• 10 days ago

    Siblings hated me since early age, I was from a different father, anyone going through the same situation or advice?

    Siblings hated me since early age, I was from a different father, anyone going through the same situation or advice?I was born in 1980, my mom was married before me and had 4 kids, their dad died in 1976. I always thought he was my dad because my mom never told me otherwise until my older sister born in 1968 told me when I was 8 that my dad was this and that and im not their younger sister by blood. When I was 27 I learnt that they never loved me because they always felt like my mom was more loving towards me than them, I have an 11 year old now and they are now transferring that hatred to him, claiming that my mom adores my son more than her other grandchildren, every year in xmas I always spent alone, as my mom would be visiting her oldest daughter, it came to a point where I stopped buying their affection or even wanting affirmation from them that I was worthy to be loved, now this year and last year, and the year before that, my son could not spend xmas with his granny and other grandchildren because of reasons which they used on me while I was growing up. Im trying to equip my son with emotional strength and coping with the rejection because I went through the same thing, now he is depressed and my mom or my older sister have never been able to keep the family together through talks and communication platforms, I dread the road my son is going to travel because once my mom dies, I will be his only relative. I never knew relatives from my father's side but now I think its time I go looking for them, so that my son can have cousins and family to relate to, once I am gone. It hurts so much that children born of the same mom, can treat each other this way, anyone going through the same thing? or knowing someone who is going through the same thing? a little positive encouragement can really help because little inside, im starting to despise my mom, for not putting her foot down but then again, what can she do, you cannot make people love you.

Responses

  • RE: Siblings hated me since early age, I was from a different father, anyone going through the same situation or advice?

    There are some situations that are painful no matter how you look at them. And this is one of them. That said, I'm wondering whether you have talked about this with your mother and whether you feel close with your mother. If you don't feel close or there are issues that you think can be talked through, then maybe it would be worth working on that relationship -- both for yourself and for your son.

    While there are definite advantages to having extended family, it's no a panacea either. And you are not alone in not having much of an extended family, or much of one that you are close with. So rather than focus on what you don't have, you might find it helpful to focus on what you do have or what you can build. Again, this might mean strengthening the relationship with your mother. It might mean looking at current friends, seeing if any of them can be like your family; or if there is the possibility of nurturing that. Or, it might looking for someplace where you can start such relationships with others -- e.g your church or temple, a group of others who share similar interests. In the meantime, it's essential that you continue nurturing a loving relationship with your son.

    As for your son, he has you and your mother. And while not a large family, that is a family. If he feels loved and supported, that can carry him far. Someday he may have the opportunity to start his own family... and hopefully that will bring you both greater joy.
      • 9 days ago
        It feels so good to hear you say that, family does not have to be blood only. I don't have a close relationship with my mother, atleast the way I would like to but my son and her are very close, just that during this time, she has to play both ways, satisfy her children from the marriage and for the 1st time in years, I start to feel that im not one of her kids, her marriage kids, im an outsider...you know I grew up with my older brother telling me that, I was a *** and do not know who my real father was, I am mixed blood and im not 100% black as he would say and he would say I must stop calling myself by their surname because it's not really mine, so all these said, I grew up hating my existence and this caused me to reach out into the world and I started buying affection to a point whereby I would also send them xmas presents, even if I never got anything in return, called them on their birthdays but no one can call in to say happy birthday to my son, I survived on the fakeness, and now that I stopped it, I kind of feel empty at times whereby I would not even have enough strength to instill into my son, but this time around, im brooding in my heart, because he is crying and cannot help but feel like an outsider and I see me, in him, while I was growing up, so I have decided to go for counseling because I had thought those demons were dead in me, I am relieving what I went through but I am doing it, through the pain I see in my son's eyes, so I think he deserves counseling too because atleast he has me, and its my duty to make him feel loved, I hope one day he grows up to be successful and never feel the need to depend on anyone's affirmation, that he is worthy to be loved and that he did not do anything wrong, so I am telling him now as he is now old enough to understand, I tell him that it has nothing to do with him, its me they have a problem with, you know while growing up, I would secretly buy groceries while visitng my sisters because one never felt free enough to eat anything, without them hinting that they are feeling used financially, but whn I brought groceries, they would say "oh, how could u, there are so many things to eat" but the cold drinks and the samba chips would be hidden away, so last year my son visited one of my sisters and whenever I would go see him in the afternoon, he would secretly whisper that he has not eaten anything, and he was scared to say that he is hungry....their children are now doing this to my son and when I arrive there, they pretend like all is fine, even take out odd rands and take my son to the shop...only cause im there..not knowing that he has secretly told me that he hasn't eaten a thing...so sad you know....I never thought one day I would break free from those chains but I did eventually and now the bondage seems to be creeping up on my life through my son, so im going to try my level best to equip him with self love and acceptance...I suffered a lot...to make matters worse, when I eventually met my father at 30 years, he must have been demented cause he said he wanted to share a bed with me cause I look like my mom...so that was the worst heartbreak, i could not brag to them that I now know my father...the shame...he died a year later but atleast I knew him, kept contacts of his family side but we lost touch through the years, partly because of what my dad said to me...but now im thinking of finding aunts and uncles...I believe in my heart there is someone in my dad's family who loved him so much, they would transfer that love to my son and I. I may be too positive but its worth trying...thank you for the wise words I really appreciate them so much, its hard to trust people for me, in fear of hurt and being rejected...
      • I find it inspiring to hear the hope you have for yourself and your son, given what you have gone through and are going through. I hope you continue to find an inner strength to keep growing, finding inner love, acceptance, and compassion, as well as finding those things in healthy relationships.

        I don't know if it would help, but I often write on these topics on the Psychology Today website. You might want to check out my blog:
        https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/making-change

        I wish you well and encourage you to continue returning here for support anytime you think it might help.
      • I find it inspiring to hear the hope you have for yourself and your son, given what you have gone through and are going through. I hope you continue to find an inner strength to keep growing, finding inner love, acceptance, and compassion, as well as finding those things in healthy relationships.

        I don't know if it would help, but I often write on these topics on the Psychology Today website. You might want to check out my blog:
        https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/making-change

        I wish you well and encourage you to continue returning here for support anytime you think it might help.
  • 4 days ago

    RE: Siblings hated me since early age, I was from a different father, anyone going through the same situation or advice?

    I very much like what Leslie said - focus on what you have instead of what you don't have.
    I come from a messy family. Though all sisters and brothers are blood related, we are lack of love among ourselves. As a kid, I wish I could live in an orphanage instead of this loveless home. I reminded myself repeatedly not to love anybody or I would be hurt badly, as this was the exact experience I got from my parents, sisters & brothers.
    I survived the terrible childhood. With luck, I now have my true love, a wonderful mother in law and some great friends. They give me a very warm home and the required support.
    Through this very rough journey, I learn to spend time on those who care me and disregard others, even we are blood related. Sometimes, they are like those cancerous cells that we have to remove/disconnect.
      • 4 days ago
        I agree on the cancerous cells part - its no good for a person to still feel alone, therapy really helps, I always tell people with bigger families who come together for gatherings, putting aside their differences to come together for family sake' I ask them to cherish and take nurture it because its rare...it is so true how one will be scared to love and embrace being loved, simply because one cannot relate, in fear of being hurt and rejected, how can you give what you never had? it wasn't easy growing up and finding identity in the world with a family like mine, your home is supposed to be the foundation of all things, your comfort and safe haven, but i thank you both for the wise words, it still hurts, just for my little one, but again, thanks Leslie and both your words are I will remember, I even printed them and had my son read them, so that he can see were not the only ones, and its no train smash, happiness and belonging are out there if you want them, you can get them depending on how hard you try, with the right people of course, blood family or not, you know, everywhere I have been, God answered in the most miraculous ways, people who are not even blood related to me, have cared for me as if they were getting something in return, it is truly amazing and I still believe, family does not have to be blood only, and if blood can to that to you, it really shows how the world can be so messed up...if i offer someone something now, i do it from a healthy place, knowing that its in my generous nature and there are parts of my life, i truly am grateful for, and the people who have crossed my path and are in my life, taught me that LOVE is around all of us, it does not only have to come from blood family.
      • 4 days ago
        Sometimes, they are like those cancerous cells that we have to remove/disconnect. (I fully agree with this part)
      • I'm really glad you've found this exchange helpful. I think of the process we are talking about as more of a marathon than a sprint. So, for anyone who can relate to this, please feel free to use us as a resource to help you whenever you want/think we can be helpful (including just supportive).