• 3 months ago

    Undiagnosed ADHD

    I am just fuming. I've recently started my first year of college and while the workload for freshman year hasn't been much thus far, I still have been having issues. Having all this space to myself allowed me to have a lot more time to think - it almost seems like too much at times. Sometimes I'll just be alone in my dorm room and sit on my bed and state into space. My mind will go from thought to thought and I find myself paralyzed, a slave to this endless train of thought.
    In addition to this I keep leaving assignments to the last second because I simply cannot get myself to concentrate on them beforehand. This has always been a problem since high school, where I stayed up countless nights to achieve the almost all straight A's I earned throughout my high school years.
    I finally took action after yesterday, when I finished a final project just mere minutes before it was due. It was such a tight squeeze to finish it and I was haunted once again by that awful feeling of irresponsibility, internally bashing myself for not taking initiative and finishing it ahead of time when in reality, I was unable to.
    This was really the last straw, I knew something had to be up. I am intelligent and talented and I know I'm capable of so many things, I'm even trying to teach myself a 3rd language for Pete's sake, but I can never really "finish" anything.
    ADHD in my home was a blasphemous word. I distinctly recall having mentioned it to my mom, who I believe has her own slew of mental illnesses, and her immediately dismissing the topic. She would say that ADHD is just something that psychiatrists made up to make more money from prescriptions. As a child I believed her. I even questioned whether I had it which she would also dismiss as nonsense.
    8 years later, here I am, not being able to focus on the most insignificant thing. I feel debilitated, and paralyzed by my thoughts.
    I finally called my father to ask him if my elementary school teachers ever discussed the topic of ADHD with my parents. His answer didn't even phase me. He confirmed that yes indeed my second grade teacher and teachers that followed all tried to tell them. In fact at one time, one of them even proved it to my parents by having them visit school. She gave me and my fellow students the same set of directions and I would fail to complete all of them as opposed to my classmates who got it all done. My arrogant mother denied it all, remarking later that "how dare she label him" and that "they just want to label the hispanics with things like ADHD so that they can fall behind."
    Funny enough, my father also strongly believes that my mother herself has the disorder, as she is always scrambling last minute to get stuff done and the attempts that are made to prevent this are futile. She is always late to things, forgets her keys constantly, this among other things that I too suffer from. What makes this realization disturbing is that it is very likely that throughout my childhood, my mother constantly bashed me for being late to school, taking forever to get things done, things that she also did, and I'm afraid she was in reality, bashing her inner ADHD self whom she was and still denies, through me, who was at the time, an innocent unknowing child.
    Upon being told this literally yesterday I was, as previously mentioned, fuming. This disorder has prevented me from doing so many things like having free time, spending time with friends in high school etc. Granted I attended a rigorous high school, which made it even more difficult to get good grades. I was always staying up trying to finish the next book, add the last touches on that essay, solve that math problem, when it was my Adhd that prevented my from focusing. Reflecting back it seems almost superhuman to have pushed through this unknown ailment to the extent that I did.
    I relayed my anger to my father, asking him why he didn't bother to be the parent and take his child to the doctor when his teacher literally told you and proved to you that he probably has Adhd. What makes this more painful is that his irresponsibility to do this serves as yet another treatment to his neglect of me as a child.
    We've finally resolved to go to the doctor in a week and even that feels long. I've never been more sure of something in my life and I can't wait to get diagnosed and treated so that I can hopefully experience "having my brain turned on" as one put it in an article about the disorder.
    Still awaiting my appointment, I find myself waking up with an unnamable anxiety some mornings, including this morning. My heart thumps heavily and I can't subdue it with the coping mechanisms I have used my whole life. This is such a debilitating disorder, but I'm so happy to have come to this realization.

Responses

  • 3 months ago

    RE: Undiagnosed ADHD

    Well in cases like this you need to provide evidence, such as a journal -- perhaps list your symptoms as well... Then you have evidence of what you are experiencing and then it can be diagnosed by a PROFESSIONAL! Do what you think is best, you know yourself best.

    Learn more about ADD/ADHD on here. For the symptom tracking try a app? https://careclinic.io -- there's plenty!