• 1 month ago

    I love my mom, but...

    But caring for her in her old age is really taking an emotional, physical, and not to get pretentious, but SPIRITUAL toll. I understand she is in her older years, and I KNOW I owe her so much being that she gave me life...but holy cow. She is uncooperative, rude, demanding, taxing, time consuming, pushy, critical, and just impossible to deal with MOST of the time. Not to mention, she doesn't allow me to have a life outside of the house. If I go out with a friend or God forbid on a DATE, she complains for hours when I get home that I always leave her, that she has to do everything herself, she's all on her own, how she had to this impossible task, that impossible task, etc. She doesn't want to do anything productive all of the times I'm home (I'm there 90% of the time), but all of a sudden, as soon as I leave, she wants to take a shower, clean up around the house, dust, make the bed, etc. I feel like a prisoner and slave in my own home. She places such heavy guilt on me for doing anything pleasurable in my life and how "she would never do this to her mother or that to her mother" how she "put her life on hold to care for her parents" and is constanty alluding to how much better she than me and gives NO credit for ALL of the things I do. She never STOPS complaining and she expects my world to STOP if she needs ANYTHING, as meaningless as more ice in her iced tea. I understand she's in a hard spot, but TBH she's not terminal, she simply has a long-term debilitating condition, and I really don't know how LONG I can do this. Not to mention, am I never going to be able to get married or have kids bc my life is consumed with caring for my mother? If I EVEN suggest bringing in a carer, or anything of the like, she puts me down and guilts me for even mentioning it OR THEN does reverse psychology..."i'd rather have a carer than you because then I wouldn't have to deal with being at your mercy and I can actually get things done." What a slap in the face because of how I've put my 26-year old life on hold to care for her.

    Not really sure where to put this, but I thought this would do. What do you guys make of the situation? Am I justified or just an entitled and bratty 20-something year old?

Responses

  • 1 month ago

    RE: I love my mom, but...

    Hi - I'm assuming that your mother has always been demanding, overbearing and controlling. If so, remember that you cannot change people. You can only change how you respond to such behavior. I have two recommendations:

    1. You must take is that you must take care of yourself first (no exceptions.) You cannot care for anyone if you don't take care of yourself first. So, make sure you eat a balanced diet, stay hydrated, do some sort of physical activity, and (most importantly,) pray.

    2. As for your mother's "reverse psychology..." I recommend that you contact her health insurance company to see if it is possible for the insurance to pay for a home health care nurse to come to your home and care for your mother a few hours every week. That will give you some relief to get some things done for you (like possibly go on a lunch date?) and your mother gets the care she needs.

    Best wishes with handling this experience. Remember, you will come out of this experience a lot more stronger and wiser.
  • 1 month ago

    RE: I love my mom, but...

    Frankly, it sounds like your mom has some sort of mental disorder, such as Borderline Personality Disorder (look this up). No mentally healthy person would torpedo her child's life in this way. It's clear you love and want to take care of your mother, but you need to first take some basic care of yourself. The suggestion to check whether her insurance might pay for some home health care is a good one. Also, are there no other relatives that can help? You have no legal obligation to be her caregiver, and she is removing your incentive to do so out of love.
  • 1 month ago

    RE: I love my mom, but...

    I feel for you. I am twice ur age tho. Took care of both parents watched both die. It was very hard. Tho in ur shoes I think you need to get out. If she wants you there tell her what it is that she is doing to you. I don't feel you owe her for having you that was her choice. Hire a care giver or find a place for her to go like elder home. Just take her as a visit explain to her that's what is going to happen if she pushes you away. I understand she laying the guilt trip on you do your best not her best. Tell her you are trying to help her if she don't like or need you to do things as you are then maybe it's time to get someone who will. I'm not trying to be cold but hon at 26 your prime time of life you should have husband and grand kids. Get someone to come in to help tell your mom it's not up to her. If she needs 24 hr care you need help. I'm sorry but your mother will do as sher is until you stop letting her. Good luck. Do remember she is your mom not your child. You will do what's best I'm sure just by you reaching out for help.
      • 1 month ago
        They did notdiecuz me carding for them. They were both very ill.
  • 1 month ago

    RE: I love my mom, but...

    Hey so I know this is three weeks old but please please if you see this, you should google 'Reddit raisedbynarcissists' and search around on the forum for a while. It is a very popular section on Reddit, and if you post exactly what you wrote here, you will be getting advice from many people who have been in the same situation. Or just read others stories and solutions, TRUST ME, you will understand everything and it will change your life!! Lol. Also, (you will learn this on Reddit) you do not owe your mother anything. She is lucky to have you to give her more than what she deserves. Just because she"gave you life" (which is something narcissistic parents say in order to guilt you into doing what they want) doesn't mean you owe her yours. You owe yourself happiness, and if you have children who are still young, you owe it to them to help them find their way. She is a bad mother and person for making her you suffer like this. You must stand up for yourself l...again, though, please search what I wrote up top. It will help you navigate your feelings. You can do this!!! <3
  • 28 days ago

    RE: I love my mom, but...

    Hi dina411,

    I am 49, but I was in the same boat as you at 26, until 3 years ago. So I know a little of what you're going through. Although each of our parents are different, each also has the ability to make us feel as though we are 6 years old again and just a naughty child being chastised for not cleaning our room.

    First taking care of my mother-in-law, then my father, then my father-in-law, in 22 years of marriage, my husband and I have only lived alone for the last 2 years. It was brutally difficult to maintain.

    My husband destroyed his back in a work accident in 1997, and I needed to return to work, and then needed extra income to pay all the bills. Needless to say, we had a full house.

    The only way I survived was by taking 2 evenings a week for me. 1 was for my husband and I together, and 1 was for me alone. I was able to go out with my friends or just take a bath and read it didn't matter. From the time I got off work until midnight, I was off duty. If an emergency arose or something couldn't be done because I was the only one with the information were the only reasons​ I was to be disturbed.

    That was how I survived. Tell your Mother the simple truth. If she wants to continue to live with you, then you will be taking 2 nights per week, or one day and one night, which ever works for you, off each week to take care of you. It is not open for discussion or debate. It is not negotiable.

    See if there is a senior day care or senior gathering that your mother can get involved in. Your local Dept. of Health and Human Services should have some suggestions and also some aid in getting you some information about what is available as far as help, community based and otherwise.

    Do NOT allow yourself to be brow beaten to just accept that your mother is your lot in life. It is not your mother's life you need to live. You will end up resenting her and you will both end up destroying​ your relationship with the other.

    You are still young, you need your life, you need to be able to relax and enjoy your life.

    Best wishes and God Bless