• 8 months ago

    RE: I dont know what to do

    I’m sorry that life has been so hard for you lately that you want to go back to self-harm. You must have been through a lot to have felt so much pain before and now.

    I hope you were able to get past the moment a few days ago when you thought you were going to lose control, and I hope you were able to do so without cutting. Emotions are waves and if we wait long enough, there will always be a time when they’re slightly weaker (or so I’ve been told). Self-harm might make us feel better in the short term, but it doesn’t ultimately help make life better. And life can get better.
  • 8 months ago

    RE: I dont know what to do

    Hi, when you wrote your post and any other time you are feeling the urge to cut and you stay in that mindset, you are making it easier to give in to that urge to cut.

    What can be helpful for you when this happens is that you physically get yourself up and do some kind of activity. Distraction, in situations like that and others, can be a life safe. The longer you sit in that mode and dwell on how you are feeling, the worse you will feel, and the stronger that urge to cut will become; but if you can literally make yourself shift gears by "changing the subject" in your mind, your emotions will follow - but it's imperative that the shift involve phyisical activity. Doing that will sort of "snap" you out of the unhealthy state of mind that we get into.

    The more you can force yourself to do that, the more it will become a habit, which is far better than sitting in the false messages that only serve to make you feel worse.

    I challenge you to try it, and not just for when you feel the urge to cut, but any time you find yourself dwelling on things that only result in depression, anxiety, feeling paranoid, etc. I think you will be surprised at how it works.

    There is one thing that if you can first truly understand it and then begin to learn to apply it, you will gain a powerful tool that you can use in many different situations for the rest of your life, and that is, "Emotions don't know the difference between fact and fiction."

    If I start having a dialogue about how worthless I am and that I amount to nothing, etc. How do you think I will start feeling? Exactly! I will start feeling depressed and woe is me.......but the ONLY reason that I would be feeling that way would be because that's what my emotions heard my mind they did what they do, i.e. react to stimuli and in that case, they reacted appropriatley to what I was telling them even though it isn't true. (the more I tell myself those things, the more I believe them to be true - THAT is the connection between our mind and emotions)

    SO when we can turn that around and stop ourselves when we are dwelling on things that simply are not true, or even when they are true, then we can have more control over ourselves emotionally than what we ever thought possible.

    The above has been one of THE biggest, most powerful, most life-changing truths that I learned in therapy! I learned many other things, but that one goes right up there at the top. I would love if everyone could learn and apply it. I know from experience that it saves SO much unnecessary heartache, depression, anger, anxiety, and so on! I certainly haven't perfected this in my own life - if only! But it is something that I am very mindful of all the time and I do try to take the steps needed to get out of the negative, unhealthy trap of the messages my mind will sometimes hold onto for too long. I'm getting better at it, but have so far to go still - like for the rest of my life!

    I know, this post is long. I've even deleted some of it, so it was even longer. lol

    I know that sometimes life feels too overwhelming or too hard, or to "fill in the blank," and it's true; but we all have more strength and determination to be able to plow through the hard times and come out the other side a better person!

    Never give up! There is hope for the brokenhearted!

  • RE: I dont know what to do

    Don't feel alone. I don't cut myself, but I have the same lonely, drowning, isolated feeling almost every day for most of my life, and especially now. I'm with you.

    I like Debbie's advice because on not so bad days I can see that clearly. I have seeked therapy several times in my life, and mostly I get someone who just thinks all they have to do is sit there and listen and most of the time they are really bored. Debbie, can you share with me who your therapist was that made you see this? - I do believe that dwelling on things (during a session) does not help as much as helping someone to engage in doing something different about it.
      • 8 months ago
        Hi afteralltheseyears,

        I didn't see your comment until just now.

        I'm not really sure how to answer your question about who was my therapist. I mean, giving your her name wouldn't help you at all (she's retired now anyway).

        You described the kind of therapist you have seen in the past as someone who basically just sits there and listens and may occasionally make a comment. In my opinion, that's not therapy at all. Heck, I could get someone to listen to me talk about my problems as I'm doing my grocery shopping! In fact, I have seen a therapist like that on a short term basis, and I hated it and felt it was a waste of the money I didn't have to throw away. I even told that therapist that her method (if that's what you want to call it) was not helpful for me, and then shared with her what worked better. That didn't help. I left.

        The therapist in question I don't see any longer and haven't for about 5 years. I saw her for 20 years. Therapy with her in some ways, was like an intense class on fixing my life and learning new and healthy ways to make decisions, respond and react to daily life situations, healing wounds that needed healing, and also being vulnerable in facing my own inadequacies or ways of thinking and doing things that needed to change.

        I shared with her what I wanted any given session. She listened. Was compassionate, did not judge me - but she didn't always stop there. She would gently point out things that needed - we would argue sometimes - (never yelling or mean - it was usually just me being stubborn and defensive because I didn't want to hear what she had to say at the time) - She had strong boundaries and she was not easily manipulated, yet she knew when love trumped wisdom or boundaries and would let me cross - but only when she believed that it was for my good at the time, and she didn't make a habit of it. She believed that I needed to know that she was consistent in how she does things. In fact, for the entire 20 years, she was always and consistently the same person. I mean, I never had to wonder what mood she would be in or if she would let her personal life interfere with her as therapist. Literally, not even one session in 20 years! As a client, that is HUGELY comforting and feels safe!

        She was/is an incredibly wise person! I was SO very fortunate that I had her as my therapist! I absolutely needed a therapist like her in my life at the time. I was hungry for everything and anything I could learn from her, and she knew that, which made her give me more and challenge me more!

        I don't know any other kind of therapy than with what I had in her, but I'm very aware that there are many therapists out there who are the "sit and listen" kind of so called therapist, and I genuinely feel sad for their clients. They are getting a false impression of what therapy is supposed to be about and so they just leave and say that therapy doesn't work for them! Of course that kind of therapy doesn't work for them because the therapist is not helping them to learn and make the changes in their lives needed! I not only need the tools, but I need lessons on HOW to use them! How many therapists do that?

        I doubt that I have answered your question, but feel free to ask more specific if you want to.

        It can sometimes be hard to find a good therapist that you work well with, but they are out there! Patience! I searched and searched online, and either saw (one-time consultation appt that most therapists do for free so you can meet them) - so either saw or talked on the phone with or emailed between 17-20 therapists a few years ago before finding the "perfect" therapist for me. But with my former therapist, I didn't have to search at all - i was introduced to her by someone and that was it - with her for 20 years. lol So it can go both ways, but for me, when I know that I need help in whatever capacity, I won't stop until I find what I need. If a doctor is incompetent, or he/she is just downright rude and personality makes it difficult - I don't have to put up with anything other than what I am comfortable with and feel safe with - and of course, they are competent in their field.

        If therapy is what you want/need, then be your own best advocate and search until you find what works for you! You deserve it!

  • 8 months ago

    RE: I dont know what to do

    Can you reach out to talk to someone? That might help. I'm lonely to and it does suck .