• 7 months ago

    What To Do

    Dear All: I recently cut my parents off and I am seeking input whether I did the right thing.

    My father in February called the woman who watches our 2 year old son a “fat ass” then said my wife was inflexible for not selecting a daycare in their town which is three towns from ours and would require of her an extra 30 minutes of drive on her days off. He then said “You people don’t know what the *** you are doing. Don’t get me started. Your son can’t even talk.” And this comment triggered me. Our son is under 2 and has 50+ words. My father picked on my brother unmercifully as a child calling him “stupid” and “small head” and many other hurtful things. So, in response I told my father that he “needed to be careful with what he said.” He then said “or what?” I said “Or else you won’t see me or my son.” He said in response, “*** you.” So, I left in a huff and went no contact.

    My mom called some days later and tried to minimize his actions saying our son couldn’t hear this all because he was in the room over. She refused to validate my grievance. Her refusal to acknowledge my grievance with my father devolved into an argument where I tried to convince her of my father’s wrongdoing reminding her how my father brow beat my brother for 20 years and on occasion physically abused my mom. She got offended and this call ended with no resolution.

    Some weeks later my dad called me on St Patrick’s Day and asked if I was still part of the family. I told him yes, but I was not happy and things needed to change. He told me my mother told him about our call and he was not happy but he excused himself from the call before we could speak further. He then called weeks later and I we spoke in depth. I told him he couldn’t say the things he had said in the future. He protested his right to speak his mind and reiterated all the comments meh made, reinforcing that he was convinced my son has “problems”, saying the evaluations of pediatricians do not count as proof my son does not have “problems”. When I refused his comments he told me to go *** myself before hanging up the phone.

    Since then my mother has texted me a number of times and I have restated my position including clearly defining what a resolution would look like. This culminated in a phone call tonight where my mother said she doesn’t “recognize” who I have become.

    Am I wrong to have gone no contact and to not let them see my son?

Responses

  • 7 months ago

    RE: What To Do

    Families are tough, especially when one person doesn't acknowledge the impact they have on others and expects everyone else to just accept their behavior. Sometimes the belief that family will always stick together makes them feel they can get away with it.

    I've experienced similar, in which a parent was emotionally abusive while I grew up. I see the limiting effect it has had on me as an adult and do not want that for my children. While I have not cut off my parent, there is an incredible distance, both physically (I live in a different state by choice) and emotionally. My children lose out on a grandparent but they don't have to suffer any similar emotional abuse.

    I think as parents of young children, we need to protect them before we protect our parents from themselves.

    Good luck. It's not easy. I personally feel you are doing what's right.
  • 7 months ago

    RE: What To Do

    I have parents with similar toxic behaviors and I have to bear with them till I become financially independent and move out. Years later, they tried to behave better in front of me as they become financially dependent on me. However, they still display similar toxic behaviors in front of others :-(
    I think you did the right thing to protect your kid & wife. Don't let these toxic behaviors ruin yourself & your loved ones. Don't let it upset yourself emotionally. Don't look back. You have clearly stated your position. If they don't respect you, it is not your fault. Sometimes, we have to draw the line or cut the line.
  • 7 months ago

    RE: What To Do

    Please take note: You cannot rationalize with irrationality! Your father, simply put, is a Bully. And your mother, out of survival mode, and probably living a life wherein she has had to be supportive of your father and therefore enabling him, is playing the role of peacemaker and justifying your father's Cruel and demeaning actions because she's had to do it For so many years she doesn't even realize she is being cowardly, and is not courageous enough to be honest with herself and stand up to him. BUT, NEWSFLASH! You were and are brave enough. You were sick and tired of being sick and tired of being bullied and when your father Proceeded to Bully your child through the same cruel tactics, you drew the line in the sand, and said that is it and ended the sick cycle of abuse. Congratulations! Be strong and don't look back. And most importantly, don't question yourself and your actions. You exhibited exceedingly honorable and Courageous parenting Skills. Move forward and don't look back. It will take time and you will Probably suffer from bouts of PTSD from all the abuse you have had to suffer from and have been exposed to. It might be wise to seek counseling for yourself. Congratulations on your new life of happiness, which you deserve, and using your strength to say no to abuse.
  • 6 months ago

    RE: What To Do

    You are the parent. Your child will start talking soon. My son was 3 when he decided to talk and now he won´t stop talking... Don´t cut them off 100%. They are your parents and you need to give the example to your child of not abandoning parents. Now, do put boundaries in place. If you don´t like his language, do not leave the child with them alone. When you go over and he starts complaining or yelling, just say we need to go, and leave, without anger. If your child ask why, just say it´s time to go... Don´t talk about it in the car in front of your son. Continue participating of family events, but always leave at the moment your dad starts attacking you, your wife, your child or anyone else in the family.