• 3 months ago

    please help...seeking marriage advice

    i am 57 year old woman and married for 33 years. my problem is the lack of emotional support and recognition from my non-feeling husband. He is a type A personality who is never wrong, very rarely apologizes, who needs to be in control, who is always the one who works the hardest and always has to be the leader. I consider myself to be passive (I have to be!!) When we have no issues, we get along really well. My problem: whenever we have an argument, He does not give me an inch!!! He never tries to see my side...He has NEVER uttered the words, "I see your point"...... I GET NO VALIDATION whatsoever! It is maddening! I , normally become so upset and frustrated that I just walk away and we don't talk for days. I will spend nights on the couch and he will not even try to reconcile. In all our years together can say with 100% certainty that he has never been the one to reach out to me to end the silence between us. It's as if he really just doesn't care. can anyone share any good advice

Responses

  • 3 months ago

    RE: please help...seeking marriage advice

    Hi You really do need a change in your life, try going away for a month, if you can and don't say where your going, just leave a note saying see you at the end of the month.

    If he asks why just say you know why, and think about it.

    Its a kill or cure thing.

    NOWHARD
      • 3 months ago
        Just a thought, it may prove dangerous. I'd proceed with caution.
  • RE: please help...seeking marriage advice

    This may be obvious, but in order for anything to change, he has to agree to it. If he's totally unwilling to really talk, your options are limited. You might try asking him to go to couples counseling (perhaps citing things he's unhappy with to give him incentive), though it sounds like he's say no given what you've shared. Some people leave to see if it scares their partner into change. The question becomes whether you are willing to end the marriage or risk ending it. If you are, then you might leave with the intention of maintaining a separation or divorce if he does not change.

    It's important to consider carefully whether you really want to stay married. Although it's not this simple, the bottom line question is whether the upsides outweigh the downsides. If nothing changes, you know what you have. Are you willing to risk that for what you might attain by leaving? All of this can be very, very difficult to consider. So, hopefully you have a support system to help you. Feel free to share more here. You might also consider seeking therapy for yourself.
  • 3 months ago

    RE: please help...seeking marriage advice

    Wow! I didn’t know you were married to my husband. Sorry, not trying to make light of your problem at all! If you have your health and can support yourself, this is just my opinion but I would say to leave. I just turned 65, my health is poor, so I’m stuck. He ruined my 65th Bday. No card, gift, dinner, nothing! He’s a control freak. He’s been retired 4 years and I haven’t had one day of fun. No sex, over 23 years now. He seems to sabotage Dr appt’s for me to where I end up canceling. We have 3 pets. We just found out one of our cats has an aggressive form of cancer. God, as I call him was going out for about 20 minutes. The cat had just come home from the vet and was a bit loopy. I told him to put
    him down into family room, he was gonna try to go out the door. Oh no, he says, he’ll be fine. So the control freak comes back and Dewey was ready to run. I have problems with my spine and am not supposed to pick up anything over 8 pounds. I had to pick him up. I haven’t slept since from deep muscle spasms. He never apologizes either, no guilt. Today I was screaming from the pain and crying and he got mad at me. If I can get myself back into reasonable shape to live alone, I’m leaving. Not allowed to give opinions, feelings, nothing!! Sorry this got so long but if you can manage I’d get out. To me, you’re still young.
  • 3 months ago

    RE: please help...seeking marriage advice

    PS just reread your post. We get along too, as long as I act like his little Stepford wife. I’m tired of behaving like a good girl to keep the peace. Best of luck!
  • 3 months ago

    RE: please help...seeking marriage advice

    SWeetheart, get into some counseling for YOUR mental health. there are support groups where you would find the kind of response you need. AND the therapist gives you the tools necessary to handle the situation. NO< YOU ARE NOT CRAZY, altho he will probably tell you that you are. Doing his best to tighten his control over you.If he calls you crazy, well, it takes one to know one. Get some friends that are NOT family. Work harder for your mental health. It is your best option at this time.
  • 3 months ago

    RE: please help...seeking marriage advice

    Sorry to say this but he sounds like every man I have ever been with including my current relationship. Maybe you can try coaxing it out of him.."I see your point, can you see mine?" I just know that locking horns anger on top of more anger never works. A little gentle probing while standing your ground and still being gentle and kind sometimes works a little. Its not easy. And sometimes a little time going by is not a bad thing. Its tough always being the one to have to give in but dont let being right be more important than making up and moving on.
  • 3 months ago

    RE: please help...seeking marriage advice

    You don't say but I assume this has been true for 33 years and is not a new thing. This is his personality and is unlikely to change. Regrettably that places the burden on you. Are there other things about the marriage that are ok? People get married and stay married for a variety of reasons but it does seem clear you will not get emotional support and recognition from your husband. Only you can decide if that is acceptable. Is it possible to focus on the good parts of the marriage and get emotional support elsewhere? If not then its up to you to decide what you can accept and what you cannot.
  • 3 months ago

    RE: please help...seeking marriage advice

    When I was 42 I described my very similar marriage to a therapist. He was a well regarded LCSW with a theology degree, employed by a large church in Atlanta. My children were 8, 10, and 13. He listened to the story of my then 16 year marriage. I understand now that my husband was a narcissistic manipulator. The therapist said "you can save yourself or your marriage but you can't do both. You decide and I will help you do what you choose." Twenty years later, I am so glad that I chose to leave. Those first five years were really hard but I never regretted saving myself rather than the marriage. I have grown in ways I would never have been able to had I stayed in the marriage. My children benefited as well. I'm sure their relationship with their father is better now than it would have been had they grown up in the same home as him. Whether you stay or go, you need a professional who can support you and help you deal with issues. Family and friends are not the same. Good luck!
  • 3 months ago

    RE: please help...seeking marriage advice

    I was married to a guy like that for 23 years. Not good for your mentality and self esteem. I left him and I am strong and wonderful. Sorry not what your looking for?
  • 3 months ago

    RE: please help...seeking marriage advice

    I had a similar marriage, it is called an abusive relationship. We had a beautiful home on the water, a yacht and fine cars. I knew I wasn't happy and wasn't getting the love and respect that I felt I needed and deserved. My family wasn't happy with my husband's disrespectful behavior, either. One day many years ago I was listening to the Reverend Schuylers of the Crystal Cathedral in California as they spoke about the contentious spouse and I realized that I would be happier to have my freedom and live in a shack. After some time in counseling and with help from friends I was able to escape him and leave. I kept it all a secret from him as he would have made it impossible for me to leave.
    I moved into a small house that was a shack compared to where I had been living with my contentious spouse. But I was free and able to do as I please despite my limitations with money. I was exploring a whole new world anyway. It was tough for well over ten years but I never regretted leaving for a minute. Since I left I have enjoyed my life and made many friends and built a new life, and you can do this too. My life has been made richer by the kindness of strangers rather than sharing the misery of an unhappy man who did not appreciate what he had. Oh, he wanted me back but I knew that it was only a play for control. Your husband has control issues and he will never change. The only thing that will change is your health. You will either become sick and depressed if you continue or you will leave and change for the better. This decision is all yours to make. You can stay miserable and unhappy or you can face the challenge of building a better life for yourself. It really is easier once you clear the hurdle and change your life for the better.
      • 3 months ago
        You are right. nothing can be change. get rid of those people is the best option.

        Whoever having this issue should follow.

        from Sab...
  • 2 months ago

    RE: please help...seeking marriage advice

    hi... i know exactly where you're coming from... until recently, i could never figure out why my entire life i've been 'on the wrong end of the stick'... then it hit me... it seems to me that there are 3 different kinds of people, Me, We, and You persons, and after consulting many persons re this, i decided to write a treatise and it's on Kindle Books at www.amazon.com/.../ref ... you can go there and read it in part without paying anything if you want, and just that might give you enough insight re your circumstance... it's not a panacea, but, who knows, it just might fit and give you some different ideas re your circumstance... take care... Skip

    in thinking about your circumstance, and in concert with my personal experiences and those of many others, i have a couple of 'IFs' for you to think about... you'll have to think back and 'honestly' determine who you are and who he is based on the following criteria: 'IF', consistently over time, he's what i call a 'ME' person, in other words, he really doesn't care about you except to satisfy himself and his needs and once his needs are satisfied, he, in so many words, 'throws and/or pushes you away', AND, 'IF' you are what i call a 'YOU' person, which is what i am, and you are more concerned about his health, happiness, and welfare than your own, even to your detriment, then, unless you don't mind being always 'on the wrong end of the stick' or are a masochist and don't mind being abused, mentally and/or physically, you'll likely have trouble, forever, unless HE changes and becomes more of a 'YOU' person (even then, unless you two are the same level 'YOU' persons and are truly 'more' concerned about each other than yourselves, you might always have some level of trouble in your relationship, which i think is the 'plight' of most relationships)... it sounds like this 'might' be the circumstance between you two, but, again, only you know exactly what the real deal is... if you both are 'ME' or upper level 'WE' persons, which is what i call persons who fall between the 'ME' and 'YOU' extremes, then your problems are a bit different based on my experience and those of others i've discussed this kind of thing with... based on my experience, the more 'two' people gravitate toward the 'ME' category, the more consistent trouble, and, two hard core 'ME' persons will likely always have trouble... NOTE: 'IF' a 'YOU' person changes and becomes more of a 'ME' person, their circumstance will likely worsen... again, only you two really know what the real deal is, and, again, what i've said above is not a panacea, but, 'IF', in my terms, he's a real 'ME' and you are a real 'YOU', that could be a very troublesome relationship... 'IF' the real deal is the opposite, and he's negatively reacting to you being a 'ME' and your lack of concern about him, it's the same thing and your relationship will likely always be difficult unless, depending on the real deal, you or he don't mind being on the 'wrong end of the stick'... again, only you two know what the real deal is and who each of you 'really' is... think about it... it just might be you who needs to change??? FYI, they say that 'opposites attract', and they do, but if one is a 'ME' and the other is a 'YOU', watch out, that 'could' be a toxic relationship as long as it lasts... in concert with other posts, in my terms, a 'narcissist' is a likely a hard core 'ME' person, and a 'martyr' would likely be some level of a 'YOU' person!!! i think each of us, if we want to have the best relationships possible, has to do some soul searching and do our best to 'honestly' determine just who we are, a 'ME', 'WE' or a 'YOU' person, and to know and temper our relationships based on the reality of who we really are and who we are truly dealing with...
  • 2 months ago

    RE: please help...seeking marriage advice

    What a drag! It troubles me to hear about women who are in this position. You have a real hole to dig out of. I hate to be rude, but you are married to one of the biggest AH's I have ever heard of. How on God's earth did you last this long w/ that POS? He is an embarrassment to the rest of us men. I have no kind words for him. Dump that nasty SOB tomorrow and move along. I am 99% certain that his abusive meanness is so engrained that he is beyond help via a counselor. Only on very rare instances do I encourage divorce, but I will now. There is a slim-to-none chance that his eyes will open when you hand him "the papers", but don't hold your breath and don't let the door hit you in the butt on the way out. There are many good men out there, should you choose to entertain that avenue a few years down the road. Be strong, and be a survivor.
      • 2 months ago
        BTW: Your idiot is not a type A; I am a type A, and very busy all the time. THAT is type A. You are married to a type AH; please don't confuse us! : )
      • 2 months ago
        It is looking like type A person better as a husband rather than type AH.
  • 2 months ago

    RE: please help...seeking marriage advice

    I’m reading all the replies.
    I responded earlier that I lived a life like that too for 23 yrs. he was a Dr Jeckel Mr Hyde. Loving but verbally, mentally and physically abusive when he was angry and extremely Jeleous!
    Left 17 years ago and I am happier than I could ever imagine. I have a perfect life. I’m lucky.
    You asked for help....But sweety, you are the ONLY one who can help you.
    Leave that SOB, go somewhere safe and file for divorce. In a year you’ll be settled and much happier. The hardest part is walking out, for fear of change, but you need to do that. The change will do you good. And happiness will follow you.
  • 2 months ago

    RE: please help...seeking marriage advice

    I have lived with the same situation but in the opposite. It's not just men that can be that way. I feel for you and hope you have the will to not let it get to you
      • 2 months ago
        I see, your wife controlling you. How??? is she ordering you to clear the house, cook food for lunch and dinner, to do laundry, organizing the home and making sure everything is in place, and if have kids so you are the one feeding the kids, keep an eye on kids, help them to change their cloths, diapers, expending time with them, and help the kids to finish their homework for school, and plus helping her financially as well, making good relationship with in laws and relatives and cook food for then when they like to visit. So, in this men power world you are doing all this. So sad.
  • 2 months ago

    RE: please help...seeking marriage advice

    Same problem. My husband was a Viet Nam veteran. Lots of demons that go with that. When he started threatening to kill us both, my son talked me into leaving. You are probably wondering why I needed to be talked into it, but I did leave. My deal to return was that he seek counseling. He finally did through the Veteran's Hospital. That didn't come in time. He committed suicide while on cocaine. He wasn't strong enough to wait.

    I can say that leaving was the best thing I did. The feeling of complete freedom was unimaginable. Not having to get permission. Not being the scapegoat. The ability to make my own decisions. Having good friends and family that were there for me probably made it possible to survive. It took a couple years and some counseling. I can say that his decision making was better than mine is now.

    I guess I would have you ask yourself if this is the way you want to live the rest of your life? You are probably not going to get your husband to change. I'm sure he is totally happy with the way his life is. The biggest sign of a Narcissist is their lack of empathy. You will not make him feel bad.

    So, is your happiness more important to you than his happiness? For 32 years, it was 'no' for me. I was a Martyr, and very proud of it. Are you a Martyr, or do you want to be happy? A very good friend told me she was tired of hearing my complaining. Unless I was willing to do something to change my situation, she didn't want to hear about it anymore. She was spot on.

    Yes. It's an incredibly hard decision to make. I truly wish you all the best. You deserve a happier life.
      • 2 months ago
        sorry to hear about you and your ex. war can really tweak a brain.
      • 2 months ago
        Good idea.. war can create by doing tweak a brain..
      • 2 months ago
        Your so right.
        My X was a Vietnam vet. I have the same story. But left after 23 years Too long!
      • 2 months ago
        even though you took the decision after 23 years, you made a good decision.