• 22 days ago

    Confused

    I'm a 16 year old female and in college. I'm confused and don't know if I have depression or any mental health issues or if this is something else.
    I have symptoms such as having to constantly search for a reason to get up from bed, at anytime (having to go to class usually ends up being the reason but sometimes thats also not enough), I never have energy and have had this headache most days for over a year now, I have no interest in any activities whatsoever except language learning, watching videos on youtube & facebook watch, reading stories surfing the internet, social media included and listening to music. I avoid social situations and interactions as much as possible, and only want to eat & sleep. I do try to participate in class but I can never concentrate and always feel like any little contribution I make is useless. I never participate in group activities (except presentations) and always do my part on my own. I do get quite apathetic and just feel like "sure whatever" about everything. I have a very hard time making decisions and always go with the most familiar option on anything. I always feel like I'm on autopilot and just do what I have to, I get super fidgety and restless whenever I'm in the presence of other people and sometimes can't breathe properly (but never enough to panic). I sometimes (rarely though) think about suicide and long to feel the sting of a blade but I don't act on that urge, mostly because I'm a coward and always too drained and tired to care about actually doing any of it.
    But I'm not sad all the time, I mostly feel neutral I guess. I'm attached to alot of things and have people I don't mind seeing and chatting with (never actively seek them out but if we bump into each other, sure why not). I ALWAYS find something to do like sleep, watch videos, listen to music etc so that I have something to feel and react to and not have any time spare time to get into my thoughts because I loathe the negative thoughts that never seem to leave. I'm actually a teensy bit bubbly & quite smiley if need be (but thats just me I guess). There are things that make me laugh, cry, want to chuck my phone across the room & feel happy, giddy, sad, angry etc but most of it is online stories and videos. I always have an automatic smile when I say hi or talk to someone and sometimes it feels genuine. Even if I feel hopeless, like I'm wasting my life and get real apathetic about school work, I still try to get good grades.
    I'm confused if all this is just my personality and me overthinking or if it's something more.