• 6 months ago

    Marriage frustrations

    I am feeling overwhelmed and frustrated in my marriage as of late. My husband has turned pretty lazy around the house. He works 3 twelve hour days and then has four days off every week. I usually work 28/30 days a month working a fulltime job and 2 parttime jobs. We have a daughter getting married in the fall and I need to pay for the wedding.

    When my husband is home on his days off he really does nothing. He says that he is tired the first day off after his long weekend and basically sits in his chair and watches tv all day. The next three days he does the same thing unless there is something that he wants to do, he says this is my weekend. Guess what i do not get weekends as I am working almost every weekend, i work 2 ten hour shifts at work every week and then my other days are at least 9 hours, the weekends it depends which job I am at sometimes I am there for 12 hours and sometimes it is 8 hours. But I seem to have to do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry and grocery shopping for the household. I did a mini melt down last month because he was not helping and he said the cleaning will be there tomorrow why does it have to be done today? we have two dogs and we need to vacuum every other day, he is home during the day and can't even pick up the vacuum. he leaves his dirty dishes in the sink from during the day, puts his clothes in the laundry basket.

    I sometimes do not even want to come home from work as I know how much work I have to do at home after working all day. I will say something and he might get better for a week or so, but he seems content to just do nothing all day. I know that i am jealous because he has so much free time and I have none to do Me things. He has the opportunity to work overtime at work but he says I am too tired to do that, he used to work at least 8 hours overtime every week but he doesn't anymore. he had to have shoulder surgery 18 months ago on his shoulder and was home for four months and since then he has lost his drive to do anything extra, he says well my shoulder still hurts or my elbow hurts. He says we will be fine money wise but where is all the extra money going to come from for the wedding? He says make her pay for it, and then he tells her we will pay for certain things and he wants her to have certain things for the wedding, he had to buy a new suit for the wedding and he picked out a 500.00 suit not something I had budgeted that much money for so now I am working more to make up for the extra 200.00 we spent on the suit. He doesn't seem to care he says you have the money right? Sure I do i will just keep working 50-60 hours a week no worries.

    i am just frustrated and hurt and don't know what else to do? I love him but hate his laziness. we also have no sex life as he says that he is too tired and has no sex drive left, okay i am in my 40's and would like to still have a sex life and when i do push the subject he says why is that so important? we had a great sex life until the last five years and he says I am getting older and fat. Well he can do something about it if he chooses too.

    Can someone help? Right now I just want to cry and crawl in a hole and disappear, but of course i have to work again today and will have no me time. Help.

Responses

  • 6 months ago

    RE: Marriage frustrations

    There is more going on than you are telling. He needs a complete medical work up (psychological & medical). It would not hurt for you to do the same. A must for the both of you is counseling, individual and couple. Playing & bit**in at the blame game is not only going to destroy being a couple it will leave deep scars on both of you
  • 6 months ago

    RE: Marriage frustrations

    To start with, you do not need to pay for your daughter's wedding. It's an antiquated tradition that has no place in modern reality. She gets the wedding that she budgets for. She doesn't get to milk mommy and daddy and put them into debt for the rest of their lives.

    To continue, why are you still with this man-child? He won't do anything around the house, considers you to be his maid? The heck with that! YOU have a life too!

    Start by getting yourself screened for depression. Then find yourself a good therapist to find out why you are taking everything on and accepting it all. A good therapist will help you draw boundaries, set priorities and give you the tools to make the right decisions.

    Do you really want to continue your life like this?
      • 5 months ago
        You kidding me? It's not just something she's going through. He needs a full Medical and Psychological Evaluation as well. No sex drive, being lazy, always watching tv, doesn't help around the house. He could be Suffering from a Mental Illness such as Depression, Anxiety, Bipolar Disorder etc. The both of them need to see a Doctor immediately if they want to keep their Marriage.
  • 6 months ago

    RE: Marriage frustrations

    With close to 70% of first time marriages ending in divorce why are you doing this. Kids now often 2,3,4 times more money than the parents. Yet they won't wll with costs In your other post you stated that ''you hate her choice of partner" Stop paying for everybody else. Get into therapy and take care a nice little place of your own and take care of yourself Because you are the only one who can The only one willing to help you. Those you are who are not positive people must be shown to the exit of your life. You do not their negativity destroying you
  • 6 months ago

    RE: Marriage frustrations

    I believe you may be in a marriage where some emotional neglect and much lack of communication is happening. Many of us were in families whose parents never modeled a close and affectionate relationship so that children learned healthy behaviors. This is really important to children and also makes for a wonderful marriage and day to day environments. It is important to take the time to learn about the signs of passive/agressive behavior and co-dependency. Many women think it is great to be overly giving and suck up their hurt feelings but it is not healthy and creates resentment and lack of emotional closeness. Your husband may not be open to counseling. If not then you have to grow and explore your feelings and behaviors with perhaps the companionship of a close friend or a group. Your daughter needs to know what your boundaries are with "giving". If she has not been used to examining her thoughts and feelings then this would be a great time to establish a new "bond of love and growing" together. She will need to know all the behaviors that you need to put into practice also so that her marriage will be affectionately successful in being happy. Talk to her about the money now before you feel even more resentful. She may not know that you donot feel appreciated in all that you give to your family. Weddings are wonderful. Your husband may not change but this do your best to find a way to make people available now that can support you to move forward. There are support groups which are very amazing sometimes. Be firm in expressing your desire for your husband to help out more. I have been in the same type of situation. It is a very lonely and unhappy place to be. Everyone needs to have affection and caring whether they realize it or not. It does not make you abnormal to be feeling unhappy at the moment. Open up and ask for a hug from your daughter. Someone in your family has to take that first step towards changing the family dynamics. It will probably be you and be glad that you are reaching out now. It means you are fed up with settling for less. I feel your pain! Have a great wedding. Make it a real mother/daughter bonding experience. My daughter's wedding happened a month after my 22 year old son unexpectedly died. You can not imagine how difficult it was for me to even get dressed and show up that day. My daughter looked so beautiful and I cried silently during most of her vows. You are still young and have much to look forward to still. Grandkids maybe...such a treat!
  • 6 months ago

    RE: Marriage frustrations

    YOU ARE A SUCCESSFUL INDEPENDENT WOMAN!!!!! LEAVE HIM IF HE DOESNT APPRECIATE YOU!! YOU SEEM GREAT!!! So many guys your age would be happy to have sex with you, if he cant see how good he has it then thats his problem. Not only do guys appreciate a girl with a healthy sex drive but someone who is driven and obviously has ambition. He seems like a loser, maybe I would make a few attempts at couple therapy, but i would have an honest conversation with him about how youre not happy and how you want to leave. I know itll be hard because its been so long but life is to short to be unhappy and have *** sex. DO NOT CRY. see this has the next move in your life, youre either gonna save your marriage or leave him go on
  • 6 months ago

    RE: Marriage frustrations

    This man is abusing you, taking you for granted, neglecting you and not even satisfying your needs. I get there will always be an emotional connection. Tell him he needs to step up, get couple's therapy or he's out. Remember, you're his meal ticket. YOU do have a say. Somehow these barely employed men think they have a right to boss independent women around. You don't need him. You would be an asset to any other man's life....any other man would appreciate your hard work. Anyone justifying his behavior is probably a man who is doing the same thing. either he gets help or you start making plans without him.
      • 5 months ago
        Your sick!! Marriage is not something to just be thrown around. Marriage takes a lot of work at times and is rewarding in the end.
  • 6 months ago

    RE: Marriage frustrations

    Sorry you are going through such a awful time. My situation turned after nearly 30 years together as he was opposite never home as he was a workaholics and enjoyed all the 'men' entertainment and dinner/drinks nights so came home late in the morning. So although I worked full time as nurse then went to help in our business, as well also at uni full time and had chronic back pain and did all housework, It crushed my world to leave without the kids but I knew I had to make the step. It was out of control and I was depressed but felt I had to keep going or leave completely.
    Although your situation is different but your feelings are probably like mine all mixed up and not sure what to do.
    First start putting away some emergency money for you. In cash and hide it somewhere safe or with a friend or family you can trust 100%. Next make sure all your debts are either in joint or his name. Ensure house financials are in order, no bills outstanding, car is in your name only if possible and if renting when the lease is to be renewed ( in both names if it is done) And big one make sure you have no tax bills in your name outstanding.
    While gathering a list of income and outgoing find a lawyer that deals with women or sensitive to your situation and that is free for at least first session.
    Sounds a bit ahead but believe me you don't want to be in my position with no job as my back got so bad, not much money just what I put aside and left with clothes on my back, car to live out and huge tax bill.
    Of course, find a therapist, social worker, phycologist or women's shelter That will know of people to contact. This is crucial and speak to your daughter. I wouldn't tell her about you feel like you want to leave or what I have spoken about but just say money is tight as everything is going up. She may not understand how hard it is for you. I have 2 children and they couldn't understand that Daddy wouldn't give me any money.
    I know this seems overwhelming but it's better to have this information sooner than later and if you don't need it keep it safe for another day or someone else that needs help.
    This is only part of my experience but not knowing your situation I don't know how much you want to stay or leave.
    I only hope things sort themselves out but looks like you need to make the first move one way or another. Thinking of you and sending strength for you to stay strong and find help you need. Blessings and God be with you.
      • 5 months ago
        I am a 57 year old male, and was in a familiar situation as yourself. I was the one sitting on the couch with no energy. It was also embarrassing when I couldn't perform in bed. Being to tired or sick, or in pain were good excuses. My doctor made some recommendations that I think you and your husband should try. I began taking the following supplements to increase energy and blood flow. these are inexpensive and can be bought over the counter at Wal-Mart, etc. In the morning before my cup of coffee, I take a half a tea spoon of L-Arginine powder and mixed it thoroughly with Pomegranate juice. Then I take a 100 mg capsule of Pine Bark - Pycnogenol. I repeat this right before dinner as well. It begins working in a couple weeks, then in several months the results are amazing. He needs to do this religiously or it won't work as well. After things are back to normal, he can reduce it to once a day. Try this, and watch the transformation. Your husband seems like a good man, just needs more blood flow and energy.
      • 5 months ago
        DO NOT JUST START TAKING SUPPLEMENTS THEY DO INTERFERE WITH MEDICATIONS WHICH CAN HAVE LIFE THREATENING CONSEQUENCES
      • 5 months ago
        Look just because you do not like supplements there far more of us who do, but you should always check if your on any meds to see if they react, and your find a good doctor will ask if your on anything before prescribing any meds.

        Take a lesson in life, all your meds come from roots, flowers. bark and many herbs that we do use daily in our cooking.
        And there still being resourced to day from the same for new medications.

        And not forgetting insects, lots good stuff comes from them as well.

        NOWHARD
  • RE: Marriage frustrations

    Don't do this to yourself!