• 20 days ago

    i need help

    So i have a lot to cover here. I have ADHD and anxiety along with depression (not a good combow BTW) my ADHD makes it so im like really frickin annoying and then people tell jokes when I say something like "oh, im annoying," they always say, "yeah you are" and then my anxiety kicks in and can't decipher whether or not they are kidding and finally decides that they arent and im an annoying **** so then my depression takes over and makes me feel alone and like there's no one to talk to.. so yeah. Also, a couple of weeks ago, i got into a fight with my mom. Even though she was just trying to help me. And i locked myself in the bathroom (along with the key) so that i could get away from her and i cut myself even though i know i shouldn't have and i regret it. Thn, i put on a long sleeve shirt and bandaids because my parents are already worried enough as-is so i didn't want to worry them more. So then, those bandaids fell off and i put on one bandaid. That bandaid was on there for a couple days, so when i finally took it off, it was itchy, and then it turned into an allergy rash. Does anyone know what i could be allergic to in the bandaid?
    This morning also might have been one of the hardest for me so far. A boy at my school, tragically killed himself late last night. Our principal said the announcement, and he never does the announcements so we knew something was wrong. As soon as he said the name of the person, my friend collapsed on the floor screaming and crying. I thought I was going to throw up. It was horrible to witness her having a friend so mentally disabled that this happens. And, I hope she and everyone else can get through this tough time, but seeing my friend screaming because of what had happened was a sight that is engraved in my mind. I mean, her friend just died, but it was so sad and just knowing that there is nothing i can do is horrible. So, i spent the entire day consoling my friends and staying strong until i got home. three of my friends went home but in the halls and in my classes there were people laughing. not at what had happened but at their own jokes. and it might sound mean, but all i could think was 'how dare they laugh when a person has just killed themselves' and a i wanted to scream because i wondered what wouldve happened if id listened t that little voice in my head telling me to kill myself. And i wondered if it wouldve been like this. and i wondered if anyone wouldve cried for me. and other than my parents and maybe two or three of my closest friends, i cant think of anyone that would. one of the teachers, i heard, ran out of his class crying because he was so close to the student. I feel so bad and it really makes me realize that there are bigger problems than trumps impeachment that we should be worrying about. that our government could be worrying about. and it makes you realize, y'know, that you cant see every disability. Some disabilities are invisible. And people with invisible disabilities sometimes need more help than those with physical or "seeable" disabilities.
    On a slightly lighter, but way more maddening note, i got told a couple days ago that depression doesn't exist. that we are all just 'making it up and we need to stop pretending' i bet the girl who said that is rethinking her word now. I mean sure, some people say they have depression for attention. But that doesn't mean that it doesn't exist. And you shouldnt nullify others feelings just because one person is faking it. Because more often than not, they have problems.

    Also, this week in general is really stressful and im falling behind in my classes and i cant get fs i really cant because then i wont pass english and i wont graduate on time. so yay. and right now im having a mental breakdowns and seeing what other peoples mental breakdowns are just to remind myself, hey its not as bad as them to make me feel better but its not really working and because this is basically anonymous, im using it as a diary. Basically writing down everything that i see as 'wrong' with my life and putting it on here for the entire internet to see because lord knows thats a good idea. (not) and i get so angry somethimes i want to hurt someone but i kno that i cant but i still want to you know. Is it normal to want to hurt someone? (no one in particular just SOMEONE) Is it normal to want that even when you just saw someone bend over and even when you were just almost sick because a classmate killed themselves and you are so fed up with everything in your life already, and its already so stressful that now that this happened you just feel like crap. Is it normal? I need to know. Because I need to go to group therapy because the therapist i have now doesnt exactly fit what i need and i think group therapy would help. And i need to say that because i dont know what to talk about in group therapy.

    Oh also im a teachers pet even though im failing im like really smart still so im a teachers pet and everyone hates me for that. They dont think i notice the eyerolls. But i do and it hurts because they dont know how much it hurts. and we are all just a bunch of teenagers that only think about ourselves, not about other people, and it seems like my friend and i are the only ones who care about others. We dont eyeroll anyone other than our parents. And we arent disrespectful. And we are quiet most of the time and we do our work most of the time and this is our payment for being smart. this. of all things. why is being a nerd bad? why is being a teachers pet bad?

    If someone could answer some or all of my questions that would be so helpful and if you read through this entire thing you are a trooper and god bless you *heart emoji**heart emoji**heart emoji**heart emoji**heart emoji**heart emoji**heart emoji**heart emoji*