• over 2 years ago

    Always HOPE

    Many of us reach a point in life, where we don't see a reason to continue on. No matter what the cause is for reaching this hopelessness, we cannot find any glimmer of light to sustain a desire to live. I have suffered at that point, on numerous occasions.

    I grew up with a narcissistic mother. Her entire focus in life was her own image. In my first semester of college, when I was brutally attacked and raped after having a few drinks at a party, her only response was, "Well, did you learn your lesson about drinking?". After begging for months to see someone for help, to no avail, I developed an eating disorder, as the only means to control my fear and emotions. According to her, I was then weak and disgusting. I struggled to live day to day, to become independent, to build a career, to carry on healthy relationships. But I could never fully fight off the demons in my thoughts.

    After the death of my father in 2004, and the loss of my job, I had a complete mental breakdown. Yet again, rather than finding me the appropriate help and support, my mother saw this as an opportunity. Now, knowing it as Munchausen-By-Proxy, she used my weakened mental and emotional state, to her benefit. She convinced me I was physically sick, even disabled, and needed to be on medication. She played the manipulative game with doctors and pharmacies all over the area, to acquire incredible amounts of barbiturates, benzodiazepines, narcotics, and anything else she could get her hands on. The number of medications I was taking, the extremely dangerous doses of each, and frequency she gave them to me, very well should have killed me. Instead, I spent the decade I lived under her control, in a wheelchair, with the extent of my activity being moving from my bed, to the couch for the day, and then back to bed at night. For a number of those years, my breathing was so suppressed from the drugs and side effects, I was on oxygen 24/7.

    My mother's story was always, "My poor daughter is so sick, and no one can figure out what is wrong with her. She is in so much pain, and nothing relieves it at all. I have given up MY life to care for her, as she will never recover. I am her mother, so it is what I must do", all the while putting another pain patch on me, and shoving another fistful of pills into my mouth. She had convinced me as well, that I would never recover in any way, and that once she could no longer care for me, I would be put into a home.

    I had no reason, nor desire, to live that way any longer. None.

    Then, one day, in her constant search for new doctors and new prescriptions, I ended up at one of the most prestigious hospitals in the United States. I found out later on, that they recognized the entire situation as abuse, on the day I was admitted. On that day, my doctors told me I would walk out of that hospital healthy one day. My mother and I both laughed in their face. They continued to tell me that everyday, and for the first month, my response was either, "You're full of ***!", or "*** You!"

    Then one day, the attending doctor came over to me, stood right in front of me, and said, "Get up, and walk down that hallway!" I shared a few choice words with him, and laughed at his suggestion. He repeated himself, took the walker in front of me, and literally threw it across the hallway. As I looked on in disbelief, he said once more, "Get up, and walk down that hallway." The resident that had been standing next to him, came to my side and took my arm. He helped me out of my wheelchair, and held my arm as I slowly walked around the entire unit. Upon my return to the wheelchair, the attending simply said, "See? I told you that you will walk out of here!". For the first time ever, I had a glimpse of hope . . . that what I always believed to be impossible, might in fact be, possible.

    The doctors kept me inpatient for 6 months, always telling my mother that I was still too sick to go home, but all the while, protecting me from her until I was well. In those 6 months, I went through the grueling process of detoxing from all of the medications, went through daily physical therapy to teach my body how to work again, and spent every day in intensive cognitive therapy to challenge, and eventually change, the thoughts I had been not only told over the past decade, but throughout my entire life.

    That was just FOUR years ago. In these past four years, the struggle has been enourmous. But I have always kept HOPE as my guiding light, and the fuel to my motivation. I have learned to live each and every day as it comes. I cannot change the past, nor can I predict the future, so I choose to stay only in the moment. I have been blessed to have the utmost support from my brothers and extended family, and have the best friends one could ever wish for.

    Now, four years after being wheeled into a hospital unit, I am completely independent - living on my own, working full time, eating well and exercising, paying my own bills, spending time with friends and family, and even dating. I have severed all ties, and neither I, or any of my immediate or extended family, have had any contact with my mother in two years. I am healthy - in every true sense of the word. I am happy! I love being around people, am confident in who I am, and love to laugh more than anything. I believe in kindness, and love, and that we as humans are here to support each other.

    I often wonder, "What if?" What if I had died in her "care"? What if I had taken my own life, as I so many times planned? And the only response I ever can muster is, "then look what I would have missed out on". I have so much more life to live, and every opportunity is open to me! I want to try everything there is to do! I want to experience life in every possible way! It is about time, now at 44 year old, that I begin to LIVE!

    HOPE. Anything is possible. Things can change any day. We never know when or how, but we all need to be open to the opportunity. I am not a religious person, but I DO believe in miracles. I have lived one, and am oh so proud.

    HOPE. Tomorrow is a brand new day.

    HOPE

    "She believed she could, so she did!"

Responses

  • 10 days ago

    RE: Always HOPE

    hey, I'm sorry for you, but you have to struggle! You have to bear the roughest experiences of your life! For example my sister is an invalid after a car accident, so she needs an electrical wheelchair... However, she still remained the same happy person even in the case when she lost the ability to walk. But she needs a special electrical wheelchair instead of the wheelchair she uses now...
      • 10 days ago
        hi, my mother is too old and I would like to purchase her an electrical wheelchair. So I would like to know if you've already found some examples of cheap and qualitative wheelchairs
      • 8 days ago
        Hi 5uk4tirrol,

        I would click on the following link to see if your mom would qualify for Medicare to pay 80% of the cost of a wheelchair (they have various kinds).

        On this link it lists the requirements, and if she does qualify, I would get the ball rolling for her!

        https://www.medicare.gov/pubs/pdf/11046-Medicare-Wheelchair-Scooter.pdf

        Best to you
        Debbie
  • 10 days ago

    RE: Always HOPE

    A sad story with a happy end. A lot of people that have diseases could rehabilitate only if the people around them would encourage them. But in most cases, the people that visit you, mourn you. When someone mourns you, they give you that negative mood, you feel bad for yourself and this doesn't make you better. I heard the story where Jesus was healing the blinds. He didn't have superpowers, he was a normal human. Just the fact that they believed in him, opened their eyes when he touched them. Believing in yourself is the key to a happy and healthy life. We recently bought an electric wheelchair for my mother, but although she's in the wheelchair, we don't treat her as an invalid, we encourage her to move, we make her happy. As for the ones that are interested in buying a wheelchair, we got our from https://www.paramountind.com/best-electric-wheelchairs/