• 3 months ago

    I really need some guidance

    Okay, so this is kind of embarrassing, but I'm not very vanilla at all. In fact, I'm incredibly kinky. My boyfriend is very vanilla in comparison to me and I'm okay with that. I want to stop being attracted to all of these extremes and just be normal. It physically hurts my heart to realize how different we are and I want to stop being attracted to many of my kinks. Can anyone please give me some advice on how to retrain myself to be less attracted to kinky things, or how I can limit my libido? Thanks, I really need the help.

Responses

  • 3 months ago

    RE: I really need some guidance

    Listen to me - you ARE normal. It's just that your normal and your boyfriend's normal are two entirely different things. You want to limit your libido ... so it seems your boyfriend has less of a drive than you? You want an exciting and varied sex life and your boyfriend doesn't? Basically, you are asking how you can be someone you're not, right? Answer: you can't, at least not for any length of time.

    Sexually, you and your boyfriend are very mismatched. I suggest you find someone who is better matched to your libido and your desires rather than trying to force yourself to change.
  • RE: I really need some guidance

    There are different ways to think about your problem. The path you decide to follow will depend who you are, your boyfriend is, and how the two of you are together -- all beyond what we can know from this thread. It helps to begin with the understanding that everyone is different, with different needs and different desires. There is nothing wrong with that -- and in fact, it makes the world more interesting and is worth celebrating.

    Rather than thinking about this as your problem to fix, you might want to think about it as an issue you both need to work on. Talk. Try to understand each other. There may be ways you can restrain from acting on some of your interests and ways that he can explore outside his comfort zone. By working together, you might feel closer to each other and find a way to make your sexual life work for both of you. The truth is that no two people are the same, so all couples need to find ways to bridge gaps between them -- whether sexually or in other areas.

    That said, the two of you may simply be too different. Couples are not always able to bridge the gaps between them or somehow make their relationship work well with certain gaps. And if that is the case, you might need to say good-bye to each other, hopefully moving on to someone else who is more compatible.

    I wish you well as you work on this with (or without) your boyfriend.
  • 3 months ago

    RE: I really need some guidance

    Hi First what ever you don't take anything that will lower you libido, as you may never get it up again when you need it.

    Your sexual awakenings are so different that your both a complete mismatch sexually.

    You really do need to find a partner who match's your libido and your sexual idea's, it could that what you call kinky, could classed very normal.

    NOWHARD
  • 3 months ago

    RE: I really need some guidance

    Oh Hun, I think it's impossible to change. You are what you are. Changing your sexual " needs" would be like a gay person changing theirs. I don't think it's possible. In time, and probably a very long time, you might get him to become a little more kinky. But I am afraid if you stay in this relationship, you will be fantasizing and masturbating ALOT! Some people are born with the Divine gift of debauchery,,, and sadly, others are not.
      • 1 month ago
        Ummm, gay people change their minds ( go straight) every day. Alot of times, it's that simple. They were brainwashed.
  • 3 months ago

    RE: I really need some guidance

    Kinky, What is kinky, you do something to your body that turns you on and you really enjoy doing it, to others would say kinky to many of us we no not kinky.

    I sit here all very naked is it kinky? no its just what some of us being a naturists do, its called being a buffer.

    What's kinky and what's not is a very fine line to how its perceived, and you say you have a high libido, great keep it do not try and lower it, just find a partner who match's you and not the other way round, or your future life will be hell.

    NOWHARD
  • 3 months ago

    RE: I really need some guidance

    First, you ARE normal and your needs are valid. In my first marrige, my wife knew one position and one position only, missonary. What a waste! She bored me to death. We've long since divorced.
      • 1 month ago
        Yep, this is a sticky issue, for sure, but I have to say, the short answer is, to be really happy, you need to find a partner who is on the same page as you, because the problem is, to someone not "kinky", they're repulsed by it and their repulsion will definitely be directed at you, too. Btw, "kinky" is a WIDE spectrum, when you say "incredibly kinky", what do you mean by that, exactly? "Kinky" DOES get into the "abnormal" ( read that-deviant, criminal, etc) range, too and DOES need to be fixed. IF your kinky is degrading or harming someone else or yourself, then it's NOT OK.
      • Very good points about healthy versus unhealthy!
      • 1 month ago
        "Healthy vs unhealthy"- Yes, there's a multi billion dollar industry addressing that issue. One of my first college classes was Abnormal Psychology. I wanted to know how normal ( or how far from normal) I was...lol Since then, I've spent my adult life on a campiagn to wipe out dysfunctions in famililes. I believe that most of us come from dysfunctional families, but no matter how terribly dysfunctional, it becomes familiar to us, in fact a "comfort zone", so we grow up and go out into the world, yet stay in that "Comfort zone" and subconsciously seek out those same dysfunctions when selecting our mates (someone feels "familiar" to you. Like you've known them a long time- not them, the dysfunction). Or "looking for love in all the wrong places" (The fact is, love is not "out there"-why you never find it- love comes from inside us. We HAVE to learn to love ourself, before we can ever love anyone else). OF course, it always fails. Alot of folks have children, thinking that that will "fix things", but in fact, it makes it worse and so another generation grows up dysfunctional and so on and so on. At some point, someone has to break that cycle and become healthy. IMO, it should be mandatory to take classes to address that in HS, before folks can get married or have kids.
  • 1 month ago

    RE: I really need some guidance

    Thank you for posting your question. I note that you have a lot courage. Many people with this difficulty may not be brave enough to speak up.
    I also note that you also seem to know the "kinky things" you want to give up. The processes involved are difficult but given your level of motivation you should be able to achieve your goal(s).
    First off - please consider seeing your GP. Request him to check out your sex hormones. If these need adjustment he/she will be able to help you. If you have any psychiatric difficulty please obtain for it before you engage in my recommendations.
    Behavioural Issues. Factual statement, "We tend to reinforce behaviours from which we get pleasure." Then we end up doing those behaviours until they become routine or normal for us.
    How to extinguish "bad behaviours or kinky behaviours." You have voluntary control over your behaviour. Mind talk yourself into not performing the kinky behaviours. This will not be easy. You will need to try and give up associated behaviours or friends who "trigger" the need to engage in such behaviours. If you are desperate to give up these consider changing friends, location, employment, residence etc. Give up activities which "lead to" those behaviours. Finally, start by decreasing the frequency of such behaviours and eventually you will be able to say good-bye to kinky behaviours.
    I hope this helped.
      • 1 month ago
        Why does he/she need to change his/her sexual preferences? You are going on the assumption that these preferences are unhealthy or dangerous. I think more information is needed before we can say that he/she should work on changing his/herself. Are your behaviors hurting anyone physically or emotionally? Do they involve only consenting adults? Could they cause health problems for anyone involved? If the answer to these questions is no, then maybe consider how important these practices are to you and if giving htem up is worth staying with your partner. Or you could try gently getting your partner out of his comfort zone step by step without causing him too much distress.
      • 1 month ago
        Which is why I asked directtly, " What do you mean by "Incredibly kinky"?
  • 1 month ago

    RE: I really need some guidance

    Hi, been there, done that. In other words, my ex. wife was a "Plain Vanilla" lover as well. The one time I convinced her to try a different position, she never would try it again. (It was nothing kinky.)
    The bottom line here is: your fantasies and extremes are NOT going to change. You will be drawn in that direction as long as you are not getting "satisfaction". If you can manage to have a direct, honest discussion with your husband, you will most likely find that he is not going to change. I'm sorry but, I think that your marriage is in serious trouble as far as "bedroom" activities are concerned. Good luck.
  • 19 days ago

    RE: I really need some guidance

    I really do understand your situation. I am a man in absolutely the opposite situation. My wife is very vanilla and in to the old stereotypes about men and women and their roles. I went through a stage when I was trying to find a way to push back my kinkiness as well as limiting my libido in order to make things more comfortable for her.
    Over time I have realized that I am who I am, and I can not change who I am, to make her happy. I have tried to do everything that I can to make my kinks more comfortable for her but it never seems to work the only change that she wants me to make is to get rid of my kinks completely.
    If you change yourself too much to make him happy you will resent him. you are not bad because your are kinky. You do not need to fix your kinks as you are not broken. You don't need to adjust your libido to make him happy. Liking sex is really not a bad thing lots of men and women really like sex. Just because he does not like it as much as you do, does not make you wrong.
    Like myself, if you want to make it work you will have to find ways to fulfil your kinks alone. You will have to do all that you can to get him in the mood more often and masturbate a little here and there.
    I am obviously not the relationship guru or I would not be in the same situation as you are. I am for ever making adjustments at home trying to make it work. I love her very much.