• 21 days ago

    please help...seeking marriage advice

    i am 57 year old woman and married for 33 years. my problem is the lack of emotional support and recognition from my non-feeling husband. He is a type A personality who is never wrong, very rarely apologizes, who needs to be in control, who is always the one who works the hardest and always has to be the leader. I consider myself to be passive (I have to be!!) When we have no issues, we get along really well. My problem: whenever we have an argument, He does not give me an inch!!! He never tries to see my side...He has NEVER uttered the words, "I see your point"...... I GET NO VALIDATION whatsoever! It is maddening! I , normally become so upset and frustrated that I just walk away and we don't talk for days. I will spend nights on the couch and he will not even try to reconcile. In all our years together can say with 100% certainty that he has never been the one to reach out to me to end the silence between us. It's as if he really just doesn't care. can anyone share any good advice

Responses

  • 20 days ago

    RE: please help...seeking marriage advice

    Hi You really do need a change in your life, try going away for a month, if you can and don't say where your going, just leave a note saying see you at the end of the month.

    If he asks why just say you know why, and think about it.

    Its a kill or cure thing.

    NOWHARD
  • RE: please help...seeking marriage advice

    This may be obvious, but in order for anything to change, he has to agree to it. If he's totally unwilling to really talk, your options are limited. You might try asking him to go to couples counseling (perhaps citing things he's unhappy with to give him incentive), though it sounds like he's say no given what you've shared. Some people leave to see if it scares their partner into change. The question becomes whether you are willing to end the marriage or risk ending it. If you are, then you might leave with the intention of maintaining a separation or divorce if he does not change.

    It's important to consider carefully whether you really want to stay married. Although it's not this simple, the bottom line question is whether the upsides outweigh the downsides. If nothing changes, you know what you have. Are you willing to risk that for what you might attain by leaving? All of this can be very, very difficult to consider. So, hopefully you have a support system to help you. Feel free to share more here. You might also consider seeking therapy for yourself.
  • 18 days ago

    RE: please help...seeking marriage advice

    Wow! I didn’t know you were married to my husband. Sorry, not trying to make light of your problem at all! If you have your health and can support yourself, this is just my opinion but I would say to leave. I just turned 65, my health is poor, so I’m stuck. He ruined my 65th Bday. No card, gift, dinner, nothing! He’s a control freak. He’s been retired 4 years and I haven’t had one day of fun. No sex, over 23 years now. He seems to sabotage Dr appt’s for me to where I end up canceling. We have 3 pets. We just found out one of our cats has an aggressive form of cancer. God, as I call him was going out for about 20 minutes. The cat had just come home from the vet and was a bit loopy. I told him to put
    him down into family room, he was gonna try to go out the door. Oh no, he says, he’ll be fine. So the control freak comes back and Dewey was ready to run. I have problems with my spine and am not supposed to pick up anything over 8 pounds. I had to pick him up. I haven’t slept since from deep muscle spasms. He never apologizes either, no guilt. Today I was screaming from the pain and crying and he got mad at me. If I can get myself back into reasonable shape to live alone, I’m leaving. Not allowed to give opinions, feelings, nothing!! Sorry this got so long but if you can manage I’d get out. To me, you’re still young.
  • 18 days ago

    RE: please help...seeking marriage advice

    PS just reread your post. We get along too, as long as I act like his little Stepford wife. I’m tired of behaving like a good girl to keep the peace. Best of luck!
  • 18 days ago

    RE: please help...seeking marriage advice

    SWeetheart, get into some counseling for YOUR mental health. there are support groups where you would find the kind of response you need. AND the therapist gives you the tools necessary to handle the situation. NO< YOU ARE NOT CRAZY, altho he will probably tell you that you are. Doing his best to tighten his control over you.If he calls you crazy, well, it takes one to know one. Get some friends that are NOT family. Work harder for your mental health. It is your best option at this time.
  • 14 days ago

    RE: please help...seeking marriage advice

    Sorry to say this but he sounds like every man I have ever been with including my current relationship. Maybe you can try coaxing it out of him.."I see your point, can you see mine?" I just know that locking horns anger on top of more anger never works. A little gentle probing while standing your ground and still being gentle and kind sometimes works a little. Its not easy. And sometimes a little time going by is not a bad thing. Its tough always being the one to have to give in but dont let being right be more important than making up and moving on.
  • 13 days ago

    RE: please help...seeking marriage advice

    You don't say but I assume this has been true for 33 years and is not a new thing. This is his personality and is unlikely to change. Regrettably that places the burden on you. Are there other things about the marriage that are ok? People get married and stay married for a variety of reasons but it does seem clear you will not get emotional support and recognition from your husband. Only you can decide if that is acceptable. Is it possible to focus on the good parts of the marriage and get emotional support elsewhere? If not then its up to you to decide what you can accept and what you cannot.
  • 7 days ago

    RE: please help...seeking marriage advice

    When I was 42 I described my very similar marriage to a therapist. He was a well regarded LCSW with a theology degree, employed by a large church in Atlanta. My children were 8, 10, and 13. He listened to the story of my then 16 year marriage. I understand now that my husband was a narcissistic manipulator. The therapist said "you can save yourself or your marriage but you can't do both. You decide and I will help you do what you choose." Twenty years later, I am so glad that I chose to leave. Those first five years were really hard but I never regretted saving myself rather than the marriage. I have grown in ways I would never have been able to had I stayed in the marriage. My children benefited as well. I'm sure their relationship with their father is better now than it would have been had they grown up in the same home as him. Whether you stay or go, you need a professional who can support you and help you deal with issues. Family and friends are not the same. Good luck!