• 5 months ago

    Marriage after Affair

    I have been married to my wife for almost four years. I found about three months ago that she had an affair with an ex of hers about three years ago. I knew something had changed, with her and with us but I don't think I wanted to believe it was that. We are trying to work it out and stay together for our family but it is tough. She is in the Navy and stationed in Japan for two years. Does anyone have any success stories or advice?? Thanks

Responses

  • 5 months ago

    RE: Marriage after Affair

    you guys are together for 4 years and you said she had an affair with her ex almost 3 years ago. how do you so confirm about your wife affair? Do you have any proof or you just assuming? Did she give you any sign of her deception??? If she did then she wanted to work out with you for sure and probably felt sorry for everything because it is not ethical. You better speak with her and let her know about your thought. If she is a wise person she will explain to you for having peace.

    Good Luck
  • RE: Marriage after Affair

    As a therapist who does couples therapy, I can tell you that many couples get past this. They are often even stronger for it -- though that does not mean they are exactly happy it happened. The important thing is to really re-establish trust, not to let time put it in the past and try to ignore the continued undercurrent of distrust. This means having open dialogue around it and for both parties to share their experience. The one who was cheated on needs to feel supported in sharing their struggles, though not use it as a way to just repeatedly bash their partner. And, if there were problems in the marriage that the one who cheated felt and dealt with by having an affair, then it is important that they be able to address this. To be clear, this does not mean having an affair was an okay way to handle the problems, but that they can be worked through now.

    All of this can be very tricky and I generally advise people to see a a couples therapist to help them. With your situation of being so distant from each other, that can be especially difficult. Maybe you could schedule telehealth therapy sessions (online)? Maybe you talk the best you can through the 2 years and then get couples therapy?

    Of course, there is much about your particular situation that I do not know -- perhaps limiting how much you can apply of this advice to your situation. But I hope this is helpful.
  • 5 months ago

    RE: Marriage after Affair

    My advice is too go before the Lord Jesus Christ and pray for your marriage. Ask the Lord Jesus to heal your heart from all trauma and cast out all unforgiveness you have towards your wife...Then ask the Lord Jesus Christ to be in the midst of your marriage.
  • 5 months ago

    RE: Marriage after Affair

    Dude she cheated on you. Don't forgive her so easily. What's wrong with you? As soon as she sees you're a door mat, she will treat you as such. What will keep her from doing it again? And couple's counseling when she's in freaking Japan isn't really feasible. I already know it's excruciating to think of time apart or time away or you're afraid of losing her and you still love her. But think long-term. This relationship has NO longevity if she doesn't respect you. You need to SHOW her, not tell her, what you NEED as a man and that is two fundamental things (1) RESPECT (2) commitment. If she is unable to provide those TWO fundamental things to you, which are essential to any relationship, and you're STILL OK with that, then you need to work on yourself and see why that is. That takes really focusing on yourself, talking with friends and family who care about you, and then seeking counseling individually.
      • 5 months ago
        This writing is similar my issue. I have a BF he always thinks about me negatively! he thinks I sleep with my EX but i did not sleep with my ex. of course two fundamentals are important (respect and commitment). i am wondering why he doesn’t just ask me directly instead of thinking about me cheating. i am not cheating period.
      • 5 months ago
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  • 5 months ago

    RE: Marriage after Affair

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  • 4 months ago

    RE: Marriage after Affair

    Even though I am not married my boyfriend and I have been together for 10 years have 3 kids and live as we are married. About 3 years ago I found out he has having an affair with a coworker that destroyed me. We never fought and I thought we were happy and had a good relationship so it destroyed me. I really had to asses what I was doing in the relationship that contributed to his betrayal and even though it 100% was not my fault I was guilty of things in the relationship that over time made him start to resent me and were in my control. I loved him so much I was desperate to save the relationship and really dissected how my actions affected us as a couple and my happiness and had to recommit to working on myself so I didnt repeat anything that would negatively effect our relationship and make him feel like I didnt care or belittle him as a man. He also needed to recommit to me and make drastic efforts to regain my trust. We had to address the reasons he did what he did and a big one was he was depressed and unhappy in his work and felt stuck at his job so he quit his job not only to prove his affair was over but also finding a career he was happy in. There is a ton of work involved and trust is not easily regained. You have to know she is working to earn yours back and willing to do whatever it takes to prove shes worthy of it. I still struggle with trusting my man and we've been working 3 years at repairing the damage but I have to have faith hes being honest while hes also proving accountability. The biggest hurdle I have struggled with is forgiveness. You have to decide if this is something you can live with and truly forgive because holding on to this resentment will fester and infect your relationship until it cant be treated and need to be cut off. I sometimes want to throw his betrayal in his face when we're in the heat of it but I know I shouldn't because it only builds on my resentment and distracts from the issue at hand and doesn't give me a free pass to throw in his face at any moment I'm upset. Everything has to be different or it will all be the same. Good luck!
  • 1 month ago

    RE: Marriage after Affair

    I suppose the first question I would ask her is .. Why did you cheat? There was a reason. If the reason is because she was lonely and this individual was around and you was not I think that would be an easy thing to grow from however, if she has issues with you personally or she has problems with herself as an individual you will both need counseling and it might not be worth saving.
  • 1 month ago

    RE: Marriage after Affair

    As someone that has had infidelity in my (ex)marriage, my one and only question is: Do you respect her? If you still have respect, then I believe you can find a path to forgiveness and to develop the relationship into something stronger. If you don't have respect, forgiveness and the ability to move forward with trust- save yourself a lot of pain and move on.

    After the infidelity that occurred in my marriage, we stayed together for 12 year. 12 long, difficult, painful, brutal years. We lost trust, respect and eventually love for each other. I constantly blame myself for not being able to overcome the challenges that occurred in the years after the cheating. Eventually, I realized I could no longer live with the verbal and emotional abuse that occurred on a daily basis. The level of disrespect was abominable.

    3 years post separation and 2 year post divorce, I still find it strange that I don't cry every single day. I will never have a relationship like that again! I am no longer afraid of the pain of loss and leaving. It was much easier to leave than it was to stay. I also find that the marriage as affected my ability to have a intimate type relationships with others.
  • 1 month ago

    RE: Marriage after Affair

    I have a situation like that. He always think about me I am f***king around. He is completely worng. I may chat for by mistakenly but did not go for any further action. I hope this will be understandable for the understandable person. I am not at cheating site neither sleeping around. Dont even know how to say again me no cheating.
      • 1 month ago
        I think he already hack me. So why dont he call that person ask. Since he is in so doubt.
      • 1 month ago
        I am getting stomach aches and a lot headache just because of his big unnecessary doubt. Why dont he just ask me that did I cheat or not rather than giving me this scary situation.
      • 1 month ago
        I prefer ask me directly with his proof. Talk like all grown up people. I will not lie. And I am not cheating..
      • It's important to keep in mind that you cannot control what other people think. You can try to address his concerns, talking it through with him. But if he has decided you are cheating and will not let go, there is nothing you can do to "make" him change his mind. If you are both open to it, you could try couples counseling, which can sometimes help.
      • 1 month ago
        Counseling not possible... 10 state far. He is not listening person either.
      • The problem isn't as much that he is far away (you might be able to find someone who can do online counseling with you), but that he won't listen. If he insists on remaining in his way of thinking and not being open to taking in what you have to say, then I'm sorry to say that you don't have a true partner. The next questions that comes to my mind are: How is this affecting you? And, what do you think is the best way for you to cope with this?