• 4 months ago

    Depression?

    Hi everyone,
    I’m 19 years old and was doing pretty well until approximately 2 months ago. On the 1st of February I had a massive panic attack and it left me with a weird sensation that has never left me since. I feel like nothing makes sense anymore. And I mean nothing. I feel like I don’t love my family anymore, or my friends. I had to go back home from university even though I really loved it. All my dreams, my goal, the things I wanted to do don’t mean anything anymore. I don’t see why people go to work, go to parties, how they can have fun. Life’s become so flat and bleak I can’t physically feel trapped. I feel like I’m not myself anymore. All my memories feel distorted, as if I wasn’t myself. All the things I did and learnt and cared about are completely gone. They’re like sand. Both good and bad things. I’m not afraid of walking alone at night anymore, I don’t care if someone attacks me. Sometimes I wish someone killed me. All my values, my interests, my faith, everything just disappeared. I tried everything. I went to a psychiatrist and am currently taking some pills. But they don’t seem to be working that much. It’s been almost 5 months now and everyday going by I feel that my detachment increases. I don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t read, I can’t watch movies, I can’t study. I’ve become the ghost of myself. I feel absolutely nothing, just this void. I’m so jealous of my friends that can go on with their life while I’m stuck in this bubble. I feel like I don’t know how to live anymore and I can’t imagine feeling any other way in the future. My doctor said all of this is part of the illness but if feels just too much, how can it be just part of the illness? Can someone relate to these particular feelings?

Responses

  • 4 months ago

    RE: Depression?

    5 months, not 2
  • 4 months ago

    RE: Depression?

    What happened to you between Christmas break and February? There is something that happened that brought stress, doubt, and feelings of worthlessness. What is it that made you start doubting yourself?
  • 4 months ago

    RE: Depression?

    Nothing! I studied for exams but wasn’t stressed at all, and I passed them all with great marks. The problem is I don’t feel worthlessness. I love my life, I’m objectively happy about it and about the person that I was. I just feel that I don’t perceive it anymore. I know how I should be feeling but I just don’t and it’s driving me insane.
  • RE: Depression?

    Hi, I’m truly sorry you are experiencing this. I have experienced almmost the same exact thing. I would start by revisiting your psychiatrist or find a new one. What they are giving you, as you know, is clearly not working. They need to find out what kind of depression this is if it is in fact depression. All depression and/or anxiety is not treated the same. I obviously dont know your history but when i exhibited these symptoms, the same ones you are describing, they diagnosed me with PTSD. I have depression on its own sometimes but I also experience depression that is triggered by PTSD. When I have PTSD related treatment I totally disconnect with people. They call it disassociation. I feel like I’m kind of watching things from the outside. Like life is a movie sort of. While I am not actively suicidal at these times I don’t really want to live either. I remember going to bed hoping I didnt wake up.
    My point is that you are not alone. Please see your doctor. If PTSD is not a possibility than maybe its just severe clinical depression. Either way, you don’t have to live this way. There is hope and you can find yourself again.
  • 4 months ago

    RE: Depression?

    Panic attacks are usually 10-20 minutes in length but leave lasting impressions as they include breathlessness, tremor, racing heart, sweating/chills, body pain, and often loss of bowel of urinary control.

    These are normal an extreme flight or flight response where neither reaction can be vented so your body internalizes all the stress, anxiety and fear. Normally something apparent causes this, but it could be a memory or a PTSD type reaction to a place, sight, sound or smell. Happening once could mean you body was vulnerable do to lack of sleep, illness or stress, but that also means it could happen again. I'd discuss with an MD and not assume it could not be physical. Coping strategies for panic attacks include breathing into a bag, removing yourself from whatever situation may be a trigger and applying cold to neck and face.