• 5 months ago

    Depression

    I have MDD, or so I’ve been told. It’s a struggle sometimes just to will myself forward. I have no control over the waves of emotion that comes sporadically; when it hits me I immediate degrade myself into nothing, both in interpersonal relationships and as a frame of mind; that I am nothing. It’s overwhelming and uncontrollable, exceeding any situation. Every day is a struggle to find the will to want to live. I have friends, but they can’t understand since none of them have ever felt a “wave” like I do. My parents try to help but honestly it feels like they toss a brick instead of a floatation device sometimes, even in the best intentions. I work, but no one there even has a faint idea of what it’s like so I’m judged more than helped. I’ve sought medical help since I was 11 but every medication I’ve tried has either exasperated the issue or made me so sick I couldn’t function and had no effect otherwise. I’m almost 30 now, and my hope for borderline normalcy seems to get more dismal every day. Am I alone with this? Am I even diagnosed right? How do I keep moving forward, even though I feel like this out of nowhere; for no reason?

Responses

  • 5 months ago

    RE: Depression

    I really feel for you. I have a daughter who is 17 years old and has had severe depression for some years (with other conditions, including an autism spectrum disorder and severe periodic limb movement disorder/restless leg syndrome, which has been very challenging to treat and caused chronic exhaustion. Oh, and she also has severe ADD, and has also been assessed as gifted, which in some ways can be disabling in itself). We have had a difficult journey since her symptoms began over six years ago and have found some things helpful. Firstly, after a lot of trial and error, we found clinicians (a psychiatrist, paediatrician (also with expertise in sleep disorders) and psychologist) who have worked out for her. The psychologist was the seventh therapist we'd tried so this was a long process. These treatment providers have mostly been willing to go way above and beyond, which is quite unusual e.g. the sleep paed responded to my queries by email and was really willing to listen to me while providing an empathic, evidence based approach when I felt desperate. He'd present my daughter's symptoms to an online forum he's a member of, and get second opinions that way. I never felt as though these providers have had a main focus on maximising their incomes, but truly have been there for us. Secondly, we tried a number of medications for depression, which mostly worsened her restless leg symptoms. Iron infusions may have been slightly helpful. Thirdly, my daughter has swum most days and exercise is incredibly helpful for depression. I do think that this is something that should be recommended much more by treatment providers, although I certainly do understand the lack of motivation for people who are depressed. We took this issue on, ourselves and support our daughter with exercise. Fourthly, we finally gave our daughter high doses of very pure fish oil; she was started on mirtazapine, which seemed to help sleep and lessen leg symptoms; she had a particular brand of probiotic; she has taken the contraceptive pill, to even out moods; and she has glucosamine, for joint pain that is likely caused by mirtazapine. Fifthly, I prayed for her. Her improvement began at that final point. She hasn't fully recovered, but has made some progress. Obviously each situation is different but I hope that you will find these comments helpful and that your symptoms improve too.
  • 5 months ago

    RE: Depression

    No you're definitely not alone trust me! I've battled with GAD and MDD for years but in the last few years something was going on and it was bad, real bad. I couldn't control my emotions. I would say things, God awful things, to my family and friends that loved me. I would do things on an impulse but usually it wouldn't end well. So many other things were happening and I was ending up back in a facility Baker acted for 72 hours. Well last July an amazing doctor treated me while I was in the hospital, this time much longer than 72 hours. She sat me down one day and she said that I had BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). I was 51 years old, been with my absolutely wonderful husband for 30 years, and we have a 12 year old son! We adopted our great nephew in 2013 and are truly blessed. I finally knew what was wrong with me and so many things started making sense as to why I was doing these horrible things and it was one of the happiest days. Oh believe me I struggle everyday with all 3 of my disorders and I'm so physically and mentally drained. I see a therapist one on one plus I have group DBT therapy. Dialectical Behavior Therapy is the best way, the only way to, get the real help I need. I've tried to explain everything to my mom and my brother and his family, but they don't believe in mental illness and it's just an excuse. Maybe one day they're going to start to understand and believe me. Hopefully it won't be too late. Thank God for my husband, my best friend, and his family for listening, not judging, being my real family. I won't sugar coat this because mental illness is serious and steadily getting worse. You're going to have terrible days, good days, wishing you didn't exist days, but pick your ass up put on your big girl panties and you can do this!!! If I can, you can!!!
      • 5 months ago
        I too have GAD and MDD and have been to several therapist and one more meds then I can count on over the years. The last 3 years have been especially hard. I recently came across some research on borderline personality disorder. I've always felt as if there was something else, something more wrong with me. Though the depression tells me it's all in my head and that no one would believe me if I told them. Any advice on how to approach this topic with a doctor?
      • 5 months ago
        Please....do nto let anyone tell you that what you feel is 'all in your head'. What you feel is real and makes you feel bad. I have been depressed my whole life and remember how sad a little girl I was.
        But as I got older it got worse and I have been medicated for it for
        most of my life. Finding the right meds for you is hard but do not
        give up. It took me half my life but I finally did. No one can really
        put themselves in your shoes and understand if they do not have depression too and how hard it is not to feel the way one does with
        this disease. You will feel better for a time and then may not; the
        way I express it is I am medicated so I feel I can cope but have the
        other regular depression that comes when something happens
        like other people too....the event depression. Then I really get down.
        I have learned to talk to myself and work it out, but at times now that
        I am not so young anymore, it doesn't work now. I am guilty of not taking my meds everyday...forgetting and that is bad....I can tell the difference quickly and get in a take them. Just do all you can to be as
        positive as you are able and be good to yourself and when you know
        you are feeling particularly uncomfortable- rest, treat your-self and
        the rest or sleep will do you good..as you honor your feeling of being
        depressed. However, try hard not to wallow in it...try to ignore it as
        it will drown if you are not careful....like a ghost that is following you and waiting to make you miserable. It does take courage to face it,
        tell it to stop bugging you and making you sad....I pray it away, listen
        to music, get busy and do some things and try not to think about it. I do not think most people I have been or are around much understand
        it really, so I rarely tell anyone that I have depression...because they then start treating me different when I do. It is an illness that is indiscriminate, though there are symptoms that most of us have. I
        have hardly ever found professional people who truly seem to e able
        to put themselves in my shoes, which is odd and does nto help. I do
        say however, that when you find the right meds for you that work it makes all the difference and worth the struggle to find it. Many of us
        are out here with it, so no one is alone in this. While it can make us
        each feel very alone just the same, it is important to honor yourself, like yourself and do all you can to beat the monster that is depression.
        Blessings and best to all of you who suffer with it...it is a journey to be sure.
  • 5 months ago

    RE: Depression

    Hi. I have read your post with sadness. I also have and some how live day by day with MDD. This is not an easy disease to cope with. It is hard for me to say "don't let the feeling of doubtfulness overwhelm you," because I deal with it every day. I have been on so many medication throughout my life, but none of them seem to work. I am currently taking three antidepressants, Valium and a sleeping pill which again I still feel the same way. My psch doctor says I'm immune to antidepressants. So I guess I have to find a way to live with these hateful feelings.
    Please, try and find a good therapist to talk to. I hope you can find some happiness in this life.
    I am disabled due to my depression. People that I worked with found it uncomfortable working with me as I would be crying most of the day.
    My current meds stop me from crying, but I can not live with a fake happy face any more. I've done that most of my life and can not do it any more.
    Be well and safe. Write back, please. I'd like to know how your doing.
      • 5 months ago
        I appreciate the feedback. It helps knowing I’m not alone. I’m still struggling with the day by day. It’s a constant battle with myself to maintain a head above the water, just enough to breathe once before I get pulled back down. I’ve dried my tears as much as possible but sometimes it feels like I’m crying in the rain and no one notices the pain behind each droplet, just a passing raindrop drizzling past a fake smile. It’s so hard to explain what that mask feels like, it’s torture to wear but it’s worse than not putting it on. The stigmas, the preconceptions people have, mean when you do break down in front of someone, and you try to explain that you don’t know or understand why you started, they’ll never grasp the concept and they’ll give advise that doesn’t apply. Don’t think about it. (Think about what?) Man up (I would try, if I knew what was going on) Just stay positive. (It’s not an attitude I have ever had control over, or even been able to influence). I don’t mean any disrespect to anyone on here, and I apologize if I come off that way, I’m extremely grateful for the replies (I wasn’t sure if anyone would bother reading, let alone reply). My point is, I’m glad to have found some people who can appreciate how I feel. I’m a 28 year old guy, stuck in his parents house, and no one wants to acknowledge my happy mask is only a mask, and one I have no control over.
  • 5 months ago

    RE: Depression

    I have battled MDD for 25 years. I like you had been on every medication available. I have also seen many therapists off and on with not much success until a couple years ago. The following has helped me out so much and I hope it can help you. I had genesight testing done which let my psychiatrist know what medications and combinations are best for me to finally see some positive results. The second thing that really helped me was NeuroStar transcranial magnetic therapy. I had to go for 6 weeks 5 days a week, I can truly say this procedure saved my life. I still have my ups and downs, but am in a much better place in my life. Make God your best friend, don't ever give up. You can beat this
      • 5 months ago
        Hi Shadow73. I have also had genesight testing done. I am having health insurance issue's due to the new year. Until the doctors and insurance companies can decide their issue's, I can not start my new medications. I have heard of transcranial magnetic therapy, but I'm not sure if I could due that. I'm nervous about those kind of tests.
        Maybe I can change my mind and have it done, since I've had this disease all my life and as I get older I get more depressed.
      • 5 months ago
        Good morning I was very nervous and hesitant at first, but I knew it was something I had to try. After making it through the first week, it became easier and easier. I'm not going to lie, the first few times really hurt but it gets better as your head gets use to it. I had a wonderful nurse whom I really enjoyed visiting with, she had a beautiful spirit and she genuinely cared about me. Go to NeuroStar website and read about it, hope you'll consider it. Take care
      • 4 months ago
        Hi Shadow. What do you mean it hurt? Where did it hurt? Was it like a headache? How far along are you now? Do you see some progress? Please forgive my questions. I tend to believe someone that has gone thru it versus reading a pamphlet.
      • 4 months ago
        Good morning! Each of my treatments lasted 37 minutes, everyone is different so it can be as little as 19 minutes. The only side effect is temporary pain or discomfort to the treatment site, from the precise magnetic pulse. I cried some the first couple times, as it felt like something was hitting me in the head repeatedly. My head got use to it and I was fine. This type of treatment is designed for people with major depressive disorder where medications have failed them. Prior to this treatment it was highly difficult for me to function, I had no interest in life, and I cried constantly. So yes, it helped me a lot. The procedure helps to activate the natural function of the brains neurotransmitters.
      • 4 months ago
        Good morning. Well then, I'd be a customer. I am medication resistant. And I've tried at least two meds from each group.
        I to had genesight testing done. I was feeling 'ok' on the meds, but now they seem to have stopped.
        Did you healthcare pay for the transcranial magnetic therapy?
      • 4 months ago
        After many complications my insurance did end up paying. I suggest you talk with your therapist about this as it does need psychiatrist approval and their was paperwork required on their part. I should say their was for me anyway, I'm sure their may be many differences depending on insurance type. Good Luck and keep me posted.
      • 4 months ago
        Ok. Thank you.
  • 5 months ago

    RE: Depression

    I feel you. I've been depressed for almost a decade now, but only recently started treatment. I kept telling myself that I could overcome it by sheer will power. I'm scared of medicines as they have so many side effects. I go through some of what you have mentioned. I rarely find joy in anything. When I wake up, I feel empty and directionless. Its a struggle to get out of bed and do anything. I struggle with even taking care of myself. I don't like getting out of the house unless its absolutely essential. Its true that there are plenty things that have gone wrong in my life. These events have exacerbated the disease, but I'm sure I have had it for many years. Its challenging to find support. No one wants a downer in the party. I also feel uncomfortable unloading my issues on people whose lives are in pretty good shape. I feel so alone. I'm trying to figure out what will help me. If you ever need to vent, feel free to message me.
      • 4 months ago
        Hi Jane. I also thought I could fight it. What I really did was damage myself esteem, family and friends.
        Now I just cope with all the doctor visits and therapist telling me to smile.
        When smiling is the least thing on earth that I want to do.
        I feel like you in the morning, or whenever I wake up. I feel empty inside. I know I should be doing something, but I have no energy, even tbough I just woke up. A good day for me is if the world and everything in it would leave me alone. I have the type of mother that tells me to shrugge it off, smile and get on with my day. She for one came to visit me when I was in the phys ward at the hospital but can not understand what I'm going through. Again like you, I don't talk to to many happy people because why bring thier mood down.
        I hate getting the mail from the mail box. There is never anything good that comes out of it. Bills, bills and more bills.
        I also have difficulties taking care of myself. Why take a shower if I'm not going any where.
        I will also open the invitation to you aswell. If you ever need sime one to talk to or even just listen, I'm here for you. It doesn't matter the time of day or night.
        What state do you live in? I have moved to Florida, from CT because I thought that the more sun light would help me. But it didn't. My depression followed me here.
      • 4 months ago
        Good morning! Yes, it is very challenging to find support. Our town has nothing for depression groups, which is very sad. I have a very small circle, over time I have pretty much closed myself off from the world. It's hard to be around people that don't understand. I had been doing good until winter hit, this is a huge struggle for me every year as I live in the frozen tundra. The 4 months off extreme cold gets harder and harder each year, it make my fibromyalgia unbearable. I'm in my best spirits when I can be outside walking, riding bike, BBQ, and watching my cat play in the grass. 5 years ago at a very low time where I knew death was knocking I had ECT treatments during a 10 month period. I was having memory loss which they say is a temporary side effect, I then decided it was time to stop the treatments. The treatment was very effective, but I still have some memory loss. For that reason I don't usually recommend ECT, if it is a life or death situation though I would definitely say to do it. Thanks for allowing me to vent, have a good day!
      • 4 months ago
        I've heard of ECT a few years ago. I had a few classmates that wen't through ECT and it worked for them. They did say that eventually, your short term memory will come back but again, still nervous nelly here.
      • 4 months ago
        I have permanently lost memories of things over the last 15 years or so from the ECT treatments. I continue to come across memory losses while talking to people when they bring different things up. My family has also seen over the past 5 years stuff I no longer remember that I definitely should know. I wish I would of lost all the past memories that contributed to my extreme depression, anxiety and anger issues. I would of been dead without that treatment, so I guess some memory loss is not so bad after all.
      • 4 months ago
        Yes, I for one could go without my past memories. I think of them everyday I open my eyes.