• over 1 year ago

    Emotional Affair

    Married 13 years and find out hes having an emotional affair online with this woman. For a few years. Im supposed to be getting over it. We are doing marriage counseling. Noone seems to get how much rage I feel. I cant kill myself we have 3 kids. I cant divorce him we have 3 kids. I wont let our kids go through it. I love him. Im devastated. I feel blown apart. He took it all away and left a shell no wonder all the prayers to make things better went unanswered. He was getting his needs met online w her. Tired of crying. I wake up and I cry. I run around busy and scared to lay down cuz that pain still there. Just to do anything to make it stop. Dont drink dont smoke dont drug just destroyed. How do u live with someone who killed u inside? I did something to deserve this. Instead of working on us he'accidentally' got into this. He 'wasnt in love with her, he was in love with the IDEA of her". He wants to stay married and likes to remind me hes the one recommended counsing to help us. Ok so im supposed to get over this somehow. Im supposed to go on w life and work on the marriage. Im supposed to be better while devastated. I cook dinner while hearing sirens and i scream at the top of my lungs in my head. I help the kids with homework while crying inside. Noone cares at work so theres noone to talk to. No friends to talk to. I just want to rock myself to sleep in a fetal position. Im so mad at me!!!! How could i fake being strong and now im a complete waste pathetic. Used to be strong and independent when i was young and single. Ive become what i hate. Pathetic. Ok. Atleast I said some of what im thinking. Cant say it on fb it would embarrass him. Cant talk about it too much it makes him feel bad. Cant talk to the kids about it. I tell the counselor for a few mins. Sometimes im so weary of that aching pain i just want hubby to make me forget it for a lil while. Then it comes back. It always comes back.

Responses

  • over 1 year ago

    RE: Emotional Affair

    oh my....you poor, poor thing. This is just terrible. I'm so sorry.
  • RE: Emotional Affair

    I'm truly sorry for all your pain. I hope you feel that the therapist has a sense of the depth of your pain. If not, you may want to express this. Maybe you could talk with the therapist about whether it would be appropriate for you to get some individual counseling to address the depth of your pain? Also, part of what couples therapy does for people is that it helps the partners understand each other and feel cared about by each other. If you feel that your husband has not really listened to or heard your pain, this needs to be addressed. Again, this is something that you might want to bring up to the therapist. Please keep in mind that therapy takes time to work, but it has helped many couples.

    In addition to the therapy, it is also often helpful to have the support of caring friends. You might consider what friends or family might be trusted with this and would be supportive. Sharing with someone who feels your pain and cares enough to be supportive can be very healing. I understand that you don't want to embarrass him, and that is important to be sensitive to, but you also need to take care of yourself. Keep in mind that the only real way to be happy again as a person, mother, or wife is to find peace again within yourself.
  • over 1 year ago

    RE: Emotional Affair

    Sorry about this but you really need to get some professional help. As long as you are like this he is winning. Get over him is how you win
  • over 1 year ago

    RE: Emotional Affair

    You can get a divorce, and I suggest you do. You will most likely never get over it, and you will never trust him. You deserve better.
  • over 1 year ago

    RE: Emotional Affair

    You need to stop finding excuses to why you can't leave. The kids, the years, marriage, killing yourself and all the other thing's. Maybe he just don't want you nomore, and he just don't feel like just making the big change, so he will just settle. Just like you. Also, if he's been doing this and other things you just don't know about. Then all the couseling in the world is not going to change him. U couldn't! U know why because his mind is made up, it's his source of entertainment and thats what makes him happy, and maybe not you anymore. Life goes on, start trying loving yourself more and maybe he will start back love you. BEST wishes
  • 11 months ago

    RE: Emotional Affair

    I was married to my husband for 33 years, he had several online affairs over a 10 year period. I thought I couldn't leave, couldn't survive without him. A little over a year ago he asked to separate, I filed for divorce and it was the best thing for me and my kids! I am happy and my kids are too. He asked to get back together for several months but now he has gone through multiple women and he totally ignores the kids. I know he will never change. If we got back together it would all be my fault. Read up on Border Line Personality. They blame their actions on others, everytime! Take care of yourself and your kids. Yes it is hard but you will survive. Don't be walked on. People do care. There are hot lines! Help yourself
  • 11 months ago

    RE: Emotional Affair

    I am married to a man for two wks when he came home and told me he was in love with a lady name Jill. He didn't know all her name, he begin emotional affair 6 days a week for 4 months. She was happily married and half his age. After that ended , he begin 107 more ladies. Each falling in love, telling me i wasn't good enough, he wanted young ones, teen girls too, slimmer, blondes are no 1. He was ask to leave 2 churches, 5 restaurants because of his flirting, and trying to have affair on me in public. He didn't care. I separated from him several times, but i was determine to find out why he changed. I made appt with a psychologist and he is BI POLAR with compulsive behavior on ladies. He is on meds but hasn't done no good. The doctor is up his doze more each month to try to control his behavior. I am giving him until April on our 4 anniversary to be better or i will divorce him. He has caused my health to go bad, my emotional state. He would take me just to the store and run down the isle to stare at a ladies body and flirt. I started leaving for the car, I was hoping one lady would stand up and tell him NO but they annoyed him by walking off. You don't have to take his trash. I stand up for myself in public and I go straight to the manager when he is out of control. My self esteem is gone.
  • 11 months ago

    RE: Emotional Affair

    first off you cant just get over something like that, sorry its just like news that cancer has invaded your body! whats wrong with telling you he wants to talk, or that he has problems doing so? no the moron decides to walk the line, and break the code of husband as I call it. ok I'm assuming sex wasn't had? how much longer would it take till it does I wonder??? contract of sacred trust has been damaged, which leaves the door open to just about anything. ok I would kick his ass for starters, how dumb does he think you are? 3 kids or ten makes no difference to me, id pack my stuff up along with my kids and call things separated. when he gets his *** together then id talk. don't accept this as the norm, its not.
  • 11 months ago

    RE: Emotional Affair

    Do you know WHY your man is doing what he is doing?

    Also, have you ever wondered why (regardless the affair) he never left you?

    You sound very exhausted and seem on the edge. I could not help but notice that you treat your relationship and your man as if they were the very last meal on the planet. IS it really so?

    Sorry to say it but all counseling will not work. It may work for some but usually it does not. How do I know? Because people do not change. You are trying to change him instead of your relationship. His mistress is not a reason, she is a SYMPTOM that something is wrong with the relationship. I suggest you to read this: Infidelity - how to get rid off his mistress: http://beluckyinlove.net/ebooks-for-you/

    This book will change everything in your relationship. Actually if you follow its advice he will be the one who will want to get rid of her.
      • 11 months ago
        I am under a doctor's care for another few months due to a operation that didn't go well but I refuse to allow me to bend down to his insults about how slim , pretty, young some lady is in a store. I started fighting back over a year ago, going to the lady he is flirting, staring at and I tell her he is staring at her body especially butt and he wants a date. They take off running. I ask them to go to the manager when he gets to close and ready to touch them. They refuse to do so, they said she don't want to let people stare at her while the police comes. So he gets by with it . Bi Polar people have a strong sex drive but it is not necessary with the spouse , like the doctor said, it is with anyone . I often ask Dennis why he married me when in two wks of marriage he is stalking a married lady for 4 months. He don't know. Don't make the same mistake I have done, forget him like he forgets you if he don't want to work it out. I am older and this is my second marriage. I don't give him no chances, he is out when I get well enough to drive and live normal. So tired of 4 years of emotional adultery and one real affair he has had.
      • 11 months ago
        id venture to guess that he didn't leave her so that hed stull have somebody if everything fell apart on him.
      • 11 months ago
        I hate that this, this, what? That this CAD has the same name as mine! I hope you get well enough to leave him sooner, rather than later!

        I am so sorry you are going through this!

        Dennis
      • 11 months ago
        That is probably a very good guess!
      • 9 months ago
        What? Are you replying to the right post?
  • 11 months ago

    RE: Emotional Affair

    OMG! I am so very sorry that you are going through this! I know well how it feels to be cheated on, it happened too me. My ex wife cheated on me, only she did it physically. The hurt goes deep inside the heart, doesn't it? Yes, I know the rage, the wanting to scream as loud and as long as possible. Even tho I am a man, it still hurts to this day. Yes, we tried to make it work, but even tho I forgave her I could never trust her any longer. That, and other things, made me decide to leave her. I had two small children at the time, but I didn't let that stop me, and if you feel that way about your hubby, maybe you should think about it? Don't jump the gun on this, this is your life you must think about. He only had an emotional affair, not a physical one like my ex did, you see? However, an affair is an affair and nothing makes that right! Since you were the one that got cheated on, YOU should get to decide the fate of this marriage! Think long and hard, you are not the only one that could get hurt out of this, you know?

    Did he ever really say he was sorry? Is he really trying hard to make things right, again? May I suggest you go find a place where no one is around for miles, and just scream your lungs out? I did it into some pillows, but it did seem to help, some? You need to find ways to distress yourself. Keep reminding yourself that you did nothing wrong.

    There is so many other things I would like to say, but it feels as if I have written a novella already? Maybe later? You just deserve so much better than what you got!

    Dennis
  • 9 months ago

    RE: Emotional Affair

    I'm no therapist but I had to write this when I read this, first off you seem to have severe depression and personally I'd work on that first unless you're extremely exaggerating your mood. Also I don't know how long it's been since you found out about his other relationship but it seems you will never truly forgive him and that doesn't have to be a bad thing, I mean it's his fault so and if you can't forgive him move on with your life you may find someone and realize you love them more. I'm speaking from experience, my wife cheated on me and even had me believe a child was mine until I got a DNA test when the baby was 3 months. I won't get into my life story but we get along due to I have custody of our first and only child together, but I would be just repulsed by her in any romantic way due to how she did me and maybe that's something you should think about. Anyway I wrote way more than I meant to but my main point is you should go to a good doctor to help your depression.
  • 8 months ago

    RE: Emotional Affair

    It's really painful
  • 8 months ago

    RE: Emotional Affair

    The violation of trust that you’ve experienced is deep and profound. Here are few effective ways to handle this situation:
    i. Determine What Went Wrong
    ii. Share your interests
    iii. Be open
  • 8 months ago

    RE: Emotional Affair

    The best ways to deal with this situation is "Be open, admit your faults & be yourself"
  • 8 months ago

    RE: Emotional Affair

    Be yourself & don't have hot discussions about this relationship