Responses

  • over 1 year ago

    RE: a child must be raised right

    I would like to offer a slightly different opinion on your line about shielding kids from arguments. I read this recently - and it really resonated with me.

    https://www.nytimes.com/2017/11/04/opinion/sunday/kids-would-you-please-start-fighting.html

    Here's why: My mom's parents fought a lot. I know she was upset by this as a child. So I think she really tried to not fight with my dad while we were growing up.

    Sadly, me and 2 of my siblings are very very bad at managing conflict. My brother and I completely avoided conflict at any cost (I'm working on this now). My other brother would just explode at any conflict.

    I believe that kids need to understand that conflict is part of life and learn strategies for dealing with that.

    I also felt disappointed in my mother for the way she let my dad control everything. I know she didn't want to fight with him, but as a result she was just submissive - even when he was really in wrong: like for example: when he insisted on driving after he drank to much. (I too feel terribly that I didn't fight him in those situations - but you might say that's what I learned - fortunately nothing bad ever happened from it).

    I believe you can learn argue / disagree respectfully and kids can benefit from that.
      • over 1 year ago
        I agree with you, on this point for one: its normal and God made us emotional beings, when you do snap, not planning of course, also, in front of your child, apologize to your partner if you were in the wrong/right, just to show that fighting is normal but fighting dirty is wrong when not done at the right time, also let your kid know that, that's not how would like to deal with conflict, but are sorry and will try to let it not happen again, I tell my son that, just like sometimes there is conflict btw him and his friends, there can be between mommy and daddy, but its what you do afterwards, should you be caught in the spare of the moment argument, but again, i also don't agree - if too much arguing occurs, then maybe in the long run for the kid's sake, a separation might be in order, even if its temporary, maybe thats what led to the case of your mom avoiding conflict like that, and im sorry you had to go through that, I don't have the answers to everything but..teaching your kids and maybe telling them your mom's history and situation, or your won situation when it comes to conflict handling, whereby you let emotions get the better of you, this will equip them on a mental level, and sometimes as parents fail to see this one point:that our kids so desperately need to see that we are also human, and we can make mistakes, and we can try to learn from them, we are not perfect.
  • over 1 year ago

    RE: a child must be raised right

    The idea that children can be molded and that you control the process is being debunked. Parenting is like gardening, not carpentry.

    https://www.npr.org/2017/12/11/569907638/the-carpenter-vs-the-gardener-two-models-of-modern-parenting