• 1 month ago

    Depressed and alone

    I don't know where to start. I'm turning 20 and my parent's still control me like I'm 2. No exaggeration. They used to walk up to my high school to walk me. I was never allowed to attend any birthday parties or any events like that. They are protective beyond the word. My father is extremely abusive and has damaged my whole family and now we are toxic ourselves and don't know how to he normal though we like to think we are or pretend we are. I was bullied since I can remember and still am in my 2nd year of college. I really mean it when I say I am not allowed to do anything. If I go out once in the year with a friend my parent's must meet the person and walk me right to them. I am never allowed to go anywhere without them. I had a 2 month holiday and I sat at home every single day except the few occasion of going on errand runs with them. I'm not allowed to have a boyfriend or even a friend that is a guy. It gets thrown in my face for years even if the relationship/friendship is over. I'm trying really hard to not self harm but the urge is there. I get lectured like a child my whole life and I am not allowed to breathe if it isn't the way my parents want me to. I have no friends whatsoever. Others my age are constantly messaging on their phones and no one messages me for months on end unless someone needs help. I have no cousins, aunts, no family at all they all hate us. I have no one. I have a sister who survived cancer at the age of 18 so ofcourse I have no right to be depressed or hate life. I know I have depression. I know I have anxiety and I don't know what else I have because I cannot seek professional help. My mother is a fanatic Christian so when I went to a psychiatrist she kept lecturing me and throwing it in my face that nothing is wrong with me and it's nonsense to go tell someone my feelings only God can help me. She's very loving but not nurturing and I can never tell her how I feel. The years of bullying and dysfunctional abusive household gave me a sickness. My coping mechanism to deal with stress and anxiety is to vomit. I have practically been vomiting everyday for 5 years. I vomit acid so my throat is permanently damaged. I have always over thought and stressed about everything. Everyone hates me and before even saying hi to me they decide I'm a ***. I've spoken to a psychiatrist twice and I've learnt from speaking to other people as well that it's useless talking to people who haven't been through what I've been because they will never understand and tell me that it's silly to worry about having no one etc. I'm seriously alone, no messages, no social life, even a fake one. No online friends. No one cares that I exist. I would've committed suicide a long time ago but my mother used to scare me that I will burn in hell and I used to be very religious but my mother put me off that. I have no appetite for life, I can barely eat, I hate people, I always have health problems with no one to help me. I was always hated in school because I excelled academically and I swear I never thought I was better than people but they all used to always tell me that to my face and gang up on me. I don't have access to my bank account or cards and we don't have a car so they are making sure to keep me dependent on them. Even if I had friends I could never go out with them. So I guess it's good I have no one. I had to change schools in the past because of the bullying and when my sickness developed and my parents would say that there's nothing wrong with people. It's me. Because I have problems in every school. I have no escape and even if I had one my parent's wouldn't allow it. I am like a prisoner because it must always be what my parents want and say. I must just obey. I have my own reasons for never wanting to get married but even if I wanted to my parent's would never allow it and my father always curses me that I will have a lot of problems if I get married and he doesn't approve of it. No guy is going to want to marry a girl who still lives with her mother and the mother will come on the first date and every other date. She's really like that. My dad would have problems too but I would keep it from him. I say I will live with him because people always say they'll stand on their own when they work and will have freedom but my mother really plans to live with us forever. I don't want to keep living like her prisoner but at the same time how can I be so desperate to get away from her when I'll be completely alone and no one will want me. Sorry for the long message

Responses

  • 1 month ago

    RE: Depressed and alone

    Hi there, and no problem re the length of your message - write as much as you want to!

    I'm really sorry that you have basically been in prison all or most of your life! I can't imagine what that would feel like for you. You are right in that unless a person has been through what you have, or similar, they wont understand - but it's not always necessary for someone to fully understand you to be supportive and kind.

    The question that ran through my mind as I was reading your post is why don't you break free from you parents and move out? You don't have to tell them. You are of legal age and can live and do and be any way that you want to. With a mother like yours, who, by the way, has serious problems, you HAVE to be assertive and get away from her until when or if she can learn that it's YOUR life, not hers! If she never learns that, it's not your problem. You can not continue to live with her because you will continue to be in prison and you will be letting her have control over you. You are an adult. You don't HAVE to continue to live with her. There are ways that you can move out - you don't have to be trapped there any longer. I understand that would be a hard step for you, but are you going to live with her until she dies and let her live your life for you? This will not stop until you make it stop, and the only way you can make it stop is to put your foot down and say, "ENOUGH!" and don't let her control you. Move. Get your life - live your life!

    I believe that a good therapist will help you emotionally and mentally re all the ways you have been negatively effected by your parents. You can heal and get control of your life and be happy! But that's not going to happen as long as you are living under her roof because when under her roof, it's her rules! So get out from under her rules and don't worry about what she will think because you already know that she wouldn't like it. So what! It's not her life!

    Get a therapist who can help you to deal with your parents! You will be happy you did so! Don't make any excuse for not doing because for every excuse, there is a solution! You can do it

    You were not born to live anyone's life but your own! Find a way to move out from under the control of your parents!

    Debbie