• 3 months ago

    I just don't know what to do !!!

    Hi, I have been married to my husband for 17 and a half years. He is for the most part a loving, caring man and I love him very much. My problem(s) is I feel like he takes me for granted at times, and there is no communication!!! I mean no talking about life,us, nothing. I left him in 2016 bc I just had to get away from it, and him, I was gone for a year. I feel like absolutely nothing has changed. We haven't had sex in at least 6 maybe 7years...and I really don't even have the need/want, and he doesn't pressure me. Sometimes I cringe when he touches me, I feel like there is something wrong with me. I regret moving back at times. I just honestly don't know what to do!!!! Help

Responses

  • 3 months ago

    RE: I just don't know what to do !!!

    Why did you decide to move back? What were you hoping for?
  • 3 months ago

    RE: I just don't know what to do !!!

    Hi I would say move and never go back, time to restart your life but along way away, get a complete clean break.

    NOWHARD
  • RE: I just don't know what to do !!!

    Woah... this is a tough situation but really unless you guys have children under the age of 18 you're stuck in between a hard place and a soft cuddly toy. You obviously think he's a nice guy that's great but its not rest of your life great. the fact that you cringe when he touches you makes it that much simpler. You're not meant to be together, you can be friends but much more than that doesn't really make sense.

    You need to get your life back, those 17 years don't have to be a complete waste you can use that experience when finding a new partner look for things you liked about him and avoid things you didn't.

    But my advice would be take some time alone get away from him for a while. go out with your close friends discuss this with them, and after some time try to see or talk to someone who you've always been interested in, they might be single and if not probably have a friend that is, and if that person is friends with the guy your interested in chances are they are similar.

    What IS clear is that your situation is not healthy and its best to leave and find a new path.

    INMY20s
  • 3 months ago

    RE: I just don't know what to do !!!

    If you do not have kids then you do not have any attachment with him. you can lead you life by your own. but if you think you may go back to him meaning you still love him. which will make you go back to him. and if really do back to him you better settle with him that what do you want and you better let him know the reason for you left and come back. make it clear everything with him. so that you will not face the same issue. but if you fall into other person and if the person want you then i would say you can move forward for new relationship to make yourself happy.

    break up is not easy. it is painful. so you have to be strong mentally.

    good luck

    from,
    Sabrina
  • 3 months ago

    RE: I just don't know what to do !!!

    Hi please take this matter very seriously. Reading your post is a mirror image of my current relationship? I have made the terrible mistake of staying with my man for 34years a complete waste of my life. I kept feeling sorry for him and therefore thinking time would heal, ha! I have taken him to Relate, have written him letters, tried to converse with him all to no avail. He has had invites to mates weddings and not even mentioned them to me. He recently took it upon himself to book his holiday for both the Christmas and New Year holiday with no discussion with me at all. So had I not invited my parents up I would have been off on my own. I am in a really sticky situation at the moment due to my stupidity not looking after myself financially. This farce has nearly destroyed me, I had forgotten how to laugh, become depressed without even realising it. I hope I can leave my situation soon. Look up "fear of intimacy" but please move on and don't look back, don't waste your life and time.
      • 3 months ago
        If you can afford to support yourself living alone, please save yourself and leave him! I’ll be 65 next month, married almost 40 years. Five years in he cheated for no good reason. Some co-worker that wanted him and went for it. He was away on business. Ha! When I found out I regret not leaving then, but I stayed. Twenty-three years ago something very unfair happened to him at his work. He dealt with it by plunging us 70K in debt and cutting me off
        from sex. I couldn’t make this up, 23 yrs no intimacy. I often wonder if the situation was reversed how many affairs he would’ve had. Like a fool I stayed thinking it would get better. It never did. No vacation since our honeymoon—nothing. I’m stuck. I don’t love him anymore. This is what he expects from me...give no opinions, suggestions, not allowed to get hurt or angry. If I get hurt or angry, he gets mad at me. He’s trained me like a dog. We argue every few days. I’m too sick to live alone. If you want to end up like me, then stay. But if I could do it over again I’d have thrown him out 5 years in. This is the worst type of loneliness. Please take care of you! I wasted my life taking care of him, a wasted life. Good luck!!
      • 3 months ago
        I have felt the same for years. I have forgotten to be human. I only new hurt, pain, betrayal and distrust. I’m in a relationship with a man of kids from different mothers. I thought at first it would be easy because they’re all adults until it wasn’t. I tried to look the other way but living in a house where I did not have a clue what had happened to his past relationships made me very unhappy. He promised before that we’d move but it changed knowing that his family lives around him. I guess we stuck with each other because we don’t want to live alone because we’re getting older but the reality is, I think we’re or I can say I’m living in a make believe. I’m still holding on to that promise that maybe,someday we’ll start our new life together elsewhere. In a house where I can be who I am.
        We just have to be strong. I don’t know what’s gonna come but I always pray that he’d make a clever decision.
  • 3 months ago

    RE: I just don't know what to do !!!

    I so know where you are, being married 23 yrs n no sex what so ever, no communication at all, never has n never will. I learned to accept this in the early years, but in the past 10 yrs there have been much evidence through actions to enlighten me as to reasons for this and at 67 I am at a crossroads in life, do I stay or do I go? I know your pain n anguish
      • 3 months ago
        Today was the last straw. I’m profoundly hard of hearing so when he’s out I text him. Never read my texts until it was too late. Stopped at the store to buy his milk for his cereal. No thought of other things we need. So selfish. He knows I’m a fall risk, could’ve fallen and broke a bone. We can’t talk without it going into an argument. I have a heart problem I’ve had 3 meals in the past week. He’s in his own little world. BTW, I’m the one that hasn’t had sex in 23 years, he got us into a ton of debt, cheated 5 years in. I’m actually suicidal but I don’t want to end up in Hell because he’s a rotten worthless husband. But he isn’t really a husband. Just some jerk I made the mistake of marrying. So I’m leaving next year, but not before all my demands are met. I put 40 years into this. I’m taking him to the cleaners. I’m done. I will focus on ME now. A person can only take so much emotional abuse and he’s an expert at that.
      • 3 months ago
        "Today was the last straw. I’m profoundly hard of hearing so when he’s out I text him"...OMG, you sound like me!! I'm with ya sister
  • 3 months ago

    RE: I just don't know what to do !!!

    This has turned out to be a long post. You may want to just read a section of it at a time & then think about it, then let it go before you come back to another idea. I hope at least some of it will be helpful to you! It's based on my own struggles with moving toward being an authentic & loving human being and work I've done with others on the journey.

    It's hard to know what's his "problem" and what's your "problem." Read "problem" to mean "fear, secret, longing, lack of interest, insecurity, difficulty revealing self, confusion, desire, lack of knowledge, expectation" all rolled up in one.

    You say, "He is for the most part a loving, caring man." What does that mean to you? What is the part of him that you see as being "a loving, caring man"?

    Have you sat down recently and written down the things that make you see him as loving & caring? (it can be a good exercise to do over, say, a month: once a day, jot down someplace only you will see the answer to 1 of these questions:
    why am I thankful for him?
    what has he done or said today that shows love?
    what is something I admire him for being passionate about, caring deeply about?
    what has he done that made me proud to be part of his life?
    what has he done today that has made my life or the life of some person or some creature I care about better/more fun/ happier?)

    Do you tell him that you see that loving, caring part of him and it's important to you? Do you find ways to nurture that part of him?

    What does he see of you, your words & their tone, your touch, your physical stance & expression, your choices, your actions that show you as being a loving, caring person?

    Does he love you as you are -- confused, insecure, lonely, frustrated, angry, pushing him away, hurting, plus all the good stuff? Do you, can you, love him in that way?

    Do you know, specifically, what he does/says or doesn't say that makes you feel taken for granted? Have you ever said something about it, like, "When you just sit and read the newspaper to yourself at dinner, I feel like you see me as being just an empty chair at the table." In other words, describe what he does/doesn't do, and how you feel when it happens. (without accusing him of doing it deliberately, or saying things like "you always," "you never.")

    Have you ever tried asking him if he'd like to do ______ with you [something with you that the 2 of you don't usually do & that you could talk about afterwards. Say, seeing the documentary film about Mr. Rogers, or some other movie or play that has something to interest you both; trying an introductory session of a sport -- bowling, archery, sledding, snorkeling; take a tap dancing or pottery lesson; go to a service at a temple / church /mosque /etc.; try a sing-along; build a big snowperson; go snorkeling; etc.]?

    You say "Sometimes I cringe when he touches me." Do you know why that is? Or why you haven't had sex for so long? Have you ever initiated it, or tried to? Have you said anything to him about why you cringe? It sounds to me as if you may be sending him pretty strong signals that you don't want to be physically intimate with him. Is that the message you want to send? Have you/can you put into words just for yourself what you really are feeling when you cringe? Fear? Disgust? Shame? That he doesn't really care about him? That you're clueless about how to bridge the gap between the 2 of you?

    And, of course, you could find a good marriage therapist you both feel comfortable working with (even though you both may feel uncomfortable talking to him/her about what's hurting.)

    I wish you courage, a brave journey of discovery, and joy!
      • 3 months ago
        Typo, almost at the end, sentence after "Disgust? Shame?" should read "That he doesn't really care about YOU?" But whether or not you each care for yourself is also an important one!!
      • 3 months ago
        For Spescaritas,
        I read your long post a couple of times. While you bring up some good ideas, it sounds like the woman should do all the work. It takes 2 to repair a broken marriage and if one of the partners gives the silent treatment like a child until I go into a rage, as he calls it, then what? Yes, I’ve suggested let’s do this or that, go here or there. Nothing, nothing, nothing. After almost 40 years and now he’s retired for over 3 years, I haven’t had ONE fun day. No sex for 23 years. That’s his sin. Withholding sex from a spouse is a sin, right along with the adultery he committed. If a person can die of loneliness I hope to be dead before the end of the year.
      • you're not trapped either you know... if you feel like you are and that you can't leave with him. it's just you putting those mental barriers on yourself. If like you said you'd rather die at the end of the year rather that staying alive with him then that's just tragic and I feel like you're not doing yourself justice. leave and if you die without him at least you'll die knowing that after 23 years or however long you've known that he wasn't for you, you finally did something good for yourself and took hold of your life.

        INMY20s
      • 3 months ago
        To "Anonymous" who wrote " if one of the partners gives the silent treatment like a child until I go into a rage, as he calls it, then what?" --

        What I wrote was for the "Anonymous" who started this thread and wrote that the husband "is for the most part a loving, caring man and I love him very much. "

        Despite the feelings that original post in this thread triggers for you, that couple appears to have quite a different relationship (or potential relationship) from the one you are in. It's difficult to say much about yours, as I can't be sure which "Anonymous" posts are yours and which belong to a different "Anonymous."

        I don't believe "the woman should do all the work," but she can have an impact on the relationship if she's willing to do her part of the work. Emotional intimacy is hard work for many, maybe all, of us. It would be nice if we all learned how to work at it, and got over the hurts and rejections we have felt throughout our lives. It would be amazing and life giving if we knew our wrong-doings, the bad, even terrible, things we have done were forgiven by the one(s) we have crushed, wounded so deeply, pushed away. And that we let new life come out of that. But pain & fear & guilt & loss & rejection are all dreadfully hard to let go of. Especially if one has to do it all alone.

        Do you have friends? Do you ever do fun things with them? Just play, like children?

        Have you ever forgiven your husband for anything, even just some trivial thing? Has he ever forgiven you for anything?

        Do you have friends you can have fun with? Hobbies you enjoy?

        Have you ever been to any kind of counselor or therapist to help you deal with all the pain in your life & with how you might be able to heal or let go some of it?

        I admit, I'm not sure why you've stayed in this marriage all these years. Unless it's to punish your husband.

        I think justaguyinhis20s' post is worth your seriously pondering. You must have some kind of social service agencies where you are who could help you negotiate the transition to life on your own or with others.
  • 2 months ago

    RE: I just don't know what to do !!!

    You know what you need, you have already experienced that freedom, get somebody to walk with you and go beck to that freedom, You cant change him, unless he wants to change!!! Compare him to a rock, you can over time wear it down, but unfortunately you still have a rock. Go find your cuddly teddy bear, unfortunately you cant find him until you release yourself from the rock.