• 9 months ago

    Finally reaching out

    I appreciate the forum being here for sufferers to open up. I have spent my life "being strong", putting on a plastic smile and trudging through everything. I am now 47 and too tired to go on. I was not blessed with health. Though I'm a fighter and made a great life for myself with a family and a 25 year career, I have had multiple health issues my entire life - Mitral Valve Prolapse which I'm told is the reason I have Dysautonomia (itself being a wicked condition to deal with), severe degenerative disc disease (5 surgeries with more planned, herniations, fusions, unimaginable pain and restriction of activities that used to bring me some semblance of joy), and IMO the worse of all these hereditary conditions: clinical depression. The depression has been there my whole life, however it would manifest in waves. Most days it would be at a low enough impact that I could push it aside and not think about it, but a wave of severe depression would hit me and last from a couple days up to about a week... always subsiding enough for me to get back into the swing of things. This rollercoaster would always give me hope that it will pass. Over the years the occurrences would growing longer, but I still had hope they'd pass and I'd once again "feel" and have motivation. I hit another unprovoked drop in my serotonin almost 2 months ago, and am still incredibly depressed today. I have lost the hope I usually have that it will pass, and am now prepared to see my Dr for a prescription (I tried Cymbalta then Effexor, as well as Sam-E several years ago, only to struggle with the side effects - after nearly 2 years on different meds, I tapered off). To wrap this up so it's not any longer, the only reason I hang on to this miserable life is for the sake of my family, and lately I question if that's even worth it. I feel as though they'd be initially upset, but seeing that I no longer have anything to offer (due to my spine condition, disability, and other health issues), I feel I am more of a burden than a blessing to them. If I can't get some semblance of feeling and motivation back soon, I will need to do something. No one should live like this.
    Thank you for listening.


  • 9 months ago

    RE: Finally reaching out

    Jimwillis, reading your post I couldn't help thinking that you're stronger than you know. You've been through so much and sharing your story is actually a real encouragement to me. And I'm sure I speak for others who feel the same way.

    Hang in there. Keep pushing through for better health. Yes, your family depends on you. But in a roundabout way, so do others who you've never met.

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
      • 9 months ago
        Thank you. I have an appointment to speak with the Dr who prescribed me SSRIs several years ago... I hope to get back on something that can help. Reaching out here was more than catharsis, when I swing low, it scares me. I spoke with an old friend the night I wrote it, and he really helped me. I appreciate your kind words and encouragement... it's greatly needed.
  • 9 months ago

    RE: Finally reaching out

    Hi Jimwillis, I'm sorry that you have been "hit" with so many serious health problems! I can only imagine how that would make you feel!

    I understand how when you experienced lower levels of depression mixed with deeper depression, but you knew that it would get better - you had hope. But now your depression has been lasting longer than normal, and you're starting to lose hope.

    I fully understand how that feels because I have been going through something for 5 plus years and at first, I was so full of hope and I just knew that somehow, some day, things would get better and I would be back to my normal self. Well, as I said, it's been over 5 years and my situation has only gotten worse. So as you can imagine, I have days where I wonder if maybe there really IS hope! Maybe I missed the "hope boat," I tell myself. But then I go the extreme (for me) and tell myself, "Ok, there's no hope! I may as well give up if there's no hope!" Then lo and behold, I simply CAN'T believe that! Hope is what I live on and have for the past 20 years of my life; I can't just suddenly believe it's not there because things aren't going as I think they should. So during those days where I may not FEEL I have hope, I hang onto the FACT that regardless of how I feel at the moment, hope is there for me and holding onto me when I can't hold onto it!

    What is the opposite of hope? Despair! So the only thing that can come of living, breathing, and being without hope is despair. It's a choice that depends on what we choose to think and dwell on.

    Hang in there and know that no matter how bad things get for you, there is always hope! Hope doesn't not depend on circumstances!

    Oh, and you ARE good for something! Walking is not a prerequisite for being useful! You have your heart, your words to encourage, and I'm sure many other random acts of kindness that you could do that would make another person's day! Start today! :)

  • 8 months ago

    RE: Finally reaching out

    I have several problems in common with you. My rambling history is in my profile if you like. But disk degeneration has emerged in a previously health disk (L1-2 and C3-C4 were fused 20 years ago) and I'm trying hard to wait this out hoping it will resolve by itself. This does happen sometimes, but I know it is more unlikely. Severe depression I've had all my life and just upgraded to bi-polar disorder!
    Another nasty trouble is my Pan Ulcerative Colitis. It comes and goes depending on meds and unknown factors.
    Anyway, just wishing you well. It's a lot of work when you have multiple health burdens. Take care.
  • 6 months ago

    RE: Finally reaching out

    Mr. Willis you are not alone. My depression and sexual abuse has caused a lot of my ill health. Yes it is hard to grin and bear it. At my age 74 you just don't completely get over sexual abuse from age 6 even going to doctors over the years.