• 6 days ago

    Trying to get better

    I'm a college student with major depressive disorder (and probably anxiety but I really don't want to get diagnosed with more stuff). I haven't always been this depressed, but it's fluctuated for the past four or five years. My suicidal urges have been 'acting up' over the past several weeks, and I had a really bad episode while I was driving, resulting in a minor ticket and a not-fun conversation with my parents about how bad my situation actually was. They are understandably not letting me drive for awhile, and I accepted that readily. However, the shame from them finding out about how out of control I am is making me feel even worse than before. I feel like a criminal or a disturbed person. My parents keep telling me that they don't know what to do about me, and that I have to facilitate my own recovery. Of course I know that driving recklessly is selfish and awful, and that isn't helping either. I should be grateful that nothing bad happened, but I just feel cold and alone and horribly ashamed of myself. I want to get better, I really do. I've tried changing my diet, and exercising, and therapy, but it doesn't seem to get me anywhere. I feel hopeless, like I'm going to be like this for the rest of my life, and I want to just stop existing and thinking about it, but I owe it to my parents to keep trying, so I can't just give up. I don't really know what to do, but it feels good to admit all this I suppose.