• 9 months ago

    I Have To Fake It

    So often, I really don't want to go anywhere or do anything. I just want to huddle in bed & cry.
    I am so lonely. My life fell apart, & I already had PTSD.
    My older son threw me away, & I can't forget. I can't see my only grandchild. My crime? I saved him from running in front of a car. No one else was watching him.
    His father was detailing his car, & his mom was in the house.
    I was the only person watching him.
    When I snatched him up, he screamed (he was 3, & strong willed).
    I made him scream, so I was out.
    My marriage was dying, after 35+ years.
    Then the to-be-ex shattered my clavicle bone not much later, & left for the airport. He was not arrested. This county isn't the least corrupt in the country.
    I'm so tired of being a damn victim, & being expected to act happy all of the freaking time when I have been pissed all over & I know it.


  • 9 months ago

    RE: I Have To Fake It

    Hi Chsss1978

    It sounds like you've been going through some difficult things. What kind of support are you getting? If you aren't already, therapy would be a great avenue for you to help you to learn to gain better coping skills, and make some behavioral and maybe environmental changes. You won't get any better emotionally or mentally by don't nothing - meaning, by not getting professional help. There's no shame in seeing a therapist to help you to get some of the broken pieces of your life back together again.

    If you don't want to keep being a victim, then one good topic of therapy would be to work through the kinds of choices you are making that is putting you back in those kinds of situations. What is in your belief system about yourself that causes you to gravitate toward abusive relationships? These things and many other are things that a therapist (a good therapist) can help you figure out and then teach you skills to know how to make better choices.

    Wouldn't it be worth it for you? You can either choose to remain feeling like you are and living like you are the rest of your life or you can start taking baby steps that will lead you away from it! It's your choice. It's hard, no doubt, but not impossible! That's why you need a well-trained therapist to help you - one that you like, that you connect with and like re personality, and who you can learn from. If the first therapist you see ends up not being that person for you, then find another one. Don' t settle for just anything therapist.

    I don't know if you would need medication or not, that's not for me to decide - sometimes it's necessary, depending on what mental diagnosiss, but it's not always required when someone is depressed.

    But, if you are not currently seeing a therapist, I would encourage you to make that your first step. I don't know what your finances are like, but there are therapists who charge on a sliding scale fee (based on income or what you can pay). Maybe therapists will also do a free, half hour or 1 hour consultation over the phone or in person just to meet. It's not always easy to know if you will like a therapist based on one visit, but I have found that for myself, I can tell if I DON'T like her based on first visit. So the free consult is nice in those cases.

    You could go to www.psychologytoday.com
    and enter your zip code and then on the left column, you can filter the kind of therapist you are looking for.

    THre is also a place where you can email anyone you might be interested. What I do is tell them basically what Im looking for (general or specific) what I can afford to pay, do they offer sliding scale fee, do they have free consult, and any other little thing I might want to add. I make a copy of that and use that same thing if im inquiring more than one therapist. IT just makes it easier for them to rule me out or visa versa.

    You deserve to be respected! You deserve to have a life that is not constantly plagued with depression and dysfunction! You deserve to be happy, whatever that is for you!

      • 9 months ago
        I have seen many therapists in the past. Have genuinely liked a number, but I am on Medicare now, & the only therapist in my city that takes Medicare refuses to take me. I just do it with prayer, my husband, & my best friend. I wish that she lived closer, but we email a lot.
        I do have a regular shrink. Pretty good talking Rx pad.
        I get lonely a lot.
        Just beginning to venture out into the world again. I am following advice to not obsess over the past. Small setback recently, but I will be fine.
        Trying to not think about the son who never wants to see me again, or his son, who loved me more than his mom.
        Just working on it.
        Good advice.
      • 9 months ago
        Hi Chsss1978

        Do you think you could afford to pay anything for therapy out of pocket? I am on disability and medicare, but I prefer not to see therapists on insurance lists. But, I also can't afford much. That's why when I went online to search for a therapist, one of the first things I let them know was how much I could pay and did they accept a sliding scale fee. Sometimes you will find a therapist who is willing to reduce their fee for you. I am currently seeing a therapist for $60 per session, but who normally charges $160 per session! She's an absolute gem! Not because she dropped her fee for me, but because she is!

        There are some pretty amazing therapists out there who would be willing and able to see you at a lower rate. You may not be able to afford to go weekly, but even if bi-weekly, that would be great!

        Maybe you can check into it, huh?

        I'm sorry about your son, and hope that he will gain the courage to come see you face-to-face so that you both can work through this together.

      • 9 months ago
        I will try.
        My older son intends to make the separation permanent, as he told the younger son. I just pray, & so do some others.
        I attempted to get my previous therapist to lower her rate...no way. But I will try others.
        Thank you, angel.