• 1 month ago

    blank

    Greetings to whoever is going to read it and i am sorry if i sound dramatic or something.
    So i'd come to the point, which is not one but many. I am in class 10th, good at my studies but only when i study. I mean in the beginning of this session i.e. in april, i was among the top 10 students in my class.
    I had been studying in st. mary's school since LkG till my 9th. After that i came to the school i am in presently. I changed my school because 1) i thought i'd be able to focus on my studies here 2) i'll make new good friends and not think much about our friendship(not overthink about friends) 3) will make a new good image of myself

    Its not like i didn't focus on my studies in mary's but just that till 8th i was the class topper but in my 9th i was sick for the entire year. i hardly went to school and scored 70 percent in my annuals which was very shocking for everyone as i had scored 10 cgpa in past all the classes. so people thought of me as a girl who has now stopped studying when i was actually ill. Also, i hated my friends there. They actually made fun of me every time and i couldn't reply back to them because 1) i didn't want to because i know it hurts and 2) i didn't know how to reply to such comments

    In this school, my new school, initially i barely talked to anyone then a few weeks later i was appointed as the class monitor and so i had to talk to everyone. gradually, i made friends here and got frank with them and i enjoyed my school. i still do. its fun because they find me funny and i love to make them laugh knowing that i did not insult anyone or hurt anyone while cracking jokes. its kind of a satisfaction to know i am funny without being rude. But at the same time, i miss my school. I miss it a lot. I miss my friends. No matter what, but the friendship i had with them is not the same as i have now. Students in my new school are kinds weird maybe because its not a convent school. I am not too comfortable being around them. They are different. I cant say certain things in front of them because it makes me look like a complete uneducated person. They act as if they are from some very well educated family who earns like a million in a month when actually its not true. They fake things around and even a small word like stupid is something very big for them. students here are also too much into studies, which is good but it becomes boring after a point. So, in short, i don't like this school and i have stopped being regular after august.

    if you're still reading then thank you

    The thing that has been troubling me a lot lately is my previous school friends. Two of them are in the same coaching and we meet every alternate day but they don't even look at me. I mean i dont what what changed except my school that they stopped talking to me. I intentionally took the evening batch so that i could meet at least 2 of my friends but they don't bother to say a hello. I expected something very different. I thought we'd sit together and discuss my new school and whats all happening in mary's and whats going on and stuff and study together. After i changed my school , i used to call each of my friends every now and then but when i realised they aren't interested in talking to me i stopped calling them first. And not so surprisingly, they didn't call me even once. I am upset, really upset.

    My 9th class was a really bad one. I was into self harm since my 8th class that i rarely did something more than scratching with a compass and that too just once or twice in the entire year. But 9th class left me with scars. I started using a blade and my hand was so ugly to even look at after it was filled with blood all over. I thought of myself as a complete mess. I thought i was so annoying that i should not weven talk to anyone and yes, i didn't talk to anyone. I stayed quiet most of the time and got upset at very small stuff. I changed a lot in the initial of my 10th but i am back to the same point now. My hand is full of scars, even my thigh too. I wonder what i am gonna do after the winters end. How am i gonna face my parents! I have this urge to destroy my hand completely with a blade whenever i feel down and the problem is i feel down every alternate day. The feeling is so bad that even thinking about it can make me cry. I couldn't help but rush to the washroom with a blade. It actually calms me down. I stop crying after it and i forget whatever just happened. Its so relaxing. I cant explain how good it feels. It kills all the feelings i was going through a few minutes back. I know its wrong but i cant help. My ex best friend once called my mom and told her about it. After i returned from my coaching she cleverly checked my hand and almost cried. My father took me to the hospital for injection. They were both very disappointed. They thought of me as a very strong girl but i was this strong girl till my 5th or 6th class. I grew weaker n weaker after that.

    I have had suicidal thoughts and I've been wondering what could be the best option. I have had days wen i researched a lot about how to kill yourself and i probably wouldn't have been alive if i found an appropriate way that time. I've bought sleeping pills but after i read an article that there are no 100 percent chances that you'd die, i threw them away. When i die, i want to die in 1 go, no going to the hospital. Sometimes i wonder if i'd be able to survive for long with such *** in my head.

    But i recently lost my grandfather. My father has completely broken down and i cant see him like this. He's very emotional but it makes my cry to see him like that. 2019 has had a bad start. It is so so depressing right now. Though one thing good that has happend is that i have decided not to ever commit suicide after seeing that my family is so weak. I cant put them into such a bad situation.

    Mid october to mid november , i tried to change myself a lot and i guess i even did. But i don't know, i am being dragged into the darkness again. I have thought of killing everyone in my house and then killing myself. Even i know its really stupid but just a thought.

    thanks for still reading

    Its been almost 3 weeks now that i am crying daily. Self harm is very normal for me now. I feel upset all the time. I don't wish to talk to anyone. I don't reply to anyone's text. I cant study. The minute i start studying, i have such depressing thoughts. I sit alone crying. I go for a bath, i cry a lot and i come out. I just feel sad all the time. I have got actually no friends at all whom i can share anything with. I cant share my suicidal feelings with my family obviously and at this time, not at all. I really want to go meet a friend hug her and cry it all out. I desperately need a hug and i know the second i get a hug from a close friend, i am gonna start crying because i have been holding all this in from a long time now.
    I have been into the online world since my 7th class and i love talking to strangers. I have 3-4 online friends whom i am close to. I can share everything with them but again, i have been sharing my things with people sitting far away for a much long time now. I now want someone in real. I want to talk to them face to face. I want a shoulder to cry on.
    But that's not happening. I have searched for online psychiatrists but i get landed in some random chat room with same depression n anxiety n stress. I once asked my dad to take me to a psychiatrist to which he said yes but i didn't have the guts to ask again and also, i don't want dad to know even a thing. I don't want to trouble him.
    even a small argument with anyone gets me into so much of thinking. The minute i hear something which i don't want to, there's this heavy feeling. My heart skips a beat and i feel so much load on my chest. its the worst feeling in the world. my facial expressions turn so weir that i could sense it myself. i couldn't speak a word. It seems as if that one sentence stole all of my words from me. I have a 100 sentences in my head but they are stuck inside. I don't know what to say and even if i do, i go silent. i just couldn't speak and i walk away. if i am on a call i disconnect. if i am on a video call i hide my face. I don't want anyone to see me like this. I feel embarrassed.

    Thanks for reading it all :)

Responses

  • 9 days ago

    RE: blank

    It's seems you've been and are going through a lot and I am truly sorry. You said you decided to not give into those suicidal thoughts and that's great, it's a start. It'll take time to heal and feel better again. It's going to be a long bumpy journey but you can get through it. Those thoughts and emotions can be very strong, believe me I know. That's why you need to regain control. Maybe try meditation or just doing something you like or have a great passion for. One thing I do recommend is to go to a therapist, you said you told your dad but didn't go. Push him, don't ever feel like you're burdening him because you're not, your mental health is crucial. I promise you that once you do find a suitable therapist a weight will be lift off your shoulder. I noticed you also said you needed someone to talk to about everything, face to face so this might just help you a lot. Hope this helped:)
      • 8 days ago
        I am very thankful to you for replying. This did help. I had been waiting for a reply and finally after 22 days, I got one. Thank you :) I cannot talk to my dad about it right now but I am tryna make myself strong every day :) Hope you have a great day and an awesome life ahead. Thank you again !!