• 5 days ago

    Sad

    At times I want to drive my car into a tree. I am so lonely and sad right now, no one understands how painful life is too live. My entire life has been one mess after another. I have even asked God why did he create me to live in this despair. There are worse things in life than death. I take my meds but that does no good and I can't trust anyone with the whole truth of me. So many times I have just wanted to die so it will be over with once and for all, no more pretending that life is going to get better for me,because it sure hasn't so far. Just empty and lonely,

Responses

  • RE: Sad

    Hello! YESSS....that's exactly how I felt...had a melt down...called uped hubby from work and asked please not tell me the combination to his gun safe - which he has just in case someone breaks into our house. All I could think was to just go to bed and shoot myself in the head and it would be over. Simple and Quick. Just go to sleep. I had other melt downs but not as bad. Depression meds help but not cure...counsel spchy therapy just makes it worse and especially with family involoved...I think having others like ...crazy like me ...who understand would help to talk and chat. I don't have any close friends or family to talk about my mental issues. I've suffered trichotillamania in the past since I was 12...thoughts of suicide off and on...mental illness seems to affect my everyday social life with anyone and drive my family crazy.
      • 1 day ago
        : Hello Crazy Sad, I know what you mean. There are things I haven't even been able to share with anyone because they just would not be able to understand, and it hard to live with all of the guilt and shame of being mentally ill, I didn't make myself like this the world did., there is so much I want to share but no one to share it with, with all of the childhood trauma, to neglect and abuse, not just from family but from others. To having panic attacks, to self less feelings, and worthlessness.. to not having the feelings that you matter at all.
      • 15 hours ago
        Hi 56sad,

        You can talk to me...What kinda abuse? I’ve had growing up verbal and mental abuse from adoptive family growing up and beaten in public in front of neighbors with a belt. I accidentally squeezed with gloves holding the neighbors bird and killed it. At the time I was only 4 or 5 and did not know my own strength. After being beaten by a belt my mom gave my bike to the neighbors’s daughter for the dead bird. My mother put me debt $20,000 with 4 credit cards and wanted me to get a 5th one but by that time I realize I couldn’t trust her to pay off the credit cards and I said No she then walked with my baby son to my evening job and complained about me to my boss...she walked all 3 miles. I was a single parent back then and working 2 jobs and going to college. Broke and not enough to support my son and myself and not getting child support (couldn’t cuz forgot how to proper spell the fathers last name and he did not want nothing to do with our baby boy never saw him born). There’s more ..and I’ve been put down because I have selective hearing problems I can not seem to fix. I suffer from dyslexia, short term memory loss at times which affects my comprehension even though I have no learning disabilities. This slows me down and I my mind thinks faster then my mouth - no filter - and say things inappropriate or stupid or not make sense - indecisiveness - This irritates - embarrassing- aggravating my husband - doesn’t quite understand. I feel at times I am not intelligent as him and failure. He is a good husband and father and does not deserve me. Yet he keeps staying with me and still wants me. I just feel so wrong cuz I am 10 yrs younger and feel unintelligent like a child with him. He’s worldly experienced and I came from a controlling sheltered family so I don’t know a lot of things.

        You can vent and talk to me - hopefully we can help each other. Everyone needs someone who does understand and be there to talk. Ok?

        Yes you and I at times feel it would be better to just die - at times - so mentally tired of living cuz it’s so depressing. But I stare outside at the tree tops - swaying - calmly and actually look, hear, and think of nature close up - in a quiet peaceful place - makes me realize - there is still hope, Love, beauty, and good happy things In life and god is with us all - all the time - and we forget this. I pray talk to him (anywhere) and ask his help and to be honest he dose listen and responds in his own way you don’t realize it. At first I don’t believe in signs answers from god but now I do because a lot has happened that convinced me to believe in him. You have to “ask and you shall receive” you have to be sincere and honest and realistic. Ttyl & tc.
  • RE: Sad

    Hi there. I wish I could give you a hug through the screen. It's important for you to know that you have resources. If you think you might need immediate help and cannot speak to a family member, a medical professional, or a member of the clergy, do not hesitate to call your local suicide hotline immediately or call 800-SUICIDE (800-784-2433) or 800-273-TALK (800-273-8255), or dial 911 immediately.

    Even though we've never met, we do care about you. I promise you that it's never too late. There is always hope for a better tomorrow. Please continue to check back in here whenever you need someone to talk to ((hugs)).
      • 16 hours ago
        Hi Morgan
        Thank you for your advice and help. I am keeping the info nearby if it gets bad. I’m ok now ...depression under control...hubby came and helped me...stayed until I was stable...Till son came home and he told my son to watch me for awhile I don’t do anything crazy..both made me breakfast at 3 pm. I woke up late cuz family stayed up till 4 am family chatting at our house. I had locked my hubbies gun in safe box cuz it was under bed and I forgot the combination to the safe which was good. I usually take my meds in morning but I woke up very late kinda threw timing off. Dr said meds suppose to stay 24 hours in my system body but I think after 24 hours it wears off and depression comes back in full force. I still have some depression while on meds but they come and go and I can consintrate normally. I’ve read up on Major Depression and it has affected my work that I am constantly changing jobs every 2 or 3 years. Which does not help my self esteem. I realize the symptoms and educating my husband little at a time. I feel at times I don’t deserve him and not intelligent enough to keep him happy. I keep telling him this and that he needs a new wife. I get anxiety and start stuttering and sometimes dyslexic, and say things inappropriately that is stupid not make sense, or loss of memory information that was already given 2 hours or even 30 mins ago (short term memory loss at times) and selective hearing information loss at times that I can not seem to fix so I resort writing things down on paper a lot which people then thick I am slow comprehending Information. My mind does not have a filter to prevent what I am thinking and comes out my mouth wrong and embarrasses aggravating my hubby. I always say sorry for this a lot.
      • 13 hours ago
        : A member of clergy, is a joke! Even those clergy members have hurt to the core of me, I have been to churches, or rather I say church clicks, I have tried that route also, but went after my daughter like she was nothing and pastor wife, told my daughter that I didn't go a good job at raising her. So you see there is no one to trust or that has your back but you and I am growing weary of the fight.
      • 13 hours ago
        : Don't hope and no disappointment
      • 10 hours ago
        56sad,

        I don't go to church and I am catholic. I use to go but since the sexual scandal of cergy I don't go. My belief is the jest story of the bible is true but when it comes to certain religious restrictions and limitations I believe "Man" made most of it. So I decided to pray to god my way...anywhere peaceful...

        I did too tried to get help at the church and pschy drs...they didn't help....and "I am growing weary of the fight." Tired of it...mental illness.. depression, anxiety, worthlessness, being degraded, and just no help...

        56sad I am 46 years old and feel nobody realizes how it feels...to just don't want to be here...many times I've stated ..."I just want to go home" and it's not "home" here I'm talking about on earth. I still do say this when I'm tired of this life and want to die. But, 56sad you need to understand what mental illness you have...and look at yourself objectively...as a third person. Nobody can understand you the best except yourself. Evaluate yourself and read up on what kind of mental illness you have. I realize what I have....trichotillomania since I was 12 yrs old, anxiety, major depression, OCD, emotional eating disorder, overweight, heart disease, pre-diabetic, life long skin disorder uticara, and more....I got over trichotillomania but it has transfered into self skin picker harming myself which I am on the edge of overcoming now. I am working on emotional eating and losing weight. It's a constant fight and a failures along the way...not able to keep a job for long....not able to learn fast enough.....not intelligent enough....etc. I still stressed out and depressed still at different levels.... Highs and lows... and eat. Know the signs of your mental illness when it starts...sometimes ...I forget and don't realize is this "me" or my "mental illness". To me if feels the demon in me is "mental illness" trying to harm "me" who is totally different....and this demon takes over you when you least expected and you forget ....it's your condition.. demon... that you are stuck with for the rest of your life.

        56sad I have accepted that this is going to be weary, never ending, and tiring fight...we forget ,,. You and I know this.... You feel like you are alone and you forget YOU ARE NOT > There are others like you and me. Some with trauma, physical, verbal,mental, and PTSD. Post Trauma Stress Disorder. Some who are worse than you and I.....You know your problems and the only person who can FIX THIS....IS YOU. We don't want to hear it...We want to blame someone...the past..someone now...but it's only you (myself) who can change, control, beat the demon...the "mental illness" ...that's taken over us and affecting everyone around us and your family... you have to remind yourself of this...remind yourself why are you here....what is important...your family...you are here for your family.. thru the future....grandchildren...make it happen....make the bad and flip it...to something better..happier..happy now...don't live in the past...it's gone..way gone...I know the past memory bad ones will not go away...but you can change now....your child needs you and you are a good person...be there...My hubby said "you don't want to hurt your kids" if you kill yourself...and you don't want to hurt your husband by cheating death....I forget...what would it be the perception of my families eyes if I kill myself....everything will breakdown...everything...life will drastically change for the family....and yes lose everything ...with out me....my husband made me realize...yes he is right. If I did kill myself...everything we happy together around us will fall apart....

        so...as I said...you need to look at what's more important now...and fight thru this depression..that evil demon that constantly plagues us...mental illness is a *** at times...but I still have faith in God and love....and I wear my wedding ring on my left but I wear a nice real sterling silver designed incarnated ring with a small cross in the the middle to remind me....

        I know this is long...and may not agree...but I hope this helps...don't be afraid to talk to me ok?