• 5 months ago

    Bipolar but also on medication

    At work - I find that because they know about my sickness (bipolar but also on medication)- im a typical walk over - I can get scared to air my opinion or if I don't like something in fear of hurting the other persons feelings and I sometimes wish I had that tenacity like other people do and that I wasn't such a wimp. Days are different, but if I speak up for myself I tend to come out as harsh and find that im am always misunderstood, I feel emotionally week, I feel inferior sometimes like im not strong enough or stable enough like other people. I get angry at this and want to be by myself.
    Socially - I don't trust anyone, I let people tell me their problems but when I have a dilemma I would rather speak to my boyfriend (of five years - the longest relationship ive ever had), or I call a national help line of counselors - I find that im lonely most of the time and have no way of changing and trusting people - id rather do house chores - take care of my son or my family or watch tv or even read a book, go for a drive, travel longer distance, that soothes me but I miss friends and having someone to talk to that I can fully trust - because I hide my emotions friends I make tend to think I never have problems or that I am really strong so I cannot find anyone to give me the attention I need when it comes to friends - except my partner of course, so I sometimes feel for him and wonder if he is coping you know, with me and my mood swings, isolation...bla bla bla....when im in a happy mood and feeling calm everyone at home is happy, when im quiet and reserved, everyone walks on egg shells around - that makes me feel really bad about myself so I would understand why some people feel suicidal - imagine people who love you, fear you at the same time, that hurts really bad, way deep and today im not having such a good day.