• 20 days ago

    Getting over the loss of s friend and a boyfriend

    Two weeks ago, I stood up to my controlling friend whom I thought befriended me because she like me, but I guess because there were talks in the office that I have a mental disorder, I think she befriended me because she felt sorry for me, so at the beginning I was very skeptical and after several months, through her persistence finally decided to befriend her, I realized though that I has always been a one sided relationship, were co-workers but she hardly comes to my office and I go to her's every day, even eat lunch there...I had tried to jokingly complain about that part but we always never dwelt on it, eventually, she started to snapping at me for silly reasons and in front of others, which I told her im against and for several times, until one day she did it and I told myself it will be for the last time, and I let her have it, coughed out all the things I had been casually telling her I did not like but this time in a not so nice manner - and I kind of feel lonely now and sad that were not longer close but this year I had told myself that I will never let anyone walk all over my head anymore, including my partner of 5 years, who has been sucking me dry financially, physically, emotionally and its been a couple of months now since I have stopped being a people pleaser - but now - im lonely - I am hurt inside - I feel like while I was a people pleaser I had people closer to me, even though it was for the wrong reasons, I guess its something new I have t grow accustomed to, being assertive and upfront, and now my partner also thinks I don't love him anymore because im no longer generous like before - I have tried to also explain to him about the change in me, and he still makes things about himself, apart from the fact that he also does not like my son very much and its been something I have been ignoring for a long time, it has come to a point whereby I choose to listen to my feelings now, and especially about my son, so I guess that means I have to get used to living without him too - I don't want the people who are toxic to me un my life but I have been so used to living like that, putting my needs first kind feels strange, I guess I just need to hang in there and take things one day at a time.

Responses

  • RE: Getting over the loss of s friend and a boyfriend

    Wow! What you are doing takes courage. It's important that, as you go through this journey, to keep your eyes open to the possibility of new, more positive relationships. What you are likely to find is that you attract -- and are attracted to -- different kinds of people. And hopefully those connections will develop into more positive, nourishing relationships. In fact, for your emotional health and happiness, it is essential that you develop healthy relationships, rather than face the world alone, feeling lonely. That said, it is also essential that you remember that maintaining firmer boundaries can be done in a non-confrontational way. By calmly, yet clearly, holding to what is right for you, you encourage, or at least allow for, healthy relationships without chasing people off (that is, people who you might have good relationships with).

    Please feel free to continue checking in here for support. You might also seek out therapy. You mentioned having a mental disorder. I don't know what that disorder is, but it might make that difficult change even more difficult and complicated -- and that would make therapy even more important.

    I wish you well with this effort to improve your life.
      • 18 days ago
        Thanks Leslie for the response, I was diagnosed with bipolar at 21 and now im 37 years and it took long for the tools in cognitive therapy to be of use to me, I was still a wimp and scared to face the world or even be alone without toxic relationships, I get lows and highs but mostly am manic and like that in a way cause I can get things done, the change in me happened when my dose was lessened and I lost a total of 20 kgs and feel good more than I ever did before but another thing, is I have now low tolerance for people who don't respect me, I was violated when I was small so its important to me to be made to feel im worthy by the people im in a relationship with, I know you don't demand respect you earn it so if it means speaking up for myself will get me respect so be it but I will go for counseling so that I can deal with this new person in me, I tend to not want to tell the other person if I don't approve of something because I don't want to hurt them or seem like im picking on the small things, but then again, I am sensitive these days and wonder where that comes from. I last relapsed in 2015 june and to this day I have relapses but nothing I cannot handle and nothing that keeps away from work or my daily responsibilities - but hell im lonely but thanks for the advice, I hope this time around I attract people who are more like me, supportive, understanding, respectful and open-minded, im not perfect but I do tend to brush off things which bug me or say them in a casual way, but, when the thing re-occurs over and over again, I get overwhelmed and end up losing it and put my words in writing to the other person, im not so good with verbal confrontations, I tend to get my tounge stuck and the right words don't come out, I keep on worrying that the other person will feel hurt by what I say I don't approve of, I guess im used to wrongs being done to me, and it happened for so long that I still have to learn to speak my mind and stick to my values in a nice way, what upsets me Lesley is when I say it nicely, no one takes me seriously but there is a solution to everything in life and this too shall come to pass. thanks again. I am sitting during lunch all by myself but even though I have relationships with my other colleagues, I am a one-friend person, so I guess it wasn't meant to be and like a chapter in a book, I will let it go because the other thing that made me burst was that, I was starting to see her treatment towards me different from the rest of her friends, and I felt belittled or maybe I wanted to be put on a pedestal too much, regardless, I had started to obsess that I don't feel valued and I did not want to feel that way before and when I lashed out at her on email, that day, honestly, I was prepared to lose her as a friend, I did however go to her to apologize for anything said in writing which may have been misunderstood but did tell her that I don't feel valued as a friend and that I see her treating other people better than me and she said, if that's how I feel, she has no words, so now I regretted going to apologize to her but in a way its ok, saying sorry for hurting her in the process of telling her what I did not like. I just cant help feeling mad at her for ruining our friendship and my trust, if only she had taken me seriously the first instances I relayed my issues with her, because, whenever she did not like something I did, I would respect that that's how she was feeling and explain myself and apologize, but with her, she did not want to accept that its been brewing inside me and I had said it before over and over, the snapping at me in front of other people, I sometimes feel like I should have just let things slide, but I was hurting inside and I guess I said a mouthful, so her fault was no longer the issue but what I said in my email.
      • As I said before, I can hear that your situation with her is painful, and that more broadly changing yourself is difficult. I hope you find even small things in your life to help give you the strength to keep on a positive track. This can often make all the difference --e.g. maybe enjoying a casual acquaintance, the beauty of some simple experience. When things don't go well, it can be easy to let your negative feelings overtake you rather than staying connected with the good things, too.

        Looking for a constructive way to cope with situations is also important, though can be difficult. For instance, if eating alone bothers you, you might look for a companion to have lunch (you can perhaps find someone to go to lunch with or take the chance to sit with others). Or, you might find a way to use your lunch time to do something you enjoy, such as reading a book. Of course, it would still be important to develop relationships with others, but it would not need to be at lunchtime.

        I don't know if you are still in therapy, but it sounds like it has helped you up to this point, and hopefully it can continue to help.

        Please know that you can always come back here for support.