• 2 months ago

    We've been here before. Kinda...

    My life has been a nightmare since I came into this world it seems. I've (more than) struggled with my mental and emotional well being since I was 7. It started off as the (too often) misdiagnosed ADHD. Depression was later on added on to what seems now to be a never ending list of diagnosis'. From there Bipolar 2 was added. And then Anxiety Disorder, which was specified as PTSD at a later date. Lastly, Borderline Personality Disorder was put at the bottom to end the list. The number hospitalizations were overwhelming, the first at when I was just 12. Cutting and attempted suicide were both severe issues. The Medication changes got out of control. The places I was sent to became overwhelming. The worst was Midwest Academy located in Keokuk Iowa for falsely imprisoning "students", but other things happened there too. Luckily, I had only been in a cell for months on end and none of the other terrific events had taken place while I was there. (Its all on Google.)
    Well, now I am 18. Ive been 'fine' for the most part. But now, I am growing concerned. I used to eat a lot. Of course my weight fluctuated quite a bit throughout my years of being on medication. Currently, I am at 235 lbs and I am only 4'11. Three months ago, I weight 278 lbs.
    This wouldnt have brought up any concerns had it not been for how i have been feeling. I still live with my dad. Every single morning, he does his best to make breakfast. But he is 95. Yes NINETY FIVE YEARS OLD. He still drives, ect. Gets around wonderfully. So, he doesnt always feel the best which is understandable. Ive been extremely stressed though. I was in Job Corps not too long ago and I didnt eat breakfast or dinner because during the times that they were served, I just wasnt hungry. If I eat and im not hungry, I will get really sick and sometimes (but not all) I will throw it back up. I only ate lunch and I binge ate during that time. But recently, before I came home for good, i noticed that i just wasnt hungry anymore. It was as if I just couldnt eat. I strongly believe that if I wasnt supposed to take medicine after lunch and needed food to take it with, I wouldnt have eaten lunch at all. Now that i am at home, I dont want to eat even though I do. Its almost like if i have to prepare it, i wont eat. And if its apart of foods im just sick of, i wont eat it either. Chicken, noodles (pasta in general), stew, soup, hamburgers, french fries, bread, sweets, meat, cereals, juices, fish, the list goes on. I just dont want to eat. I feel like it may be more psychological than anything but I dont know what it is. At one time, i was diagnosed with a binge eating disorder, but now, im highly confused. Is it stress or whats going on with me?