• 19 days ago

    Caught in a bad situation

    I was a student at a University. Due to overwhelming health issues I had to get therapy to just even consider functioning again. I wasn’t in touch with my department or academic advisor during that time as I knew I’d get no support from them. I was getting better till recently, when I had to take up my academic commitments. It’s been like getting thrown back into some hell again. I’m back to thoughts of death, and I’ve injured myself repeatedly over the stress so that I can get myself to calm down. The insensitivity of academic people is like some acid. I don’t know how to deal with it over my own sense of guilt and shame. I’m desperately looking for reasons to go on doing any of this. At times I can’t see the reason why I’m trying to get better or ‘normal’, if I have to end up spending more time with inhumane people who live so completely in a different world. I guess I’m just looking for a little understanding, don’t know why else I’m writing here.

Responses

  • 18 days ago

    RE: Caught in a bad situation

    Hi Nya_m

    I'm sorry that you are feeling so defeated and hopeless and that you are feeling that ending your life is the only answer to your situation! :(

    You said that you went to therapy due to some health issues. Are you still in therapy so that he/she could help you through this? Therapy can be hard work, but when there's the combination of a skilled, trained therapist and a client who is hungry for change and is more than willing and wanting to do all the hard and painful work to make those changes, there's nothing more worth it!

    If you're not already, I would very much encourage your to get back into therapy - one who does much more than just sit and listens.

    You may not feel it right now, but you are worth living! You deserve a life that brings you joy!

    Debbie
      • 17 days ago
        Hi Debbie,

        Thank you for your considerate reply. I was feeling low and desperate when I posted.
        I'm still in therapy, but my therapist was unavailable during that time. I sought for help then elsewhere and have been prescribed medications to get me through this time. I'm just feeling the weight of my decisions though... it's like I can't seem to do anything right. I know I'm not alone, but sometimes this feeling of loneliness is crushing, and anxiety is exhausting. I still have hope that the medications will help, I just need to get through each day till then.
        Thank you very much for your encouragement. It helps me feel less alone.
      • 17 days ago
        Hi Nya_m,

        Thanks for writing back. I know how hard it can be when we go through periods of feeling extra lonely or depressed. Depression really sucks!

        I'm glad that you are taking meds and are in therapy! Do you like your therapist and feel that you are and can make progress with him/her? Do you feel comfortable being honest with everything that comes up for you? I hope that your T is a good fit for you and that you end up learning a lot!

        I also hope that the meds you are taking are helpful for you. Be reminded that you don't need to stay on them if 1) you have serious or intolerable side effects or 2) they simply don't work after a reasonable amount of time. There are too many people who don't speak up to ther doctor about how thier meds are working or not working and so the doctor can assume that everything is fine. You deserve to be on the best meds for you!

        I'm glad you are taking care of yourself! Keep doing so and you will begin to see the results you desire! Life for you can get better! You have not been doomed to a life hopelessness or depression! You deserve much better than that, and it's yours to have as you do the work to help get you there!

        You are not alone!

        If you want to, I would like to ask if you would do something. It may sound silly to you, but give it a try.

        One day I was feeling alone, but something inside told me that I wasn't. I got out a piece of paper and at the bottom of the page, I drew a dome-like shape that represented me. Then I proceeded to write down every name or title of everyone I had ever connect with in my current days. I mean everyone. I wrote down the grocery checker that I always chat with when in line, I wrote down certain people I visit with on the bus; I wrote my therapists name,and so on. The ones I was closer with, were closer to me, the ones not, were further away.

        By the time I was done, I had lines drawn from various locations tht were connected to me. Though I can't remember the exact number,therer a least 25 names.

        I looked at the end result with a sense of awe. I started out believing I was alone and with no connections other than my therapist, but by the end of the project, I realized that I was far more connected than what I knew. It had a profound impact on me with the message being that I'm truly not alone and that I'm connected on various levels to more people than what I ever thought.

        No, they are not close friends, but knowing I was connected when I didn't think I was freed me from believing the lie that I was alone.

        Hold onto hope - the opposite of hope is despair!

        Debbie
      • 14 days ago
        Hi Debbie,

        Thank you again. I just saw your reply yesterday. Your advice about taking the right medication was very timely. I'm on some additional medications now, and have a follow up appointment in a fortnight. I've never been on meds before, so I'm not sure what to anticipate. I'm hoping I'll feel less tired and hopeless, and won't spiral so badly into despair.
        I will do the exercise you suggested! I seem to need a lot of reminding of late that I'm not alone. Thank you for your suggestion!
        My therapist was working fine for me till a month back. I was seeing some slow changes for myself, and she knew when to challenge me and when to listen. I just hit a downward turn when some old problems re-surfaced. As it happened, my therapist became unavailable at the time. It shook me up badly, felt like I was back where I'd begun, if not worse. I'm doing better now, but I still feel rather lost. I won't be giving up on therapy though.
        Thank you for taking the time to write back to me. I really appreciate your words of support.