• 2 months ago

    Sad

    At times I want to drive my car into a tree. I am so lonely and sad right now, no one understands how painful life is too live. My entire life has been one mess after another. I have even asked God why did he create me to live in this despair. There are worse things in life than death. I take my meds but that does no good and I can't trust anyone with the whole truth of me. So many times I have just wanted to die so it will be over with once and for all, no more pretending that life is going to get better for me,because it sure hasn't so far. Just empty and lonely,

Responses

  • 2 months ago

    RE: Sad

    Hello! YESSS....that's exactly how I felt...had a melt down...called uped hubby from work and asked please not tell me the combination to his gun safe - which he has just in case someone breaks into our house. All I could think was to just go to bed and shoot myself in the head and it would be over. Simple and Quick. Just go to sleep. I had other melt downs but not as bad. Depression meds help but not cure...counsel spchy therapy just makes it worse and especially with family involoved...I think having others like ...crazy like me ...who understand would help to talk and chat. I don't have any close friends or family to talk about my mental issues. I've suffered trichotillamania in the past since I was 12...thoughts of suicide off and on...mental illness seems to affect my everyday social life with anyone and drive my family crazy.
      • 1 month ago
        : Hello Crazy Sad, I know what you mean. There are things I haven't even been able to share with anyone because they just would not be able to understand, and it hard to live with all of the guilt and shame of being mentally ill, I didn't make myself like this the world did., there is so much I want to share but no one to share it with, with all of the childhood trauma, to neglect and abuse, not just from family but from others. To having panic attacks, to self less feelings, and worthlessness.. to not having the feelings that you matter at all.
      • Hi 56sad,

        You can talk to me...What kinda abuse? I’ve had growing up verbal and mental abuse from adoptive family growing up and beaten in public in front of neighbors with a belt. I accidentally squeezed with gloves holding the neighbors bird and killed it. At the time I was only 4 or 5 and did not know my own strength. After being beaten by a belt my mom gave my bike to the neighbors’s daughter for the dead bird. My mother put me debt $20,000 with 4 credit cards and wanted me to get a 5th one but by that time I realize I couldn’t trust her to pay off the credit cards and I said No she then walked with my baby son to my evening job and complained about me to my boss...she walked all 3 miles. I was a single parent back then and working 2 jobs and going to college. Broke and not enough to support my son and myself and not getting child support (couldn’t cuz forgot how to proper spell the fathers last name and he did not want nothing to do with our baby boy never saw him born). There’s more ..and I’ve been put down because I have selective hearing problems I can not seem to fix. I suffer from dyslexia, short term memory loss at times which affects my comprehension even though I have no learning disabilities. This slows me down and I my mind thinks faster then my mouth - no filter - and say things inappropriate or stupid or not make sense - indecisiveness - This irritates - embarrassing- aggravating my husband - doesn’t quite understand. I feel at times I am not intelligent as him and failure. He is a good husband and father and does not deserve me. Yet he keeps staying with me and still wants me. I just feel so wrong cuz I am 10 yrs younger and feel unintelligent like a child with him. He’s worldly experienced and I came from a controlling sheltered family so I don’t know a lot of things.

        You can vent and talk to me - hopefully we can help each other. Everyone needs someone who does understand and be there to talk. Ok?

        Yes you and I at times feel it would be better to just die - at times - so mentally tired of living cuz it’s so depressing. But I stare outside at the tree tops - swaying - calmly and actually look, hear, and think of nature close up - in a quiet peaceful place - makes me realize - there is still hope, Love, beauty, and good happy things In life and god is with us all - all the time - and we forget this. I pray talk to him (anywhere) and ask his help and to be honest he dose listen and responds in his own way you don’t realize it. At first I don’t believe in signs answers from god but now I do because a lot has happened that convinced me to believe in him. You have to “ask and you shall receive” you have to be sincere and honest and realistic. Ttyl & tc.
      • 1 month ago
        Let the past go! There is still a grip on you, weighing you down. Tell your mind, every minute, LET GO! AMEN!
  • 1 month ago

    RE: Sad

    Hi there. I wish I could give you a hug through the screen. It's important for you to know that you have resources. If you think you might need immediate help and cannot speak to a family member, a medical professional, or a member of the clergy, do not hesitate to call your local suicide hotline immediately or call 800-SUICIDE (800-784-2433) or 800-273-TALK (800-273-8255), or dial 911 immediately.

    Even though we've never met, we do care about you. I promise you that it's never too late. There is always hope for a better tomorrow. Please continue to check back in here whenever you need someone to talk to ((hugs)).
      • Hi Morgan
        Thank you for your advice and help. I am keeping the info nearby if it gets bad. I’m ok now ...depression under control...hubby came and helped me...stayed until I was stable...Till son came home and he told my son to watch me for awhile I don’t do anything crazy..both made me breakfast at 3 pm. I woke up late cuz family stayed up till 4 am family chatting at our house. I had locked my hubbies gun in safe box cuz it was under bed and I forgot the combination to the safe which was good. I usually take my meds in morning but I woke up very late kinda threw timing off. Dr said meds suppose to stay 24 hours in my system body but I think after 24 hours it wears off and depression comes back in full force. I still have some depression while on meds but they come and go and I can consintrate normally. I’ve read up on Major Depression and it has affected my work that I am constantly changing jobs every 2 or 3 years. Which does not help my self esteem. I realize the symptoms and educating my husband little at a time. I feel at times I don’t deserve him and not intelligent enough to keep him happy. I keep telling him this and that he needs a new wife. I get anxiety and start stuttering and sometimes dyslexic, and say things inappropriately that is stupid not make sense, or loss of memory information that was already given 2 hours or even 30 mins ago (short term memory loss at times) and selective hearing information loss at times that I can not seem to fix so I resort writing things down on paper a lot which people then thick I am slow comprehending Information. My mind does not have a filter to prevent what I am thinking and comes out my mouth wrong and embarrasses aggravating my hubby. I always say sorry for this a lot.
      • 1 month ago
        : A member of clergy, is a joke! Even those clergy members have hurt to the core of me, I have been to churches, or rather I say church clicks, I have tried that route also, but went after my daughter like she was nothing and pastor wife, told my daughter that I didn't go a good job at raising her. So you see there is no one to trust or that has your back but you and I am growing weary of the fight.
      • 1 month ago
        : Don't hope and no disappointment
      • 56sad,

        I don't go to church and I am catholic. I use to go but since the sexual scandal of cergy I don't go. My belief is the jest story of the bible is true but when it comes to certain religious restrictions and limitations I believe "Man" made most of it. So I decided to pray to god my way...anywhere peaceful...

        I did too tried to get help at the church and pschy drs...they didn't help....and "I am growing weary of the fight." Tired of it...mental illness.. depression, anxiety, worthlessness, being degraded, and just no help...

        56sad I am 46 years old and feel nobody realizes how it feels...to just don't want to be here...many times I've stated ..."I just want to go home" and it's not "home" here I'm talking about on earth. I still do say this when I'm tired of this life and want to die. But, 56sad you need to understand what mental illness you have...and look at yourself objectively...as a third person. Nobody can understand you the best except yourself. Evaluate yourself and read up on what kind of mental illness you have. I realize what I have....trichotillomania since I was 12 yrs old, anxiety, major depression, OCD, emotional eating disorder, overweight, heart disease, pre-diabetic, life long skin disorder uticara, and more....I got over trichotillomania but it has transfered into self skin picker harming myself which I am on the edge of overcoming now. I am working on emotional eating and losing weight. It's a constant fight and a failures along the way...not able to keep a job for long....not able to learn fast enough.....not intelligent enough....etc. I still stressed out and depressed still at different levels.... Highs and lows... and eat. Know the signs of your mental illness when it starts...sometimes ...I forget and don't realize is this "me" or my "mental illness". To me if feels the demon in me is "mental illness" trying to harm "me" who is totally different....and this demon takes over you when you least expected and you forget ....it's your condition.. demon... that you are stuck with for the rest of your life.

        56sad I have accepted that this is going to be weary, never ending, and tiring fight...we forget ,,. You and I know this.... You feel like you are alone and you forget YOU ARE NOT > There are others like you and me. Some with trauma, physical, verbal,mental, and PTSD. Post Trauma Stress Disorder. Some who are worse than you and I.....You know your problems and the only person who can FIX THIS....IS YOU. We don't want to hear it...We want to blame someone...the past..someone now...but it's only you (myself) who can change, control, beat the demon...the "mental illness" ...that's taken over us and affecting everyone around us and your family... you have to remind yourself of this...remind yourself why are you here....what is important...your family...you are here for your family.. thru the future....grandchildren...make it happen....make the bad and flip it...to something better..happier..happy now...don't live in the past...it's gone..way gone...I know the past memory bad ones will not go away...but you can change now....your child needs you and you are a good person...be there...My hubby said "you don't want to hurt your kids" if you kill yourself...and you don't want to hurt your husband by cheating death....I forget...what would it be the perception of my families eyes if I kill myself....everything will breakdown...everything...life will drastically change for the family....and yes lose everything ...with out me....my husband made me realize...yes he is right. If I did kill myself...everything we happy together around us will fall apart....

        so...as I said...you need to look at what's more important now...and fight thru this depression..that evil demon that constantly plagues us...mental illness is a *** at times...but I still have faith in God and love....and I wear my wedding ring on my left but I wear a nice real sterling silver designed incarnated ring with a small cross in the the middle to remind me....

        I know this is long...and may not agree...but I hope this helps...don't be afraid to talk to me ok?
      • 1 month ago
        I am in your boat, I struggle on a 'minute by minute' basis on self harm! No matter what is said here, I have my faith, I read,study talk. Bible study EVERYday just one verse ,with my mother. If for not my faith, I would have disappointed EVERYONE long a go. Was sexually abused from birth to age 16 by none other, than my father. Also my rock he protected me yet not from his sick ways. I read the book of JOB every time, on most days, to see how much worse life can be, he prevailed with God in his heart. Keep up with ANYTHING that will keep u safe. Husband of 28yrs is an ass at times but I married him for that reason and he is always there when needed! Praying for YOU!
      • 1 month ago
        : Hi, I have read and reread your post. But I have no idea where to even start, I am too scared of what will happen in my life. I can't trust anyone with the real me. I have been married to the same man for 26 years and he doesn't know all of me. I am so ashamed of who I am and the issues that I have. When it comes it comes racing towards me like a freight train! It becomes overwhelming. Three nights ago, I tried to overdose on meds but did take enough, so now I know for sure how much to take. Life sacres the hell out of me and I am so very tired of the fight! I am so messed up I am not sure there is any hope, to repair me, this has gone on so long.
      • Not sure if I am understanding you. If I have you correct I am worried. Are you okay and I mean right now?!?! Talking does help and we on here are anonymous so we can be truthful. Can I help. Do you need to talk? Please don’t do anything rash. There’s always hope and another day another sunrise. Please Hang tight
  • RE: Sad

    You’re breaking my heart ❤️ I want to reach out and hug you and hold your hand to tell you all is well. I know nothing about you but I know despair and you are hurting so much. Try just for a moment to get up and move. Call someone. Listen to music . Just for a moment. Hold on please don’t break my heart
  • 1 month ago

    RE: Sad

    Reading all of these stories hurts my heart.

    During my teens, I too went through depression. It was extremely difficult, especially since this was during the era of "Just throw a pill at him and it'll go away" as a method of "fixing" depression. The mid to late 90s. It was a time where I felt truly alone. Living with both parents and two younger sisters, I was anything but alone physically, but mentally I was isolated. I felt like an outcast from the entire planet. Like I didn't belong here. I wasn't supposed to be alive. That was the basic general feeling. I felt empty, lonely, and it got to the point where I was ready to commit to suicide. I knew how I would do it, where, with which tool, etc. I had it all planned out. All I had to do was go and get the tool.

    But after picturing myself carrying that out, I asked myself "What happens after that? Once I'm gone, what then?" And that question, probably saved my life. I got to thinking about the future. Someone would find me, knowing immediately what I'd done, and that someone would be either my mom or my sisters (who were 5 and 8 at the time). Once they found me, they'd have to wake up tomorrow knowing that their son / brother is gone. Then they'd have to take time off of work. They'd be devastated. Then the rest of my family would find out. How would they respond? I kept going through the timeline up to something like 50 years from now. One day I meet the one person that understands me and can relate to what I am going through. We fall in love, get married, have kids, and we live the dream life. It made me realize that while I'm feeling lonely, I'm not alone. It made me realize that there ARE people who care about me, even if my brain tells me no one does

    That's when I realized that this feeling was not what defines me. It's not who I am and I can be different. So I decided to change it. Thus began a LOOOOOONG road to self recovery. Upwards of about 10 years. I explored myself. I questioned myself. I scrutinized the negative thoughts. I basically identified that I feel a certain way, then questioned why I feel that way. If I felt good, why? If I felt bad, why? If I felt indifferent, why? Over time, these questions helped me to identify triggers and patterns in my emotions relating to my surroundings and the events leading up to it. Just this part of the process took a few years to get through.

    After those few years, I learned to identify ways of curbing the bad feelings into something less depressing or maybe, on those rare lucky occasions, eliminate them for a short time altogether. Eventually it becomes second nature. A thought process that naturally occurs in which I can get past the hump of depression. It allowed me to "partition" (for lack of a better term) the depressive part of my mind away from the real part of my mind. It's now 20 years later and I STILL use these coping mechanisms to deal with the depression. I still identify when I'm going to that side of my mind, sometimes I catch myself when I've been there for 5 minutes, sometimes it takes a whole week to realize that I'm there. But I identify it eventually, and I start the process of getting past it.

    Today, I'm 35, and in two weeks, I'll be getting married to the most amazing person who understands me and can relate to what I'm going through... exactly as I had imagined on that day that I almost lost it all.

    This isn't to say that my path was the path you should take, but I also found that pills and pshychs didn't help. they didn't do anything to fix it, only to mask it. And that wasn't going to be enough. Find your path. It's there. You just have to take the time to look for it. Talking to others who are or have gone through it might help to identify something that works for you. If you're an analyst like myself, this method might work. If you're not, it might not.

    The key for me is to create a series of thoughts when I find myself in situations where I might fall into those traps again. I'm depressed because this happened... Ok, well tomorrow will that matter? How about a year from now? Will it matter then? If not, then why am I so worked up over it? Move on to something more important.

    Sidenote: If you're taking medication and you still feel depressed, it's the wrong medication. There are I think 12 different types of medication that might work. If the first one doesn't work, try another one. It takes time and it won't be a speedy fix at all. I'm now on medication to make it easier to cope, but that was after about 6 months of trial and error.
      • 1 month ago
        You're awesome to openly explaining your situation. Congratulations on your nuptials. It takes hard work but if you want that BEST friend you may need to push you in wheelchair or visa versa later in life... Marriage IS the answer! I have been on some sort of antidepressant sinceI was 12. This is first time, over a year now, without it. I'm 53 this week! Antidepressants are NOT made for LONG TERM use. After 10+ years of therapy I weened myself off. Now I still get depressed but off 300mgs of liver/kidney killer. I've never FELT so much in my life. It's a good thing, to feel! Amen to you
      • 1 month ago
        Well happy early birthday!

        I like to share my story. Many people look at their stories of depression as a shameful part of their past. It's not. And by sharing I'm hoping that people can learn that there's nothing wrong with them, it's ok to have depression, its a struggle that many people deal with and that they can get through it. If that helps only 1 person, then it's worth it.
      • Hi lindadeel2, thantos, 56sad:

        It's nice to hear other people's experiences and to be able to talk about it.

        I tried to ween myself off Bupropion but my depression came back full force. I had to go back on it. I can tell the huge difference - very critical of myself, felt like a failure, depressed I can't talk right, unintelligent, worthless, can't stop crying, headaches,etc. ...so I can't be off it...I don't think I can...at the moment...if I stay off of the meds ...I start hearing voices in my head confusing me and can't focus...my mind is all over the place...a big huge hot mess....I can't keep things straight...can't have a normal conversation without going off in a tangent....my husband knows this...I'm crazy...and I'm a total different person on my meds.

        My primary doctor prescribed me prozac in addition to my antidepressant. It's suppose to help control my anxiety on a daily basis. I was taking 1/2 tab Klonopin as prn (as needed) and started using it daily since my anxiety seemes to come daily I noticed as I am getting older. He told me to stop taking Klonopin and start prozac instead. It has calmed anxiety down now.

        On top of Major Depression and Anxiety, I also suffer from RLS (Restless Leg Syndrome) and take Ropinirole before I go to bed. If I don't take the med I'd be up ALL NIGHT and EVERY NIGHT...smacking my freakin limp that is restless and won't settle down...it feels like 10 times the feeling of hitting your funny bone...and it doesn't go away! It's VERY IRRITATING .....Like your limb or body part has a mind of it's own. I resorted to taking 3 tabs daily only. I do take it one tab early if its starts up early before I go to bed. Just last Sat I went out with my hubby to a bar late and at around 11 pm... my left leg started getting that feeling again and I started messaging it ...standing on it....walking, hitting it, and shaking it....My fidgetting.....I probably looked rediculous from the vew point of others. Finally I took one tab of Ropinirole...I try not to take it early beacuse it does make me drowsy - sleepy ....and I'm always the designated driver between my hubby and I...I don't drink. Three tabs knocks me out - so my hubby says...

        My trichotillomania behavior has evolved to to rubbing and scratching causing blisters and skid burns wounds along my forearms. It got pretty bad last month but now has somewhat almost completly healed now. My hubby doesn't understand why I want to hurt myself. I don't know why either but I think it's has to do with my depression. I have a high tolerance for pain. My trichotillomania is completely gone and I think...so far.. scratching and picking my arms is starting to subside... last summer it happened my right arm got infected and had to be on antibiotics. It healed and the problem happened last month and now is subsiding. I have resorted to wearing long sleeve shirts. I've been making sure I lotion up my arms good (whole body) and drinking a lot of water due to extremely severly dry skin. It's embarrassing that I now have scars ...some permanent now...I think...I've been trying to focusing future goals...concentrate on losing weight by March 2018 Vacation to Mexico Rivera Maya - Grand Sunset Princess Resort - Going scuba diving in wet suits overweight is not a pretty sight -_- ......and ...like help find my hubby a used personal car since I I will be working 2nd shift will leave him stranded at home without a car...

        My husband has been very supportive of me...and at times I drive him crazy.....to the point he gets upset and start spewing all by bad characteristics about me ...and past experiences...which that just makes me more depresssed...even on the meds...and I've told him this...doesn't help me...he's backed off a lot on this....He's awesome husband ...he's supported me and still trying to fix my problems...he use to be a US Army 82ndairborne paratrooper staff sergeant...and is VERY good reading and figuring out people....he blames my problems on my adoptive parents....past experiences....he agrees with Pschy doctors it's PTSD.....I realize ......sometimes for some people ... you can let go of the past.....others you can't ...you can't erase the bad memories no mattter how much you cover it up... pretend it don't exist.....or try to forget.....for some.. it's part of you forever....
      • lindadeel2 - Happy 53rd Birthday! Hope you went partying and celebrated! :D Best Wishes & take care!
      • 1 month ago
        crazy_sad_tatas ,

        Instead of trying to forget the past, because it won't happen, could you try to embrace it and change your perspective? Instead of seeing what happened with your adoptive parents as a traumatic experience, use it as an example of your strength? Instead of saying "This happened to me" say "I survived this, got married to an awesome guy and I turned into a total bad a**". Think about swallowing a big vitamin. Holding it and swallowing it sideways, it will go down but it might be a bit painful. But changing your perspective of the vitamin, turning it 90 degrees so that it goes down straight means you still swallow the pill, but it's much easier and far less painful.

        Not sure if this strategy applies to you, or if you are even looking for advice, but... there it is.
      • 1 month ago
        To funny! Great annology I take 16 meds and 5 supplements all at once...
        All I have to do is look up when I swallow! Just like life!!!
        Peace!
      • 1 month ago
        Thursday night birthday SACRAMENTO KINGS game! No party having tooth pulled Fri! but sedation dentist, Worth the extra co pay!
      • Hi thantos _

        My husband said the same thing....and he says encourages and reminds me at times that I'm doing a LOT better than my brother and sister from the adoptive family. He says they are in their late 40s not married, no assets except a car - they rent a room, no children - he says because they have social issues that my parents lack to teach and guide us growing up. My sons are their ONLY grandchildren. He tells me I'm a a lot better than his mother (who he has written off not to EVER talk to cuz she's CRAZY too) and his ex-wife. He tells me I'm doing a lot better now....I have an associates degree in both certified Medical Assisting and Pharmacy Technician, and I'm certified phlebotomist. Now working at a correctional facility for the state with awsome pay and benefits. He tells me I am smart just with extremely passive low self esteem. You think... me in the medical field would know how to handle my major depression. I do great at work and taking care of others... but when it comes to taking care of myself ...I guess it's difficult - my husband says he doesn't understand why I want to destroy myself or hurt myself....I don't... I tried to explain...it's hard to explain about this other side of me that is a demon inside....that is ugly, evil, and wants me to fail..hurt me...laughs at me....and don't think at times...nobody understands this when I explain it this way. The meds help ..drug this demon...it's temporary...and I'm able to concentrate and heal. It comes and goes but doesn't get rid of it..

        I tried.... "Instead of seeing what happened with your adoptive parents as a traumatic experience, use it as an example of your strength? Instead of saying "This happened to me" say "I survived this, got married to an awesome guy and I turned into a total bad a**"...I appreciate your help. It doesn't work. I've tried redirecting my bad behavior reconditioning to a better healthier behavior but it doesn't quite work either....but I still trying to do this....going try oil painting and sketching again ...which my husband says I have great talent in (I've stopped a long time ago because it showed a lot how I felt inside and people started looking at my paintings and drawings as great art but something else too - mental issues which I didn't realize this till they said something)...My husband says I should publish a book with pictures for children....(sure ..coming from a crazy mentally issued person...right?) My husband says that's a great idea...I've been thinking about doing it ...just not sure what story to start with....

        I have my faith in god and family which I keep reminding myself ...to not give up...and everyone on earth has a purpose with which we have to complete before we die...we just can't see the whole purpose until it's complete...I feel god sent my husband to help me in this battle...and I was sent to be with him as a life long campanion...just feels this way...
        And NO ...he said he'll hire a CNA to take care of me when I'm old...he doesn't have guts to handle things like ..taking care of old people personally...but I tell him I do ....and I've been a CNA..and I can take care of him...no problem when he gets old....he's a big wuzzzzzzzsss! (Big Strong Army guy can't take care of an old lady...really?) LMAO.
      • 1 month ago
        The reconditioned life I've realized if the abuse of an infant, to a time LSD gave me strength, imagine, at this time I have to say, I would not be WHO I AM today, if I did not go thru what I would never wish on an enemy! My only downfall now, is being so isolated, It's no wonder I'm into bird calling. It's the only thing I have to talk to durning day. Hubby retiring 11 months from now, just bought ram3500 to tow fifth wheel, can't wait to travel. He's seen every state park in US but not me. God's given me the strength to survive, I will not stop now! Amen to u, Peace!
      • 1 month ago
        So here's something to think about... a great many comedian are severely depressed. One of my favorites, Patton Oswalt, actually makes it a part of his routine. He puts it in the spotlight and makes jokes about it. In one of his bits, he relates forgetting to take his medication to a dog watching his owner putting on his shoes. And how each consecutive day is like a series of events that leads up to the owner taking the dog for a walk. Its a funny bit, but the point is that he has an outlet. Perhaps art is yours. Maybe there are pieces you create and never show anyone, or even destroy when its done. It lets you feel it and express it, let it out. Its a safe way to just go nuts without having to worry about what other people think and without having other people know.

        Just a thought. Unfortunately, I can't relate as I've never struggled with that, I just know people need to talk or express negative feelings and emotions otherwise they bottle it up, and like a 2 litre bottle of coke, will expand and stretch until they can't anymore and then explode. Maybe this doesn't work for you, but it does for most.

        One other thing... who cares what others think about your art? Without understanding the "mental issues" that you deal with, they'll never be able to understand what you sketch and paint. So instead of doing what they expect of you, do whay you feel. Instead of making everyone else happy, make yourself happy.
      • I've got to get my meds now asap....I'm off work today ...and slept in a bit...and feel this overwhelming sadness slowly creep up...

        It's easy to say who cares what others think....it's kinda difficult to do...in a way...I've been under overprotective controlling parents ..well adoptive mom...(which my husband relates me as "Cinderella") ...shut off from experiencing the world. When I got married ...I was in pretty bad shape...now my husband has been challeging me to overcome my fears...each step at a time....I was afraid to do and try anything for fear of failure and getting hurt...and once exposed to the world I was paranoid what others think or do....I was afraid of men...cuz my mom would tell me bad things regarding men....I got paranoid being near men...it was pretty bad...till I met my hubby....he got angry and upset toward my adoptive parents once he saw the evidence of what was happening to me...and took me away from that "hell hole" so he calls it...my family. I've overcome a lot of fears along our marriage of 18 yrs now....now he wants me to over come sharks...wants to go scuba diving with the sharks two years after we get our scuba diving certifications...I'm nervous regarding the lessons...fear of panicing underwater....then drowning...my hubby said I should be a natural at it since I was an island girl.... I told him I WAS AMERICANIZED since I was 1 year old! So this may not be the true....I didn't have problems with the introduction dive...hubby said...It seems natural for me....but my son did...couldn't clear his ears going down so he was halfway down stuck for 20mins trying to clear his ears...

        Anyway, back then I was easily gullible and now have learned a lot since then...

        You were right ...I did destroy my paintings ...thinking of destroying the artwork would help...it didn't... I gave my paintings away in high school which other students didn't want me to throw away...they wanted to keep it for themselves and english teacher took a scketch and locked in a cabinet in his classroom...but I should have kept them anyway...I got a free college scholarship when I was 8 years old to a college art which the instructor there was impressed regarding my scketches of people, animals, and plants....and used them as an example to the class...the class seem more interested in comic hero drawings...I was able to go to this art class only because the elementary art teacher saw my paintigs at show & tell and was impressed..wanted to borrow them ...for what I didn't know at the time...but was afraid to ever ask questions at the time...later found out she talked to a college art mainstructor.

        I will try to spend some time painting and drawing...it's so been a long time...

        I still don't know why my husband is with me....I've caused him so much stress...too...I still believe he would be better off with someone less....mantainance. With my problems, and I am no longer a trichotillomaniac...I am having female pattern baldness now...just when I thought my hair will grow fine! I wear a topper which my husband states is just fine...(he doesn't have hair - he's bald - but its ok for men - not women). Early silvery grey hair which I have to dye every month. .... I just feel...he would be a lot happier with a woman who is normal with no mental issues or behavior problems.

        He's told me ...he wants me...and don't want to ever talk about this again...but I still think he'd be happier with someone else....someone with no scars all over their body and slimmer - level headed and as intellegent as him to debate on topics of any issues....
      • 1 month ago
        He legitimately doesn't want to be with someone else. He loves you and that's it. My fiancee says the same thing about me. "You're so handsome and amazing, and I have so many problems. I don't know why you're with me." And the truth is, there are so many beautiful things about her that she just doesn't see, that I do. She's told me stories about her past relationships with her parents and a few boyfriends and the type of person she gravitates towards. None of them are good for her. They were either so self absorbed that they rarely (if ever) focused on her and gave her the attention she needed, or they were so self absorbed that they completely relied on her to live day to day. This was her entire 27 years in a nutshell.

        Then she met me. I'm employed, had my own place without roommates, a car (which I'll be honest, I was quite astonished with how many women put that as a desirable trait in a man for their online dating profile) and when she came over to my place for the first time, it was clean, I had real food in the refrigerator, and of course, beer. I had a couch and a comfy chair, an actual dining room set, a queen bed with matching dresser and nightstands... She walked into my place knowing that I have my life together. I am, without a doubt, a perfect catch for someone who is looking for stability. Someone who she has never really had in her life. Prior to that, she had no idea what a real relationship was. Then I told her what I was looking for. I said "I'm not looking for just anyone. I'm not looking for someone to need or for someone that will need me. I'm looking for someone that I want. I'm looking for someone that wants me. I don't need someone to "complete me" since I'm already complete and I don't want to complete someone else. I want us both to be 100%, and I want us to become two complete people who walk hand in hand to support each other and help conquer those struggles in the future. I don't want a 50/50 relationship. I want a 100/100 relationship." And she's that person. She focuses on the few negative things about herself and makes her opinions about herself based on those. She thinks she's always depressed and anxious and upset and mean to me and she doesn't do anything to help keep the house clean... when the truth is, she's an amazing person who cares about everyone else except herself and does so much good everyday as a doctor to help people who really need it. She does so many good things throughout the day that the fact that I did the dishes again, or I threw a load of laundry in the washer is a major negative aspect about herself. She was so used to being the one to have two or three jobs then have to come home and cook dinner and clean the house. She feels guilty because I do all the housework. But she shouldn't. I don't do it to make her feel guilty. I don't do it to make her happy with me. I do it for three reasons. 1) I have the time to do it. 2) I wake up with her but don't have to leave for another 3 hours, so it gives me something to do and it helps me have a happier day knowing that when I get to work, as I sit down in the chair, I've already accomplished something. and 3) It needs to be done. It doesn't matter who does it, it needs to be done.

        Why am I telling you this? For a variety of reasons. First, to show you that just because you see yourself one way, doesn't mean your husband sees you that way. Your husband sees the many other amazing aspects of you that you subconsciously can't acknowledge and appreciate. Second, the past relationships you had, whether it was with romantic or family, or any other relationships, are no indication of the current relationship. Everyone in her life was so out of touch with her needs that she learned that she was the only one to take care of herself. Now she's in a relationship with someone who appreciates her just as much as she appreciates herself and it's a weird feeling for her. Third, you have to trust that your husband loves you for you. That's the reason he's with you. He knows, or at least appreciates your struggles, and he stays because he wants to help you succeed. He wants to see you become a better you. He wants to be there, to support you and guide you, to help you where you fail, and celebrate where you succeed. He doesn't want to be there just for the good parts. He wants to be there for all of the parts. Bad, good, sad, happy, failure and success. I know it's a weird feeling, but he truly does love you and wants to be with you.
      • Thank you for explaining his vew....I just feel he deserves a better woman than me...and crazy me tend to say things without thinking...don't have a filter in my head....that embarresses him or insults him...and don't why I say things that would after I've said it.....he's told me if he leaves me I'd probably get worse not better and destroy myself..hurting myself worse...he calls and checks up on me everyday just to see what I'm doing and tells me something funny on facebook or youtube he saw or what happen at work with his "boy-friends" bothering him. He can fix anything in the house...heating and cooling ventilation to refrigeration...not everything..he couldn't fix the dishwasher after 8 hours cutting and rewiring then he asks me to call someone to fix it...is he crazy...he knows you can't do that after he messed with it!...I told him he's going to have to buy me a new one...I'm lucky to have someone who can do this...he clutters and helps cook and pick up...but I generally keep the house clean and take care of the family and two mini dauschunds....he has a good job that provides work truck, uniforms, tools, smart phone and laptop...pretty much everything and gets paid twice my pay ...sometimes just to drive 3 or 4 hours one way to a job sight. He likes to tease me showing his pay check to me and that pisses me off because I can't earn as much as him and get what he has....grrr...I'm in the wrong work field...

        He has said he's tried every way to make life easy for me...provided everything I wanted and needed...spoiled you may say now...and I appreciate it a lot and he doesn't need to do this...but he does complain that I don't make it easy for him...I tried to buy tools that would make it easy on him at work and he says take it back I don't need it or that isn't a good tool...I'd buy clothes but he doesn't like them and have take them back...he doesn't like surprise parties for his birthdays....I've cooked dinner almost every night...sometimes it's healthy choice meals.....I make sure all his clothes are clean especially his work close....I don't know what else to give back to make it easy for him...that he appreciates ...and I've asked him to tell me what I can do...and ..he doesn't say anything...(except -_- blowjob would be nice....really? Men ....all you guys think of...) Sex is important to him but not on my list and he doesn't seem to understand that.

        and he's told me "You make it hard for me to love you". I don't understand this statement...then why stay??

        I met my hubby over the singles line...back then it was phone mail boxes set up and you listen to descriptions of themselves and if you like what you heard leave a your name and phone number....I had over 3,000 replies that my friend and I listened and deleted ...except 4...1.) Marine who just wanted me to bring girls for his buddies - he's gone 2.) Building Contractor - didn't click - he's gone 3.) Navy Corpsman - divorced with a 10 yr old daughter - he's decided to wait and get out of the navy then try to have another relationship - didn't know how long that will take - he's out 4.) My husband Ex-Vet US Army - he was out for awhile and had his own townhouse, furniture, car, etc..like you had...he didn't like where I was living at the time and was afraid my mother will stop me fromm seeing him..so he asked me to move in with him...but I was a single parent at the time and didn't want my 5 year old son to think it was ok to shack up with a guy and I didn't want to be a problem him...and wasn't sure if he was good with kids...he kept saying he was...then he took my son I out to dinner and movies Wizard of Oz....later that night my mom called told me to be home before 10 p.m. when I was 28 yrs old...I didn't know at the time...my husband went out that same day and bought and wedding ring and he popped the question of marriage after dinner at his house....I was kinda numb...and didn't know what to say...I didn't know if I loved this man or not...How do you know?....I did not want him to think I used him to get out of a bad situation...He kept insisting he's always wanted a son of his own (had to borrow friend's kids to do stuff with) and he'd adopt my son...He just told me promise I won't ever leave him...and I told him ...I can't promise I don't know what will happen int he future....I tried to leave him couple times because of my mental issues and finacial problems but he finally persuaded me to get married and adopt my son...we got married at the Candlelight Wedding Chappel across Circus Cirus. :) ...I did try to tell him my issues trichotillomania but he said not to tell him we'll get thru it together just don't ruin it right now...but it wasn't fair not to tell him....
  • 1 month ago

    RE: Sad

    We're all on this planet for a reason. You included! Reading your post and the number of replies here gives me pause. Know that you're special, needed, and important.

    And thanks to the many who have joined the conversation. You're an encouragement to me.