• 4 months ago

    Need to change this feeling.

    I am 41 and just got out of a relationship that I didn't want to end but accepted that it's over. The thing is that I have 2 brothers and a sister and they are married well at least my baby brother is getting married in the summer and on my birthday no less. Herein lies the problem. I am excited for him because I love him to death and I definitely want to see him happy. He is the only one who doesn't have kids and I am the only one not married. Him getting married has raised questions in my head, I feel like the black sheep of the family. What I mean is that I want to be married but the way I see it, I am 41 and at this point in my life I think I am destined to be by myself. I know that 41 isn't old but I have 2 beautiful girls who are 13 and 4 respectively. It's always about them but as I said at this point in time my focus is on them,not finding love although I do crave it. What's really going on is that I can hopefully make it back home to my brother's wedding because I haven't been home in like 10 years and I haven't seen a lot of my family in 18 years either. They are under the impression that I am still with my youngest daughter's mom. We are friends but again she wanted to end the relationship not me. Like I said I am happy for my baby brother but as I said if I make it home, I will have to hear the questions of when will I get married? I haven't told them that we aren't together but I don't want to answer or hear those questions either. So in a sense, I am going through a whole bunch of emotions that I don't want to come off as I am not happy for my brother you understand? How do I get rid of those feelings? Please help me out.

Responses

  • RE: Need to change this feeling.

    Your feelings are very real and make sense. So, rather than trying to get rid of your feelings, you might consider how you handle them. Everyone's family dynamics are different, so there is no single piece of advice that would work for everyone in similar situations to you. One option is to be honest and open about your feelings. Explain your situation as succinctly as you can. Then if you think that you might get caught up in your own painful feelings, you might say just that and ask that the family not ask you more about it. Explain that you are there for a happy occasion -- that you are happy for your brother -- and you want to focus on this and enjoy the family. If there is a particular person in your family who you feel is especially supportive and helpful, you might talk more individually to that person to get support for yourself, including helping you gain some perspective and process your feelings. Again, this might not work well for you in your situation, so feel free to share what makes you think it wouldn't work for you, and maybe we can help you find a better plan or at least just offer emotional support.
      • 4 months ago
        That's the issue. I don't have anyone I am particularly close to. I am a very guarded person when it comes to my feelings so I don't trust many. I am usually the one everyone comes to but I feel like nobody is there for me. I am willing to try anything, I don't want to sound negative but I just don't feel like it won't turn into my favor.
  • 4 months ago

    RE: Need to change this feeling.

    Hello 41,
    I have been in the same boat. But as we all know, no one can walk a mile in our shoes. Every relationship is very unique. Your emotions are valid regarding your recent break up. What we feel is a tremendous loss. We are actually grieving and those emotions can be overwhelming. But this is your brothers wedding so all the focus needs to be on him and his wife to be. I can understand the stress of going to see your family when its been so many years since last visiting. They ARE going to be so elated to see you again:) And they will ask questions because they care and love you so much. Your family is your tribe. If you dont want to talk about it when asked, just simply tell them or whomever is asking about your relationship status, you prefer not to talk about it. You can use humor to do as humor is the best medicine. And leave it at that. Just go and enjoy this event. And make as many new memories as you can with your family:)
      • 4 months ago
        Thank you. I am truly happy for my brother as I said, but I know they will ask the questions. As you stated, all I want is to enjoy the wedding but I know they will ask those questions. I truly appreciate your feedback.