuts. except she didn’t check one spot. it continued for some time, and it really sucked. but i did eventually get help, well i got meds for it. therapy never really worked. i’m still on those meds to this day and i literally can’t miss a day or i go through really bad withdrawals. i saw a show and the woman stopped her meds for her depression and she got messed up real bad and i’m terrified of that. i’m terrified of being stuck on medicine for the rest of my life, i’m more terrified of what i’d do if i was off of the medicine. i’m not okay, 5 years later and it doesn’t seem like it’ll get any better than this. July 27th will be 6 years that i haven’t had my best friend by my side, 6 years of feeling alone and broken down.
    but that’s not why i’m here, i’m here because i’m tired of being tired, i’m tired of feeling alone, i’m tired of not having someone to talk to. i’m tired of everything and i could end it all right now. if i didn’t have my beautiful niece and handsome nephew in my life. i’m so lucky for having them in my life, but i’m still so depressed. i have a roof over my head, a loving family, an amazing girlfriend and all around pretty good life but i can’t pack away this guilt, this pain, this suffering, everything i’ve tried to hide all these years are coming out and eating me up like a starved creature. i realize the starved creature is really me though, i’ve hid myself, my pain, for so long and it’s just so sick of being hidden.
    my heart is heavy, my mind is insane, my psychiatrist says i have PTSD from the traumatic experience of losing my best friend, my little brother. and i feel it, i had to get on sleeping medicine because i’d have such horrible nightmares that i couldn’t sleep, i couldn’t stay asleep. i still can’t stay asleep without the medicine and my conscious mind doesn’t have the nightmares. but i feel it in my subconscious and it hurts, it really hurts because i feel the guilt and pain every morning and i can’t even pin exactly why or where the thoughts come from, or where the pain comes from. i’m so so so messed up and i’m so tired of it. i’m so tired. i’m emotionally drained, i’m physically drained, i’m drained in every way and i don’t want to be anymore. i don’t want to be sad and broken. i don’t want to known as ‘that’ girl who needs her medicine every morning or she’ll get sick and want to die. i don’t want to be known as ‘that’ girl who wakes up screaming because she sees her little brother lying on the floor lifeless. i don’t want to be known as ‘that’ girl who is only surviving for her niece and nephew because she has nobody else. i’m so terrified of what i am, of who i am, i am so petrified of what i’ll become. i’m so scared but i’m more scared of taking my life and god forbid my niece or nephew be the one who finds me. i need more help than just medicine but who do i tell in my family without them saying “we all do but we’re fine.” i need therapy, i need my brother, i need my freaking dog i had to put down the day after i graduated high school. i need to be happy because i don’t want my niece and nephew growing up thinking there is no happiness in this world. i’m so alone and so scared.

Responses

  • 2 months ago

    RE: Depression sucks.

    I completely understand and relate to what you are saying. Especially with tired of being tired, tired of feeling alone, and having no one to talk to about how you’re truly feeling, I understand. I know I’m a stranger but just know that you are not alone, you are validated and your feelings are real, and your life matters. Believe me I know what you mean when you said you could just end it all right now, I’m going through the same feelings and it’s hard trying to fight that voice in your head that just keeps telling you do it. I could say many other things but the truth of the matter is, I’m here and you are going to be okay even if you don’t think it at the moment.
  • 2 months ago

    RE: Depression sucks.

    Hello Just_brandi,

    This is Sha,

    first of all I would like to compliment your ability at such a young age to be so compassionate.

    Let me share a story with you.

    My Grandmother bought pain and anger in our family, she abandon three of her five children seventy years ago. My mother and my uncle were the two she has taken, when she ran away. My great grandmother was put into mental institution, when my grandmother was thirteen. She had no family members to rely on; that's when she met my grandfather. He was in his thirties and she was thirteen, when he married her. From stories that has been past down, my grandfather was abusive. Thar's one of the reason she left. Grandma didn't know what it was to be a mother, therefore she passed that down to the women in our family. We are very private in our pain for tender love from our mother(s)

    When my mother died Just_brandi, I didn't go to the funeral, that's just how anger, bitterness and loneliness developed in my family. We don't know how to love.

    My mother has been dead going on twenty years, and for the last five years; I have been having dreams about my mother. I tried everything I could to erase my depression, thru anti-depressant pills to booze. When I took up a class in relaxation/medication, it teaches in order for your depression to be put up under control, we have to ask assistance from the most powerful organ in our body.

    BRAIN1

    when WE RECOGNIZE THE BRAIN IS OUR ALLY, there is nothing impossible it can not help us with.

    When I started going down that past of memory lane, I saw why I was depressed, and having dreams about my mother.

    GUILT!

    On my mother's birthday I wrote a letter. In the letter I apologize for disrespecting her; by not being at her funeral, I also share my pain why I felt we were distant with one and another. I thank my mother for allowing me to be born, and giving me a chance in life.

    You know what Just_brandi, my dreams of my mother in a negative way has stop.

    With the help of your beautiful brain, go back down memory lane, to see if there is a correlation with your brother's death and your unhappiness.

    We are here for you

    Good luck Sha.