• 20 days ago

    I'm confused

    I've struggled with depression and anxiety for about 4 years, but this past year my social anxiety has gotten really really bad. I'm in a band and I absolutely love playing music and used to love performing but now whenever I'm at a gig I get so anxious that I get suicidal and think about how I could end it all in order to get out of there. My anxiety has been very very bad for about 3 weeks, and I'm so frustrated because I want it to just get better but all of the meds I've tried help a little but not enough, even if I take a lot.
    The thing that caused me to write this though sounds really crazy, but bear with me.
    Last tuesday I was in my room (this was around 10pm) and i started to see breathing effects and things moving in the corner of my eye. I went to the bathroom and while i was in there I heard my little brother saying to my mom "whats taking her so long" so I decided to leave the bathroom so he could go and when i opened the door there was no one there, and my brothers door was closed and my mom was asleep downstairs. This freaked me out so i sped walked to my room and i stood in my doorway and looked back at the bathroom to see if he was in a spot i couldnt see or something, and i saw the bathroom door jerk like it was closing a little bit, and then stop and then do it again (wasn't like a door normally closes was it was abrupt). I was terrified and i closed my door and jumped into my bed and was sitting there freaking out and i looked around my room and i started having more intense visuals like i had taken a tab of acid, and i got extremely paranoid because i thought people were watching me. I started facetiming my boyfriend once it became super intense and terrifying, and he couldn't make me feel better i was acting not like myself at all, i was paranoid and socially awkward when i was talking to him bcause i didnt really know how to act normal. I kept getting up to arrange stuff in my room and then would get scared and jump into my bed again. Then i heard my dad knock on my door and say "grace, open the door". I suspected it wasnt real but wanted to make sure so i opened it and again, no one there. Throughout this entire thing i heard people walking up the stairs and a couple times heard my dad say stuff but it wasnt loud and i couldnt really understand what it was. I also started hearing police sirens and i became convinced they were coming for me but tried to talk myself out of that thought but i couldnt and the sirens kept getting louder and louder until it felt like it was in my ear and then it stopped. I continued to be very paranoid for about an hour and a half and i remembered that i had a xanax in my purse (i buy them occassionally but dont use them all the time, use them once or twice a week for anxiety bc thats the only thing that helps atm). I took it and my body stopped physically panicking but i was still just kinda delusional. Then the hallucinations became more intense visually. I looked to my right and saw thick black spiders all floating closely together and they were kinda rotating in a circle. apparently i also said that there were bugs around me (I don't remember this but my boyfriend did and told me the next day). then i looked to my right again and they were still there and i looked at my closet door (its right next to the right of my bed) and i saw a big black and yellow spider, and in my head i thought that it was a friendly spider so i kept staring at it and watched it kinda sit there and move around a tiny bit. after that i stopped paying attention to all the bugs i was seeing and was looking at my boyfriend on facetime on my computer and suddenly all around the computer and me became this weird blue fog that i couldnt really see through. thats all i can remember right now about that but it was a lot of stuff. i didnt have anything as big as that after but the next couple of days id have a couple seconds where id see the pattern on the floor or wall kinda moving, and one time i looked at my school counselor and for a second he looked like an old man/like his face was kinda sagging and so i looked away and i looked back and he looked normal. that friday i had a psychiatrist appointment and at the beginning of it my mom went in to talk to her for like 15min and during that time i went to the bathroom and i started to get super paranoid and weird smallish visuals, and i felt like i wasnt really there like my mind wasnt connected to anything happening. my psychiatrist did nothing abt this she just wrote it down and that was that. i told my therapist about it yesterday and she said shes been seeing symptoms of bipolar in me for a while and that that could possibly be linked (im not officially diagnosed though so im not sure if i actually am). Today is wednesday, a week and one day from the first big episode. I was in my last class and i started to get paranoid and feeling the way i did when the hallucinations/disassociation would start, and i started to disassociate which is super stressful bc i was in a class and i didnt want anyone to notice anything was weird with me but i couldnt stop shaking and then just started feeling anxious and paranoid and numb all at once. after class i walked to my car and was super paranoid the whole time i was walking so i was trying to walk really fast, once i got in my car i sat down and tried to just wait it out bc i didnt wanna drive in that state. while i was sitting there i had about 45sec where i felt the seat morphing just kinda getting big then smaller and i felt like it was moving me and i got a little dizzy and then it just kinda stopped feeling like that. it took me about 15min after that before i could be completely fine to drive. so the whole episode today lasted about 30-45min. im just stressed because i have no idea what is going on with me. i feel like im crazy and when i talk to people abt it i feel like they think that im crazy or that im lying to get attention idk. it just sucks. does anyone know what this could be? i read about schizophrenia and ive had a lot of those symptoms but it only happens in episodes so idk if that could be it. im just stressed about it, it's really freaked me out.


  • 20 days ago

    RE: I'm confused

    Listen, im not a doctor whatsoever, but im pretty sure seeing things isn't normal. Although, the whole episodes thing is familiar to me. I get episodes, too. My depression comes and goes. If you really do get too frightened of your delusions, make sure to tell a friend or your primary doctor as soon as possible to get that checked out. (if you trust them enough) I personally couldnt handle the mental stress of what you are going through so its good that you can talk about it. But, please, no matter what happens, remember, there's always people who love you so NOTHING is worth hurting yourself over. If not done correctly, self harm can cause real damage, so while you are having these delusions, stay safe... <3<3
  • 19 days ago

    RE: I'm confused

    Hi - how long have you been seeing your Psychiatrist? If you just started with her, ok, but if you've been seeing her for at least 6 months and beyond, then for her to not do or say anything to you when you told her about your episodes doesn't sound very good. The next time you see her, you might want to ask her questions like "what is going on with me?" "What can you do to help?" and things like that. If you have questions or concerns on your mind when you see her, you need to find a way to present them to her. If you don't feel comfortable telling her verbally, then write it down. However you choose doesn't matter, but that you do it is important for your well-being. If you don't believe that she's helping you - i.e. being clear with you about what you are experiencing, being proactive about trying diff meds until you guys find one(s) that work, and making sure that you are comfortable with the paCe you are moving forward - but if that's not going on and you've been there long enough that it should be, then you have every right to change doctors. There's no point in staying with someone if they are not helping you. If you are not able to talk with your Psychiatrist about what you shared in your post and her be able to clearly explain to you what all of that means, then either you need to start explaining to her exactly what's been going on with you without missing any detail so that she can respond - or find someone else that you can talk with . The relationship between your Psychiatrist and your Therapist has to be like a partnership - meaning, they can't fully do their jobs if you are not giving them all the information they need to work with. Be your best advocate! Be willing to do whatever it takes to find healing and stability in your life, and that means being proactive - it means not waiting for the doctor to tell you something, but you ask - it means choosing to be honest and truthful with your therapist at all times as it applies to your therapy so that she can help you in those areas.

    As hard as it sometimes can be, try to speak up to your Psychiatrist and Therapist (or any doctor, for that matter) for the purpose of your mental health. I don't mean to be disrespectful, but when you have questions in your head - ask them - when you don't understand something they said - ask for clarification - when you don't agree with something said - let them know and explain why - and know that you have choices. There have been a few times in my life when looking for the right med for me when she wanted to try a med that I was uncomfortable with. Instead of freaking out (which I could have) I let her know that I would not take that medication and could she find something that was as close to equivalent as possible. I said the only way/time I would ever take it voluntarily would be is if were a matter of life and death. She respected my choice. She asked me why and tried to explain my concerns; but I stood my ground and said no, and she was Ok with it. So that's what I mean about choice - I don't mean refusing medication just because - you can say no to a particular med, but still comply to treatment.

    I know I"m long-winded - if you're anything like me in a situation like yours, I would want to know that there's a plan - that though I'm not "all better" now, I want to know that I am actually doing something that is moving me in the right direction.

    If you are not clear about what that plan is for you from your Psychiatrist, then the next time you see her, I would ask. Apparently, the hallucinations are a fairly new symptom, so I would ask her what she thought was going on and what can be done about it, and if she answers with generalities, I would ask her for specifics. That is her job. She is supposed to have a plan for course of treatment, as well as your therapist. Basically, you want to make sure that you are getting the best care possible. You want to know that you are moving forward, if even slowly.

    Be your own best advocate!