• I'm trying.

    I've been struggling with depression for as long as I can remember with two (and a half) failed suicide attempts more recently. I realized I had to tell someone, so I told my mom I think I need help. At the moment I did it, it felt like a great weight lifted off my shoulders, but in the long term, It's made life harder. She treats me differently and she doesn't trust me. I understand she is trying to help, and I'm glad. She is making me a therapist appointment today, and I want to get better. These past few days have been really dark and I barely have the energy to get out of bed or eat. I have self harmed for a while. I used to cut, but someone noticed and I had to come up with an excuse. More recently, I smash my finger in to a table over and over again until I'm numb to the pain. I want to get better, but it's just so hard. I feel like I'm such a burden and Everyone seems to go out of their way to tell me how annoying and in the way I always am. This year, I couldn't think if going back to school, so I do online school. Anyway, this is stupid to be writing. I just needed to vent while I cry all over my laptop.

Responses

  • 23 hours ago

    RE: I'm trying.

    Hi Aryanna_1027

    I'm sorry that you are in so much pain! I think it was very brave of you to talk with your mom about what's going on with you even though Im sure it was hard to do! Good job! She's your mom and she should know so that she can do whatever she can to help you! No one ever said that we have to do this thing called life alone, you know? We need each other!

    I am VERY glad that your suicide attempts were not successful! I understand how hard depression is and that you feel like you will never get better - so suicide seems appealing to those in that position. THey think it's the only way they can find relief, but that's just a lie that depression whispers in your ears! Suicide is NOT an answer. You think it would bring relief to the pain and depression you are going through, but it doesn't, not to mention the pain it causes your loved ones!

    Very good on yoru mom for setting you up with a therapist! You said that was today - how did it go? Based on first impression, did you like her/him? I know somethings that's hard to tell the first visit, but I hope that she/he made a good first impression on you!

    Just based on your post, therapy can do so much good for you! Things don't get better overnight, but with a good therapist, one that you like and feel safe opening up with, and you being honest with your therapist, it can take you a long way! If you are there to work hard and know that it's not the therapist who has to do the work, but you do, you WILL see progress! Your therapist will be a good support for you, so give her/him a chance. If it turns out that this therapist really isn't for you, don't give up on therapy, just ask your mom to help you find a different therapist. Sometimes (oftentimes) it's not therapy, but not connecting with the therapist that can make for little help.

    I don't think it was stupid at all that you wrote here! I think it was smart and I think that you are following your instinct that says that you need and want help, and right now you are reaching in whatever direction that could possibly help you! That's good! You are stronger than you think! You are trying! You are not satisfied living and feeling like you are and have been, so you are reaching out for help! You started with your mom, which is fantastic! Of course she's going to act a bit different around you for a while because she loves you! She is concerned and does not want her baby to continue to be in so much pain that she would even try to kill herself twice! Think about if you were the mom, you know? She loves you and wants to protect and help you! Let her!

    One thing that helps me keep my head in reality is when I start thinking and feeling really negative things in general or about myself, like I'm no good, or I'm never going to get better, or a zillion other things - what I do is I remind myself that those things are the depression talking and not how I really feel. The more I feed on those kinds of thoughts, the worse I'm going to feel. That's just how our mind and emotions work together - for the good or bad.

    Telling myself that's the depression speaking doesn't automatically make me feel better, but it allows me to be able to separate truth from fiction. I am able to on one hand, know that those thoughts are NOT true, yet at the same time, think and feel them. But thinking and feeling them does NOT make them true. Then I remind myself that I WILL get back to thinking without depression thinking for me, and those things that had me down will no longer have that power over me - temporary power.

    Doing the above is a tool that I use that decreases the amount of time that I would be in that head space. If I didn't, then I would dwell on those false thoughts, my feelings would react accordingly, and then it would be a vicisous cycle that would send me deeper into depression.

    What we think and dwell on plays a HUGE role in how we feel. Many people don't believe that, but it's usually because they don't fully understand it and/or know how to really apply it - but it's amazingly true!

    Test it and watch your emotions go in the direction of your thoughts because our feelings don't know the difference between fact or fiction - they just react to the stimuli presented.

    I appologize this post is WAY too long! Yikes! I got a lot wordy - as I tend to! lol

    If you read all the way to the end of this, thank you and congratulations! :)

    Hang in there! It WILL get better as long as you are actively getting help, and doing what it takes personally to get better, you will! Not saying it will be easy or fast, but you can get better! There IS hope!

    I sincerely hope that you end up with a therapist who is as amazing, wise, loving, caring, supportive, and knowledgeable as mine was! I could never ever repay my therapist for the many ways she has helped me and was there for me! I hope that for you as well!

    Sincerely,
    Debbie