• 27 days ago

    Help

    I have a wife that is mentally unstable, she blames her problems on the kids, husband and everything else. She has a drinking and anxiety problems.
    I think she is going through menopause or bipolar. I relied on her to make our house payments after giving her the money and now our house is in foreclosure. She always has an excuse to spend money or control the money. When I try to take it over she threatens to leave. What am I to do?

Responses

  • 27 days ago

    RE: Help

    Hi well you have seen what happens when she has the money, it does not take a lot of common sense to know which way you should go now.

    NOWHARD
  • 27 days ago

    RE: Help

    Wow, shocking ... when did you notice that she is mentally unstable??? cause once you understand why don't you take care the house payment. if she has the drinking problem and Menopause or bipolar then why don't you take her to the doctor. she may or may not having all this issue. but you would know if you take her to the doctor that what is going on to her. surprised to see how much money has she been expending each month so that she was not able to pay the rent. and she also threaten you to leave. you may both go to the marriage counselor for discussing her issue. and take her to the therapist too if you do not want separation.

    Good luck
    From Sabrina
      • 16 days ago
        You do understand that you cannot "take" someone to the doctor like you can take a pet to the vet, don't you? You cannot force someone to do anything they don't want to. He can ask her to go with him but has no more leverage than that.
  • 25 days ago

    RE: Help

    Talk to her may be she needs ur time like go out if she want drink with her abt money don't trust her with money and tel her no hard
    liquor if she want to safe marriag
  • 25 days ago

    RE: Help

    If she does not want to listen to you at all then file for separation.
  • 19 days ago

    RE: Help

    I'm sorry you are going thru this with your wife. My mother is bipolar schizophrenic and will not receive any help with her disorder. It has destroyed our entire family. It seemed to start or get worse right around menopause. It caused a very difficult life as a child and even now as an adult. She was on medication for it once, but decided she didn't need it and stopped. I hope you are able to get her some sort of help because it's very difficult to deal with a person like that at any age. They will be controlling, abusive and manipulative, which sounds like what is happening. I wish you luck and success in getting her the help she needs.
  • 19 days ago

    RE: Help

    As a woman who is bipolar...
    Getting this diagnosis is life shattering. I was lucky in that, when I got mine, I had a close friend who was also to guide me. Bottom line: stop trying to be"normal" because you never will be. Trying to will drive you to drink. Instead, find where you can exist within acceptable societal bounds and get creative. I had to stop working and go on disability. I don't like taking medicine every day when I know it will never cure my problem, but without it I'm a mess so I take it. We bipolar people think that, okay we're better now and quit our meds, often with disasterous results.
    She probably knows there's something wrong but is wrapped up in her confusion. I was wicked to loved ones until I figured this out. You have no idea how tortured she is and alcohol is the commonest method to try and numb yourself. Irresponsibility and finding it difficult to take the long view are also common.
    May I suggest loving her. Tell her something is off kilter (as opposed to "wrong") and that y'all will face it together. Tell her that, because she has difficulty paying the bills (so do I) that you'll take over that and you both will get a weekly allowance (rem, fella: you're in this together and don't make her feel punished or singled out). If she chooses to spend it on alcohol, don't scold. When her weekly money is gone, it's gone. Stand your ground on that. If she pitches a fit, let her. If she threatens to leave, calmly say fine, that she's an adult, she can leave if she wants to. She might... but she probably will break down and ask for help. Help her.
    I'm all alone. I managed to run off everybody before my diagnosis. Thank God my kids still love me--I apologized and told them that I wish I had had medication when they were growing up and that ALL I can do now is be a better person going forward, and I am. They accept that.
    Bipolar used to be called "manic-depression". Regular depression is called, "unipolar depression"--ie, no mania.
    Tell her she's in the company of Chopan, Virginia Wolf and Leonardo de Vinci, all of whom are bipolar. She's probably smarter than the average bear, creative in some aspect and deeply frustrated by her swings of emotions. Your job is to learn as much about it as possible so that you understand. It can't be easy to love her but if you can find the person you fell in love with, don't mind holding her when she cries tears she doesn't know why, make sure she drinks enough water and takes her medicine and go on outings together, you can survive this. I am heartbroken to be alone. But I have animals and especially get satisfaction from my chickens because they're funny and I love the look on friends' faces when I bring them fresh eggs. They're also easy and if you set up a tube feeder they're almost hassle-free.
    I hope this helps. I hope she accepts your love and can find it within her to let you be there for her. Don't put blame on her, she can't help it. She already blames herself plenty, believe me. Be kind. Be strong. Be patient. Put your foot down on the finances but don't make her feel blamed. Let her be totally free with her allowance even if you don't approve of how she uses it. Day will come she'll get a handle on it. She may want a dress and will have to make an either/or decision. If she decides, both, and steals, she's a thief and react accordingly. Bipolar is not an excuse to be a thief.
    Also, bipolar rarely exists alone. My riders are both ADD and ADHD--loads of fun, but very common.
    And get help for yourself before YOU go crazy. That's important. Choppy waters ahead--your therapist holds the map.
    I hope this helps.
      • 19 days ago
        Bless your heart for all you have struggled through and learned about your disorder - and thank you for sharing all this information. Not only info, but positive helpful solutions. I have learned so much more from your comment than any other article about Bipolar disorder. Thank you for sharing so much. My heart goes out to you for battling all of this alone - but I am so relived to hear your adult children are there for you. Sending you a big hug and prayers for continued strength in your daily battles, from California. Aren't animals THE BEST therapy, and caregivers? Amen to tbat!
        -Wendy
      • 19 days ago
        Thank you, Wendy, and yes they are. I wake up in the mornings at the bottom of a critter-pile--5 cats and an 85lb dog, my peaceable kingdom. I *** and complain about it but wouldn't have it any other way. Even the chickens come wandering in if the front door's open. The cats and dog hang out with them, no danger. I'm lucky.
        When you're bipolar they don't do a blood test to diagnose, they take a history. And you *have* to know yourself because every case is individual. There IS no one-size-fits-all except for support. But all of us need support.
        Hugs, Miss Wendy.
      • 19 days ago
        wow very interesting to read about this.
      • 19 days ago
        Sparrowstar, thank you for your thoughtful reply. Your story will help many -- it really means a lot to me. Thank you.
      • 13 days ago
        As a woman that also has Bipolar; THANK YOU for explaining the support his wife needs.

        Learning and understanding mental illness as a whole helps greatly!! NAMI is a wonderful resource and support for affected family members taking care of their loved ones.
  • 19 days ago

    RE: Help

    My first wife was like this. In the end I took her name and signing rights off our joint account. She refused all help and was slowly destroying our daughter. We ended up divorcing. I could not help her, she always had an excuse and the trust that we should have had, was gone. Good luck but do consider your children’s, and yours, wellbeing first.?
      • 19 days ago
        My children are grown--45, 36 and 32. They're all pretty terrific people and individuals.
        Yes, just like in the Berenstein Bears, "trust, once broken, is not easily mended." I understand not being able to live with someone who has this malady, especially if they're out of control and eSPECially if they are actively harmful. I am so sorry to hear that was your situation. Sometimes you DO have to cut the line and let them float down their own river.
        I think it depends on the rider your bipolar has. ADD/ADHD kinda fits in the same pocket so it's possible my inner controversy wasn't as bad as hers. I was also brought up with art, music and philosophy. The woman above with the schizophrenic rider--OMG! That's a war zone in one head!
        Luckily(?), I never had enough self-esteem to feel I had the right to get out of control, abuse others or spend all the money. I was just plain miserable and didn't know why and my 2 husbands had no idea how to help me. They both had the, "physician, heal thyself" attitude and didn't want to get involved.
        I hope your life is shining now and your daughter has escaped this inherited hell.
  • RE: Help

    This very well may be beyond what you can do on your own, so I strongly suggest that you consider getting professional help. If she will not go alone to a therapist or psychiatrist, then suggest that the two of you go together to address marital issues.
  • 19 days ago

    RE: Help

    Ask your wife to see a counselor and a women's/integrative health specialist. They are specialists who can help her. Hormones change across a women's lifetime and imbalances in them can be a HUGE contributor to depression and anxiety problems. Integrative medicine is important because it looks at the whole system and the balances and imbalances across them. DO NOT believe this is all "in her head" or a problem of "mental instability." It is very likely that she has physiological imbalances that can be helped with hormonal therapy and supplements. And counseling will help her find ways to manage her symptoms better and make healthier choices. It's not an easy step to take. I was having increasingly acute problems with depression and anxiety and went to see a counselor who sent me to an integrative medicine specialist and told me literally all of her patients founds something amiss. Women especially are triggered as they enter peri-menopause and menopause. Specialists can help her. But you can't fix the mental/emotional sickness if your body isn't cooperating. The integrative medicine place I went to specialized in thyroid, hormone and food sensitivity issues. For me they found hormonal imbalances that I'd probably had most of my life and were acutely triggered in the extreme as I was entering peri-menopause. When I addressed those through hormone therapy, supplements, diet and exercise changes that gave me a stable foundation to then make important changes with my self-talk, actions and outlook that had always been problematic. This all helped the mental/emotional issues I was having. But you can't fix the mental/emotional health if your physiological health is out of balance. Women's health is complicated. Don't just see a family practitioner or even endocrine specialists who will just look at parts of the body as if they don't affect each other. Go to an integrative medicine specialist and especially, even better, see specialists in "women's health." Many women have problems with the synthetic hormone therapy that's prescribed by non-women's health specialists so be wary of that and if she needs hormone therapy look for bio-identicals. They are natural and work exactly like your own hormones. Synthetics do not. These have done wonders for me, my marriage, and our family. She also likely needs to hear this from specialists. My husband demanded I do something (see a counselor). I am so grateful that counselor told me all of her patients found something (hormonal imbalance, thyroid imbalance, food sensitivities) that triggered or contributed to their mental/emotional health issues. I thought it was all in my head and my misery was a mental thing, that I wasn't strong enough to fight it. I was afraid to be put on drugs to treat it. Once you get there you do desperate things to just feel okay and survive. I had no idea how important my physical health was or that you could do so many "natural" things to change your mental/emotional health. If your wife does not have a good diet with regular exercise it can affect her mental/emotional health as much as her physical health. And this usually comes first before you have problems with heart disease, liver disease, cancer, etc.. The really bad physical stuff shows up later if you don't address this and the earlier you start addressing it the better chances to live a healthy and balanced life. Don't underestimate that. I had no idea how important diet and exercise is to mental/emotional health. Integrative and women's health specialists will help her pinpoint exactly what her problems are and give her specific things to do. I bet you'll find something there. Hang in there! Love her through it! But tell her that she is putting the family at risk and needs to take action. Counseling + women's health--they will tell her what's going on. She can't hear it from you.
      • 19 days ago
        One other thing... if you think she is having hormonal/menopausal issues those and thyroid problems can also appear like bi-polarity, especially if you tend towards that. I had extreme swings of irritability/manic states and fatigue/depressive states.
      • 16 days ago
        No one ever talked to me about bio-markers, etc, which doesn't surprise me because, historically, bipolar and it's remedy are "new" (1960's?) even though it's been known for years that lithium springs can be healing for some conditions. I will look into this biomarkers further. I know my father and his mother are suspect in the genetic trail.
        They have always kept an eye on my thyroid but it's fine. Healthy eating, enough water and rest, and exercise are big helpers for sure.
        And dietary makes sense--I'm an O blood type and the dietary suggestions play right into what they suggest for a hyper-active child as well as what's suggested in the (JJ) Virgin Diet: she suggests eliminating the 7 common allergienic foods from your diet and then reintroducing them one at a time to see what happens (read the book for details): dairy, gluten, soy, peanuts, corn, eggs and sugar/sweeteners (stevia is okay). These foods can cause hidden inflammation, wreaking all manner of havoc in the physical and "mental" health.
        Integrated, for sure!
  • 11 days ago

    RE: Help

    Sparrowstar, you couldn’t have said it better!! I’ve been bipolar all of my life and am now in my 60’s. But I wasn’t diagnosed until my 40’s and my life has been a living hell of alienation and desertion. My current casualties are my brothers, who need to help me because of a family situation, and their attitude has been less than helpful, causing me great stress and aggravating my symptoms. They now don’t speak to me because they don’t understand and don’t want to. My advice to the husband is learn everything you can about bipolar disease and educate your children. Your wife certainly sounds like she is deep into it. You must love her deeply to want to reach out and that love will take you far. Get individual therapy for her by suggesting maybe that her life could be so much happier if she knew the root cause of her unhappiness, and get couples counseling for you both to help cope with the ins and outs of this devastating disease. With the spending, you must understand that she doesn’t do it on purpose and can’t help herself, but her desire for control is intense and she wants autonomy. Sparrowstar’s advice was perfect on this point. It’s what I’m currently trying to do with my spouse, who, thank god for my sake, is loving, caring and an equal partner. Whatever she does well that’s positive, especially in her creative sense, encourage her to the max. It will give her confidence to seek other things outside of herself. And when she fails, and she will, lift her up and let her know that everything will be OK, that these downfalls never last and that you support her 100%. And teach your kids to do this as well. This, in my experience, helps ease the symptoms some and will make it easier for all concerned. But counseling and possible medication is the key. She won’t get well without it. If your having a problem getting her to go, certainly go to counseling yourself and she may follow suit if she see’s the positive things in you that result from it. Most insurance covers it now. Be positive and be supportive!! Good luck!!
  • RE: Help

    My heart goes out to you because this is such a difficult situation. And perhaps I have missed something, but it sounds like you are unsure of what is going on with your wife. So, while she may have bipolar disorder, as you suggest as a possibility, she also may not. I say this because there is so much discussion here about bipolar disorder, and it is important to keep the current situation of no knowing in mind. For this reason, I hope you have been able - or will find a way to - have her assessed by a professional. (For this reason, I had suggested that if she will not go alone, you might try seeing if she will go with you for marital issues -- but then she can still be assessed in that situation)