• 30 days ago

    Thank you.

    I really appreciate people's support. I'm on an online support group. I'm honestly a mess constantly. A big ball of conflicting emotions. I'm very intelligent and educated but honestly I'm a real naughty girl and I need to behave on here and tone myself down. I still have an adult job though I haven't been working it due to the depression and pressing issues financially, especially with Wi-Fi. I do hate taking money for it. It doesn't sit well with me at all. I'm one of only two or three older women on this site and of course the rest are beautiful young girls. I'm only comfortable right now with the texting part. I think the guys who do like me do so because I'm very kind and I think it's obvious I don't want to hustle them. I've been so close to being fired so many times because I wait until the last possible moment to put them through pay mode. I don't like it. But I'm using it until I get back on my feet, I've been in horrible straits financially. After my mom passed away and I had my first taste of freedom in years I got myself on dating sites and I even got myself on adult sites. I got myself on two major adult sites and a few others and a popular erotica site. I might get kicked off here for admitting this. I'm just so conflicted all the time. I made myself into the ultimate good time girl, your mind can wander and whatever you think is probably accurate. I crave to meet someone who really needs me, I'm honestly not sure if I require a deep commitment anymore but I'd like to feel a little necessary to a special guy. People wouldn't believe me... I kept deleting my accounts when I'd get hung up on someone... At one point I had almost eight thousand followers on one account. I spent a year talking to men around the world. And I loved it. And it was so difficult doing it with my imperfect body, and I felt like I failed them constantly. But they were like my sons in my heart. I think I confuse men deeply. I'm very open about sex, I was raised that way by my mom, and there are just certain things about me I feel like men maybe felt I could appreciate them and their particular constant sexual dilemma and need for release... I gave them an impression definitely and you can imagine what it was. And yet paradoxically I'm very sensitive and vulnerable and needing or thinking I need the female dream of love and romance... I was really surprised that they still contact me after I deleted my adult site accounts. I'm still on the erotica site, I can't seem to bear to take my stories down, I put my heart and soul into those creations... People wouldn't believe the amount of men I've talked to during this year. Every age every walk of life possible. And I'm close to many of them and they know me well. I'm honestly extremely submissive too and they responded to that and I was too afraid to make demands of them in fear I would miss out on being intimate with them. I also have a big problem. I'm very attracted to younger men. I met mostly men of that age group. And I do not feel in the end I mattered to them or was good enough, despite the fact I had a couple certain assets that made me appeal to them. Of course they were young guys... It's hit me lately that the exact same things that probably pulled them to me in the first place might have caused them guilt and shame afterwards. And to be honest I'm still overwhelmed by messages on every app I have. And I'm honestly on every social media there is except I deleted my instagram over heartbreak again. I guess I already mentioned it about that one guy who has seemed to trigger this breakdown in me, he's only in his twenties... I was crying today... I really need someone in my life, I'm not ready to enroll in the knitting classes just yet, I might be supposed to say it's over at 43 but I'm stubborn. But I guess I'm very self destructive. Or... I feel like if I looked better and could indulge in moderation in what I crave to be beautiful enough to do, and that's honestly to give the guys what they want to see (and of course that's exactly why they contact me)... I feel like I wouldn't be in this constant turmoil anymore... I'm deeply confused I admit. I don't mean to offend anyone here... I need to take full responsibility for my actions but my upbringing.... I've had doctors tell me it was extremely hurtful and neglectful and confusing... I'm not sure exactly what I'm trying to say tonight. I really appreciate people who have commented and I wish everyone a wonderful evening.

Responses

  • 29 days ago

    RE: Thank you.

    Hi go to www.dodsonandross.com on there have a good read up about Dr Betty Dodson, I think your find that your life has been rather tame to her.

    Just go read about her, if your that good on sex perhaps you could take over from her when she eventuality retires I think your find that she is 88 and still going very strong.

    So 43 your far from being the oldest on here for a women, seems just lately 40 something's are quits common, if you read through women's health your find your just a kitten or do you mean just the relationship board?

    NOWHARD