• 1 month ago

    Cant get over her..

    About 4 years ago, just after my son turned one, me and his mother broke up. For the last 4,almost 5 years now we have been doing good not letting our situation effect him. The last few weeks have been extremely difficult for me. Not sure why but all of these feelings for her have came rushing back and its driving me crazy. A few days ago she started dating someone and it seems like everything has gotten so much worse. All i want is for her to be happy, which i know I can not make her. This guy seems to do it. I can tell in the last month or so she seems like she did when we first started talking. Shes smiling and laughing again which does make me happy..but I still love her more than anything(except my son that is) she has been a huge part of my life and really the only true love iv ever had. We have always done holidays together because neither of us want to keep the other from being able to spend time with our son. I broke down today in front of him for the first time. I hate that it happened and but for some reason I just couldn't hold it in any longer. Iv told her that I do still love her and all I want is for her to be happy, but I'm scared that with me feeling the way I do, I'm going to end up doing or saying something that will ruin what relationship we have left, and it scares the hell out of me. We have done an amazing job of raising him even with our problems, but with her finaly finding someone who can make her happy I'm scared that things are about to take a turn for the worse and I dont want our son to have to go through that. When I was young my parents split and it was the most traumatic thing that ever happened in my childhood, and I'm afraid that the worst is about to come. I dont know what to do or how to handle this. She is an amazing woman and I know she wouldnt purposefully do anything to ruin what little relationship we have left, or hurt our son. All I want is to feel normal but after these 4-5 years of putting myself through this I dont think it will ever happen. I'm not suicidal at all, nor do i want to hurt myself. But i dont think I can do this anymore. It seems like it's so hard to breathe lately and it seems like every second of the day I'm fighting to keep the tears in. Today especially, I got out of work and when I got home I laid on the couch and just broke down crying for literally 3-4 hours before I went and picked him up, only to break down again once we got home. I just dont know what to do anymore..I hate that I'm not strong enough to deal with this, especially when I have him. If i couldn't hold it in today, I'm afraid that it's going to happen more and it's going to effect him..

Responses

  • 1 month ago

    RE: Cant get over her..

    So very touched by your story. I know it took a lot to get all that out.

    Whether you realize it or not, you said some very positive and mature comments. My question/suggestion is ... turn around and let your ex-wife know how you're feeling, as well. I don't know if you have that kind of relationship with her now, but you're clearly a caring, thoughtful person and if she's as wonderful as you say, she should (hopefully) be respectful and supportive of you now -- even though you're no longer together. And since she seems to be the person/reason you're feeling like you do, getting this out may be very beneficial for you and (once again, hopefully) help you move ahead.

    Best wishes to you and your son. Please let us know how things go.
      • 1 month ago
        Well I have been talking to her about everything I'm feeling. Actually just got off the phone with her talking about halloween. She said that she doesnt want to make me uncomfortable and she said she will tell him that she doesnt want him to go with us..kind of makes me feel like *** though because I dont want to get in the way of her happiness, and I even told her that. She said she understands why i feel the way i do and that I have nothing to be sorry for, which I know I dont but it's just hard, and as I said in the original post I just want her to be happy. But thank you for the support, if anything else happens I'll be sure to let you know. Just hope things start to get better..tired of feeling like an idiot for still having these feelings after so long.
  • 1 month ago

    RE: Cant get over her..

    Hi,

    I know there are many dynamics to your story than what I've picked up on, but this one part stuck out to me.

    You wrote, " I'm scared that with me feeling the way I do, I'm going to end up doing or saying something that will ruin what relationship we have left" and "I'm scared that things are about to take a turn for the worse and I dont want our son to have to go through that."

    Like I said, I realize there is much more than the above, but I don't know if you are aware of this, but a large chunk of your fear and other emotional reactions are based on what COULD happen or what MIGHT happen. Your mind is focusing on those things and as a result, you are reacting emotionally as if those things have already taken place, you know? If you could literally force your thinking away from things that are not facts (in this situation), I can promise that the level and intensity of your emotions will settle down. I am NOT saying that your feelings of love for her and the heartache re that whole thing will go away or is not real, but I'm saying that the real and true parts of what you are going through is hard and painful enough, so there's no sense in adding more to it by dwelling on the parts that are not and may never be real, you know?

    As far as the actual relationship is concerned or if you have shared with her how you feel - but if you haven't, that might be a good thing to do - though you know the situation, where I don't.

    I'm sorry you are going through this pain and loss. If you feel it would help you to talk with someone about it and/or someone who could give you some direction too - you might want to see a therapist short term so you can get some help and support. Something to think about.

    Hang in there

    Debbie