• 16 days ago

    Wife lies about past but wants to know about mine

    This is the first time I've ever asked for any advice on my marriage. To give a quick background, me and my wife have been married for 19 years and have been together 28 years. We started dating when I was 18 and she was 16. I had a party at my house and she stayed the night and we have been together ever since. That was in 1989. We have 3 children and have a happy life and sex life that is incredible. It is a rare occasion if we do not have sex at least once a day. Here's my problem now. We both were sexually active before we got together and that was no secret between us. She has always been the one to initiate a conversation about anyone we have had sex with before we were together. This was something that actually attracted me to her in the early stages of our relationship, because all of my other girlfriends had never been honest with me. She would always ask me intimate details of any girl I had been with. I always answered her truthfully because I figured since she was the one asking the questions, if I asked her the same questions I would be getting an honest answer. Well this has not been the case. She would ask, and I would tell her the truth, and then I would ask her the same question and would get a response like I don't remember or a half truth. This did'n bother me until one night just after we got married we had a night where we were having conversations about our past. I don't remember why it happened this night, maybe we had a little too much to drink and that's how we got there. Either way, it was what I thought was a moment when we were being totally honest with each other. When a girl talks about her sexual past you better believe the man is paying attention. She had forgotten her lies in the past and when I started asking her questions telling her that she had told me something completely different she made up more lies to cover her old ones. That night I revealed some things to her about myself that I have never told anyone except her, including a homosexual experience when I was in High School. I did this thinking that I was being told the truth to and we were sharing all of our deepest secrets. After that night which was about ten years ago, I have put together that she was not being honest with me. She still initiates conversations about the women I was with before her and asks for details. This turns her on to hear about me having sex with other women while we are having sex. I gotta tell you too it turns me on to tell her and it also turns me on to talk about her too, but she never tells the truth. I would say that 99% of the time she is the one who initiates the conversation about it too. I have been having problems with this lately because if I question her about the lies she has told me she gets mad, and it turns in to a fight. Most of the time I don't say anything because I lover having sex with her and that usually ends the fun if I say anything. It's not about her being with other guys in her small past without me. I knew she wasn't a virgin when I got with her. It has never been about that. What it is about is that I feel a lack of trust because I feel like my past has been an open book, and I have always been honest with her about it. One thing in particular was my girlfriend before her. She always felt threatened by her and if she even showed up to a function she would flip out and get mad at me just because she was there. I was always cool with her exe's and never acted like that because I always thought she was being truthful with me. Over the years I have put together the pieces to show otherwise, and she has pretty much lied to me about everything in her sexual past.I know this must seem stupid because we have been together for 28 years, but I just feel betrayed because I would have kept some things to myself, and I am not the one who brings up the conversation.I could go on forever about things, but just looking for some advice.

Responses

  • 15 days ago

    RE: Wife lies about past but wants to know about mine

    Hi Sorry but this looks like one big line and it hurts my eyes to read it.

    Please can you edit it.

    NOWHARD
      • 15 days ago
        I agree. Paragraphs are your friend, OP.
  • 13 days ago

    RE: Wife lies about past but wants to know about mine

    Hello,
    It sounds strange that after 28 years together you still talk about other people and the past. You are both totally different people at his stage of your lives than when you were in your teens. After this many years, who cares???!!! Start focusing on each other, or some other fantacy.
  • 12 days ago

    RE: Wife lies about past but wants to know about mine

    Hello, If you would, please rewrite this. Chop it down to the jist of the problem at hand. I cannot understand what is actually going on.
  • 9 days ago

    RE: Wife lies about past but wants to know about mine

    Don't listen to the English teachers, your problem is understandable. Has her lying undermined your trust in your current situation?
  • 9 days ago

    RE: Wife lies about past but wants to know about mine

    Wow ! This has been going on for 28 yrs ? That's a long time , & a lot of lies ! I would seriously think about about if you can trust her & if you want to stay in a marriage built on lies ! I am wondèring if you have children also ? I have been there , done that ! Lol. I am single & happy !
  • 9 days ago

    RE: Wife lies about past but wants to know about mine

    She was 16 when you got together and she had this laundry list of sexual partners back then? I’m feeling that (perhaps hopefully) she is not lying but making up a bunch of this stuff to keep up with the role playing. At 18, were you really this Casanova you purport to be, or like countless of guys I went to school with at that age, just puffing up their sex lifes to impress everybody as well? After so many years of marriage, if this is your biggest issue while you still are having sex at least once a day, I’d say you were damn lucky!
      • 8 days ago
        I would say we had a laundry list of partners. She had a bad upbringing and started having sex earlier than I did about 12 and for me 14. She told me 4 but now it's up to 6 that I know of, and one of them is a childhood friend of mine. It's also the the lies she told me about her experience, when I was telling the truth about mine. When I met her at 18 I had had 8 partners. Like I said it's not even that she had other partners it's the fact that if she wanted to keep that to herself she should have said so instead of asking intimate details about my past and then lying when I asked the same questions. It took many years to put these things together.
  • 9 days ago

    RE: Wife lies about past but wants to know about mine

    I too have been married over 20 years and now that my children are out of the home, I understand how you re-evaluate your relationship because there is no distraction from issues.

    I would suggest that you confront her, tell her how serious this is to you and that the lies will have to stop or your relationship could be beyond repair. I know that others don't understand this. But to find out that everything you thought was true was all a lie is devastating; no matter how long it's been.

    You deserve to be treated with the same respect that you give. If she can't do that, then you have to decide if you deserve better.
  • RE: Wife lies about past but wants to know about mine

    Given that you feel betrayed and upset enough that you are reaching out here, it seems that this is an issue that needs to be addressed -- or it risks further undermining your relationship. If you decide to address it directly with her, your timing and approach are very important. You are likely to get the best results by choosing a calm time when she might be more open to discussion. Also, it might help to focus first on the positives of your relationship and your love for her -- no need to embellish, just share what is really there. Then you might express how her lying has affected you (e.g. sad, feeling betrayed) and your relationship. It's also important to express that you want to make your relationship stronger.

    If this proves to be too difficult to address in a constructive way, you might consider doing some focussed couples therapy with her around this issue.
      • 8 days ago
        Thank you for the advice. I do feel betrayed, and it bugs me because when I do ask her or catch her in a lie, I'm the bad guy and I'm badgering her, or she makes up more lies because we've been together so long she can't remember the past lies she told me. She then says she won't talk about it anymore. That is great for her because she already know the truth from me. I feel that is is not right to ask me things but then not be able to answer the same questions truthfully. We have a great marriage and love each other very much. we have 3 beautiful teenage boys and have a great life and sex life except for this. I'm not sure if she would even want to go to therapy because this will come up.
  • RE: Wife lies about past but wants to know about mine

    I would not push this issue, it is part of her foreplay to hear about your past, truthful or not isn't important so much as the fantasy in her mind when you are talking about it. She isn't checking up on you past she not jealous, she is getting motivated by your stories. I think you are interpreting these talks as if your on the stand, telling the whole truth and nothing but...while she is embellishing herself to be more innocent, which should be more appealing to you sexually. You didn't say that this is a problem in any other part of your relationship. If you want to know more about her sexual history, (why, if it makes you jealous) then have a serious sit down talk, don't try to hash it out during, and maybe spoiling your good sex encounters. I think you should just continue to enjoy the rare, great relationship/love life that you have.